Homepage / Fake News / An Impassioned Plea: Add Pictures to Your Menus
Other Secret & Torrid Fictional Relationships You Might Have Forgotten Son Needs Costume, 30 Individually Wrapped Treats Tomorrow Morning For Some School Celebration Dog Blocks Off Afternoon To Lick Spot On Floor Where Owner Once Dropped Pepperoni What Your NCAA Bracket Champion Says About You ‘Identifying Hate Speech Is Difficult Because Some Posts Actually Make Pretty Interesting Points’ Yelp-Like App Helps Trump Supporters Find MAGA-Friendly Restaurants Facebook Removes 1.5 Million Videos Of New Zealand Mass Shooting Historians Uncover Lost Socrates Dialogues Where He Just Gave Up And Started Screaming That Opponent A Fucking Brainwashed Shill Scotland Yard Frees 163-Year-Old British Man After DNA Evidence Clears Him Of Being Jack The Ripper Disney Rehires Director James Gunn As Part Of Company-Wide Push Towards Embracing Pedophilia A Relationship Advice Column for Anthropomorphic Trains 5 Things To Know About Pete Buttigieg The Trial of a Dead Guy Grossed-Out Anti-Abortion Activist Has Change Of Heart After Seeing Picture Of Fetus For First Time Scientists Discover Dangerous Link Between Book Learnin’, Back Talk Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 19, 2019 The Green New Meal The Top 5 Online Masters Programs for When You’ve Given Up on Your Dreams Operation Varsity Blues: Rich Is as Rich Does The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Melania Trump and Michelle Obama ‘Marijuana Has No Lasting After Effects’ – HORSE MANURE!!! The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 18, 2019 Thousands Of Students Forced To Attend Iowa State After University Sets Acceptance Rate To 140% President’s Cathartic Words Help Nation Begin To Heal Following Yet Another Senseless ‘Saturday Night Live’ God Really Dreading Visit From Older Brother Who Made Much More Successful Cosmos Trump: ‘Any Shooting Actually Inspired By Me Would Have Left Thousands Dead’ Man Wasting His Life Playing Video Games When There Whole World Of Other Screens Out There Clear Similarities Between Boeing 737 Max 8 Crashes Which of You Soulless Coworkers Ate My Slice of Cake From the Work Fridge? NCAA Launches Investigation Into Why It Wasn’t Making Millions Off Recent College Admissions Scandal Apple Announces Tim Cook Mini Trump Vows To Bring Back Ohio Town’s White Castle This Smart Watch Tells You When You're Going to Die KC Masterpiece CEO Warns Against Society’s Increasing Reliance On A1 Area Man Much Happier, More Relaxed Since Joining Cult Colonel Sanders Was a Union Officer and Will Therefore Not be Cancelled Wireless Headphones May Pose Cancer Risk, Experts Say Lori Loughlin’s Mother Arrested in Prison Admissions Plot Honest Trip to the Doctor 4 Times I Failed My Driving Test Because I Tried to Bring My Examiner to Busch Gardens How to Survive St. Patrick’s Day Without Revealing You’ve Been Cursed to Take the Form of a Leprechaun Chicago St. Patrick’s Day Parade Finally Lifts Ban On Snakes The New Adopt A Writer Program Blade Runner Is Nerd Homework The Necromancer Could Bryce Harper Convince Mike Trout To Follow Him To A Giant Pile Of Money? So, You Thought You Could Just Buy That Thrift Store Jacket Without Consequences? You Fool! Should The NFL Combine Get Rid Of The 40-Mile Dash? Youth Climate Strike Takes Place In Hundreds Of Countries 5 Things To Know About Beto O'Rourke How FEMA Responds To Disasters Yes, James Bond Did Disarm You With Considerable Ease, But You’re Still a Valued Member of This Organization! The Trump Players and the Roller Coaster of Spin Jazz Reminds Fans Racist, Homophobic Language Has No Place In Good Seats More Women Forgoing Taking Their Husbands’ Names In Favor Of Something Badass Like Diesel Sleeping Over for the First Time Woman’s Solo Hiking Trip Shockingly Doesn’t Have To Do With Inner Journey Or Anything Dad Wearing Some New Kind Of Headphones That Wrap Over, Under, Around Ears What Is the Best Invention That Has Yet to Be Invented? Overwhelmed New Grandparents Finally Feeling What It Like To Love A Child Japan To Put Toyota On Moon By 2029 YouTube Presents: Comment Section Classics — A New Way to Experience Music Piece Of Shit Whom Everybody Hates Assures Himself It All In His Head Le’Veon Bell Stipulates Jets Contract Must Contain Immediate-Trade Clause Sceintists Eradicate Rubella, Bring Back Spanish Flu World Wide Web 30 Years Old Dog Feels Like He Always Has To Be ‘On’ Around Family Beto O’Rourke Announces He Starting Obama Cover Campaign Thousands of Middle Class Americans Storm Mexican Border Seeking Better Life Antonio Brown Buys Pittsburgh Billboard To Thank Antonio Brown For Putting Up With City Open Carry: Canada vs U.S. California Halts Death Penalty Trump 2020 Budget Includes Plan to Cut Entitlements by Shooting Elderly and Infirm 2020 Presidential Candidate Pete Buttigieg Announces Bold Plan For 2,500-Mile Intercontinental Riverwalk Rahm Emanuel Breaks Ground On New Jason Van Dyke Police Academy ‘C’mon, C’mon,’ Says Matt Damon Desperately Searching For Own Name On List Of IMDB User Dolphinsoul60’s Top 100 Actors Butcher the National Anthem for $2,000 Welcome to Nextdoor Fight Club, Where You Must Turn Every Topic into a Fight Responsible Gym Member Makes Sure To Wipe Down Personal Trainer After Workout Anti-Vaxxer Movement By The Numbers Tennis Instructor Mentoring Young Player Sees Potential In Parents’ Income Experts Recommend Changing Batteries In Smoke Detector Every 6 Fires Concerning the “Automated Boudoir Companion” I Purchased From Your Catalog 5 Things To Know About Andrew Yang Experts Warn There No End In Sight For Venezuela Blackouts 50 Charged In College Admissions Bribing Scandal It’s Not Socialism; It’s What the People Want ‘Cops’ Turns 30 Religious Conservatives Argue Adam And Eve Would Never Have Been Banished From Eden If They’d Had Guns Guy Fieri as a Jeff Buckley Song Unsettling Study Finds Second Cousins Technically Fair Game Just Go Ahead And Tell Yourself Bribery Is The Only Reason You Didn’t Get Into Columbia Husband Buys Wife Tickets To See Singer She Wants To Fuck List: The Hidden Messages in Various Albums If You Play Them Backwards Early Warning Signs Your Workers Are Trying to Unionize Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 12, 2019 Man Playing ‘Battlefield V’ Has Now Spent More Of Life Fighting Nazis Than Grandfather Did USC Insists Lori Loughlin’s Daughter Was Admitted Solely Based On Socioeconomic Background Trump Complains About Overly Complicated Controls Needed To Operate Modern-Day Doors China Grounds All 737 Max 8 Planes Following Crash

Fake News

An Impassioned Plea: Add Pictures to Your Menus


A fine dining experience is second to none in terms of the pleasure it can bring. The atmosphere of a dimly lit dining room, the exquisite company of a lover, and of course the food. However, not every dish is fit for every tongue, and choosing the wrong meal can devastate an evening faster than the revelation of your paramour’s affair, or war crimes, or seasonal allergies. That is why you simply cannot dick around when it comes to a clear and concise menu with glossy photos of each and every dish, á la Waffle House.

“Surely,” you say, “a description of each dish is sufficient. Why open the robes and bare the gaudy breasts of a duck when Canard à l’Orange: a roasted duck basted in a bigarade sauce will do?” Under antique chandeliers, adorned with nothing more than a set of flicking candles, a diner could easily misread that item as Canada al Ironage, a poutine and metal dish fit for a drunken robot. With a photograph, there can be no confusion. Under any lighting—even fluorescent—a cigarette-burned picture of a waffle with bacon conveys all one needs to know, unlike a passive-aggressive text from a mercurial sweetheart.

While an upscale establishment must meet the high expectations of its patrons, in return there are highfalutin standards for the clientele. A certain level of familiarity with cuisine is required, of course, but not every menu reader needs to be a Le Cordon Bleu applicant. The mind can only hold so many types of produce or methods of cooking when there are so many other things to remembrances to treasure, like the feeling of a lover’s embrace or the validation of parking. When said lover asks “What is cipollini, anyway?” and you can only respond with “A type of cheese, I think,” all is lost.

“That doesn’t make any sense,” she’ll say—and you’ll respond that you don’t know everything in the goddamn world, so if she’s so right she can Google it, and she’ll tell you not to take your fucking phone out at the table because you’re having a nice evening for ONCE in your miserable lives. With a simple rendition of the dish, even in black and white, your beauteous companion can simply say “Cipollini? Oh, I don’t like onions,” and move on to the hash brown section without ever plotting a subtle acquisition of cyanide capsules.

I know what you’re thinking: these are scintillating observations, but we can’t degrade to the level of a Waffle House at Michelin star restaurants! The pictures at Waffle House are for drunk and belligerent souls who have lost the ability to comprehend words.” I am not saying that I often dine out in these conditions. But who can blame me, in our war-torn world, of mending my heart by occasionally becoming drunk and belligerent? Fucking Jessica can blame me, but my fiesta omelette never will.

Communication between dining partners and their esteemed servers will also be improved by the implementation of pictures. In our current dreary set-up, the pronouncement that you will have the Porcelet Porchetta is met with a cocked head. The waiter, never impolite but always condescending, will ask “I’m sorry, the what? If you’re in the mood for pork, might I recommend the por-cel-eé por-SET-ah?”

This rebuke, delivered with a perfect French accent, is sure to set your masochistic lover aquiver, and she’ll join in the fun by saying “and the Canada al Ironage for the unfeeling drunken robot across from me.” It would be infinitely more pleasurable if, instead, your lover could point to a photo and the server would simply say “one Scattered, Smothered, and Covered coming up.” Maybe your taste is different, but I’d rather not trade witty barbs when I could be trading forkfuls of cheesy potatoes. Diced or chunked indeed!

When choosing a meal, I don’t want to choose with my brain, but with my heart, and the closest things my heart has to eyes are my actual eyes. After all, we depend on great paintings to convey the most complex emotions. One could read a thousand tomes on the violent bombing of a Basque country village and still not understand the chaos and suffering. But one look at Picasso’s “Guernica” and it’s as if you were there, fleeing the flames, abject terror running through your veins. Similarly, one look at a picture of pink circle meat and I can taste the salty sweetness melting into my taste buds before I can even say “side ham, if you please.”

A picture is worth a thousand words, and menu full of pictures is worth a thousand drops of saliva. Don’t let those drops be wasted trying to untangle a bevy of terminology, or on spitting the poison right back into your lover’s face. Add photographs to your menus, and that saliva can instead drip onto the menu, marking the dish I will enjoy.


PIC has teamed up with The Second City to get you 10% off comedy classes, like “Writing Satire for the Internet” and “Sketch Writing.”

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish