Homepage / Fake News / An Impassioned Plea: Add Pictures to Your Menus
Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 22, 2019 My [24m] Girlfriend [24f] is Leaving Me for a Brooklyn Alternative Comic [40fuckingloser] Congressman Dean Koonce Appears in Black Face on Capitol Floor Orlando Locals Fear Town Starting To Become Overrun By Tourists Doctor Weirded Out By Patient She Just Met Providing Every Lurid Detail Of Medical History Nation Celebrates MLK Day Little Shop Of Hey Now Queen Elizabeth Watches As Oxen Pull Apart Farmer Who Failed To Provide Yearly Tithe Of Grain The Week In Pictures – Week Of January 21, 2019 Getting Stuck in a Dance Circle 11 Questions You Should Never Ask On A First Date at a Haunted Murder Restaurant Dan Savage Disgusted By Letter From Perverted Reader Contemplating Oral Sex Trump Approval Plunges Amidst Shutdown 5 Things To Know About Julián Castro Man Beginning To Worry That Best Meals Already Behind Him Bergman’s of Sweden: The Existential Diner List: The Only 64 Crayola Crayon Colors Allowed in Mother Pence’s Immanuel Christian School Art Class Trump No Longer Considered Subject of Satire due to Redundancy Seeing Your Teacher in Public [Full Episode] The Trump Steaks Government Shutdown Special I’m Marie Fucking Kondo and You Can Keep All Your Fucking Books, You Ingrates Bored Donald Trump Plans Orgy for West Wing Democrats Counter-Proposal: Build a Wall Around Trump Super Bowl LIII Update: Sneak Preview of NFL Official Sponsors The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez DIY Face Masks That Heal Everything Except the Adolescent Damage From Claire Zabicky Playing Diablo Summons the Devil Bound by My Stepbrother Polar Vortex Splits Into U.S.-Chilling Rings Despite Test Results Doctor No Idea What Wrong With You Yahoo! Turns 25 Should The Oakland A’s Have Sent Brad Pitt To Persuade Kyler Murray? ISS Astronaut Sick Of Sharing Confined Space With Crass, Disgusting Partner From Polaris 8 5 Things To Know About Kirsten Gillibrand List: Signs You’re Under a Spell Cast By a Chill AF Retired Sorcerer With a Ponytail and a Peace Sign Tattoo Defiant Pelosi Begins Swimming To Afghanistan After Trump Denies Use Of Government Plane Trump Postpones Grand Opening Of Trump Tower Moscow Until Fuss Over Bombshell Report Dies Down Michael Cohen Says He Paid To Rig Polls In Trump’s Favor Trump Dismisses Trump As A Distraction ‘If This Report Is True’ To Be Repeated 5.7 Billion Times Today Patriots Score 2 Touchdowns Against Chiefs In Preemptive Strike Before AFC Championship Game Inside Mike Trapp's Gross New Animated Series ICE Launches Campaign To Reunite Immigrant Children With Arresting Officer Wow, Nobody Tells Me Anything Painfully Honest L.L. Bean Product Descriptions for Urbanites Fans Shocked After Marie Kondo Reveals She Has Been Dating Untidy Cupboard For Past 6 Months Tom Brady Feeling Guilty After Gorging Self On Full Order Of Kansas-City-Style Tap Water Woman Didn’t Know Progress On Toxic Masculinity Would Turn Boyfriend Into Such A Weepy Little Pansy U.S. Taxpayers To Get Income Tax Refund Due To Government Shutdown | Adobo Chronicles Ready For Her Close-Up: This Actress Is Ready For Her Close-Up Is Your Aunt Peggy Paparazzi or Is She Just a Monster? Genetic Tests Reveal Jayme Closs's Abductor 2% Mexican 4 Times In ‘Legally Blonde’ Where Reese Witherspoon Breaks Character To Explain That Women Aren’t Going To Get A Better Movie Than This For The Next 20 Years Man Nervous About Telling Date He Has Her Kids Ames Executives Scrambling After New Shovel Design Leaks 5 Things To Know About ‘Glass’ Pelosi Asks Trump To Delay State of the Union During Shutdown John Bolton Insists Iran Likely Harboring Dangerous Terrorist Osama Bin Laden ‘Don’t Make Me Regret This,’ Mueller Tells Rick Gates Before Uncuffing Him To Work On Investigation Together The Wall Leaves a Series of Voicemails for President Trump Could This Be The Last Season We See Rob Gronkowski Fully Assembled In A Patriots Uniform? Poll Finds 100% Of Americans Blame Shutdown Entirely On Colorado Representative Scott Tipton List: What I Imagine Being an English Butler is Like Karen Pence Returns To Work As Part-Time Nude Art Model How To Sound Smart Presumptuous Congressional Freshman Thinks She Can Just Come In And Represent Constituents Zamboni Jams Up After Running Over Large Patch Of Loose Teeth Netflix Raising Prices The Universe Tells Me | Points in Case List: The 5 Best Garnishes for an Egg Salad Sandwich on the Subway Fox News Debuts Premium Channel For 24-Hour Coverage Of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez There No Way Of Knowing Whether The Vague Award Mom Won At Work A Big Deal Or What U.K. Parliament Rejects Theresa May’s Brexit Deal The Survival Guide for Open Mics Woman Rushes To Hide Fragile Objects, Cover Up Sharp Corners On Tables Before Boyfriend Comes Over Artists Draw Ugly Babies Lincoln Memorial Empty After Former President’s Statue Furloughed New Hampshire Legislature Passes Bill Naming Fentanyl State Opiate Furloughed Government Employee Using Time Off To Visit Local Food Pantry She Been Hearing About Photo Of Egg Breaks World Record For Most-Liked Instagram Post Cute Winter Date Activities To Do Right Before You Break Up Pros And Cons Of Pet Insurance This Dog Is Way Too Happy About Smelling Cancer List: You Won’t Believe the Names of Charles Dickens’ Top Five Male Porn Stars Mom Wants To Know If You Could Use Grandma’s Antique, 12-Person Dining Room Table In Your Studio Apartment Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 15, 2019 Universe Admits We’re Here to Keep up with the Kardashians Man Crouched Inside Of Robotic Welding Arm Terrified Robot Will Eventually Take His Job Fed-Up EU Rejects United Kingdom, Gives British 30 Days To Vacate Europe Lady Gaga Has Second Thoughts About Her “Do What You Want (With My Body)” Duet with R Kelly. Chuck Schumer Honestly Pretty Amazed He Hasn’t Caved Yet Progressive Populism: A Different Kind of Political Beauty GOP Leaders Condemn Steve King For White Supremacy Comment NBA Ref Petrified After Seeing Depiction Of Own Death While Looking Under Replay Hood Viagra Announces Real Medicine That Gave Customers Erections Was Confidence All Along Poll Shows Increasing Number Of Voters Blame Founding Fathers For Starting America The Gruesome Truth About Parasites [Full Episode] Victorian Courtship Etiquette That I, A Millennial Male, Am In Favor of Rekindling William Barr Assures Senate He Will Let Donald Trump Finish His Job Without Any Interference Government Shutdowns By The Numbers

Fake News

An Impassioned Plea: Add Pictures to Your Menus

A fine dining experience is second to none in terms of the pleasure it can bring. The atmosphere of a dimly lit dining room, the exquisite company of a lover, and of course the food. However, not every dish is fit for every tongue, and choosing the wrong meal can devastate an evening faster than the revelation of your paramour’s affair, or war crimes, or seasonal allergies. That is why you simply cannot dick around when it comes to a clear and concise menu with glossy photos of each and every dish, á la Waffle House.

“Surely,” you say, “a description of each dish is sufficient. Why open the robes and bare the gaudy breasts of a duck when Canard à l’Orange: a roasted duck basted in a bigarade sauce will do?” Under antique chandeliers, adorned with nothing more than a set of flicking candles, a diner could easily misread that item as Canada al Ironage, a poutine and metal dish fit for a drunken robot. With a photograph, there can be no confusion. Under any lighting—even fluorescent—a cigarette-burned picture of a waffle with bacon conveys all one needs to know, unlike a passive-aggressive text from a mercurial sweetheart.

While an upscale establishment must meet the high expectations of its patrons, in return there are highfalutin standards for the clientele. A certain level of familiarity with cuisine is required, of course, but not every menu reader needs to be a Le Cordon Bleu applicant. The mind can only hold so many types of produce or methods of cooking when there are so many other things to remembrances to treasure, like the feeling of a lover’s embrace or the validation of parking. When said lover asks “What is cipollini, anyway?” and you can only respond with “A type of cheese, I think,” all is lost.

“That doesn’t make any sense,” she’ll say—and you’ll respond that you don’t know everything in the goddamn world, so if she’s so right she can Google it, and she’ll tell you not to take your fucking phone out at the table because you’re having a nice evening for ONCE in your miserable lives. With a simple rendition of the dish, even in black and white, your beauteous companion can simply say “Cipollini? Oh, I don’t like onions,” and move on to the hash brown section without ever plotting a subtle acquisition of cyanide capsules.

I know what you’re thinking: these are scintillating observations, but we can’t degrade to the level of a Waffle House at Michelin star restaurants! The pictures at Waffle House are for drunk and belligerent souls who have lost the ability to comprehend words.” I am not saying that I often dine out in these conditions. But who can blame me, in our war-torn world, of mending my heart by occasionally becoming drunk and belligerent? Fucking Jessica can blame me, but my fiesta omelette never will.

Communication between dining partners and their esteemed servers will also be improved by the implementation of pictures. In our current dreary set-up, the pronouncement that you will have the Porcelet Porchetta is met with a cocked head. The waiter, never impolite but always condescending, will ask “I’m sorry, the what? If you’re in the mood for pork, might I recommend the por-cel-eé por-SET-ah?”

This rebuke, delivered with a perfect French accent, is sure to set your masochistic lover aquiver, and she’ll join in the fun by saying “and the Canada al Ironage for the unfeeling drunken robot across from me.” It would be infinitely more pleasurable if, instead, your lover could point to a photo and the server would simply say “one Scattered, Smothered, and Covered coming up.” Maybe your taste is different, but I’d rather not trade witty barbs when I could be trading forkfuls of cheesy potatoes. Diced or chunked indeed!

When choosing a meal, I don’t want to choose with my brain, but with my heart, and the closest things my heart has to eyes are my actual eyes. After all, we depend on great paintings to convey the most complex emotions. One could read a thousand tomes on the violent bombing of a Basque country village and still not understand the chaos and suffering. But one look at Picasso’s “Guernica” and it’s as if you were there, fleeing the flames, abject terror running through your veins. Similarly, one look at a picture of pink circle meat and I can taste the salty sweetness melting into my taste buds before I can even say “side ham, if you please.”

A picture is worth a thousand words, and menu full of pictures is worth a thousand drops of saliva. Don’t let those drops be wasted trying to untangle a bevy of terminology, or on spitting the poison right back into your lover’s face. Add photographs to your menus, and that saliva can instead drip onto the menu, marking the dish I will enjoy.

PIC has teamed up with The Second City to get you 10% off comedy classes, like “Writing Satire for the Internet” and “Sketch Writing.”

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.