Homepage / Fake News / An Apology from That One Friend Who Takes the Super Bowl Too Seriously
Airport Only Place In Metro Area To Buy City’s Signature Food Racine Legion To Select Second Overall In NFL Draft Using Pick Acquired In 1923 Taco Bell Seeking to Attract Workers with New Benefit Browns Draft First Overall Out Of Habit ‘If You Cross Me I Will End You,’ Goodell Whispers Into Ear Of Every Draft Pick Jon Gruden Rips Up List Of Top Prospects And Drafts From The Heart List: Having Never Seen a Marvel Movie, We Predict the End of “Avengers: Endgame” Easy-Going Mel Kiper Predicts Teams Will Do Whatever They Feel Is Right And We Shouldn’t Judge Them CDC Warns Once-Eradicated Jitterbug Spreading Across Country At Rate Not Seen Since 1940s Tesla Posts Massive First Quarter Loss After Self-Driving Car Absconds With $702 Million in Cash Man Always Sleeps With Bat Beside Bed Just In Case Any Major League Pitchers Try To Break In Samsung Recalls All Galaxy Fold Phones After Cracked Screens Sanders Supporters Viciously Attack Bernie Sanders After He Criticizes Mistakes Of 2016 Sanders Campaign What Is the Coolest Way to Quit Your Job? Judging Late Night Hosts Based on if They’d Be a Good Replacement for Your Father, Now That He’s Passed Away Weird Birthday Boy Blowing Out Candles Wishes John Hickenlooper Wins Democratic Primary Winter Is Shortcoming I Will Personally Destroy The Chances Of Any 2020 Candidate Who Doesn’t Get Their Picture Taken Eating At Culver’s FDA Approves First Device To Treat ADHD In Children How Brexit Uncertainty Is Affecting UK Residents Hair Loss Got You Down? Try The Mountain Hermit Cure What Is the ‘AI Agenda,’ Who’s Pushing It and Why? The Report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation By the Company He Keeps If You Can’t Stand the Heat… Get Out of the White House Diplomatic Pete Buttigieg Quickly Changes Subject From Politics At Town Hall To Avoid Arguments ‘Junk Food’ is Fake News, Say Trump Lobbyists Democrats Call For Trump Impeachment Do-It-Yourself Health Care – Yes, It Has Come to That John Boehner Beheads Juarez Cartel Member Who Dared Muscle In On His Legal Weed Turf Megan and the Queen at Odds Retired Marshawn Lynch Goes Into Yeast Mode While Baking Self-Conscious Man Clearly The Only One In Japanese Restaurant Unsure How To Use Water Glass Pros And Cons Of Sanctuary Cities Burning (Alive) on the Dance Floor Environmentalists Warn Swedish Fish Population Being Decimated By Great Pacific Sour Patch Public Bathrooms I’m Not Like Other Tourists Woman Could Listen To British Guy Scream For Help All Day List: How I Snowplowed My Utterly Unmagical Child’s Way into the Most Prestigious School of Witchcraft and Wizardry CIA Finds Definitive Evidence Of Second Shooter In JFK Assassination Herman Cain Withdraws From Fed Consideration Dedicated Russell Westbrook Stays Late After Practice To Miss 100 Extra Shots Pete Buttigieg Releases Comprehensive List Of Fun Personality Quirks To Include In Articles About Him Trump Sues House Democrat To Block Release Of Tax Returns Horrified Authorities Discover One-Day-Old Funnel Cake Abandoned In Dumpster Jared Kushner Claims That Russian Interference Less Damaging To U.S. Democracy Than Saudi Arabia, Nepotism, Israel, Cambridge Analytica, UAE, Illicit Donations, Erik Prince, Bill Barr, And Financial Entanglements Boss Encourages Employees To Take Short Mental Breakdowns For Every Hour Of Work Stop Asking Women To Talk About Being Women Town Hall Audience Gives Amy Klobuchar Standing Ovation As She Lifts Chris Cuomo Up By Throat Laundering Instructions For Your $148 Anthropologie Romper Man Wearing Cobra Command Shirt Missed The Whole Point Of ‘G.I. Joe’ Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 23, 2019 Random Uncle’s Wife Crying A Bunch Throughout Grandma’s Funeral List: Failed Restaurant Chains of Famous Artists Baby T. Rex Fossil Selling On eBay Unclear If Store Called ‘Casa Spazio’ Sells Leather Sofas Or Pizzas Elizabeth Holmes Proves Women Are Just as Good at Committing Fraud as the Guys 5 Things To Know About ‘Avengers: Endgame’ Glossary Of Terms Depressed Gallup Director Issues Poll Asking Whether Anyone Would Care Whether He Lives Or Dies 9-Foot-Tall Bernie Sanders Greets Supporters After Session With Posture Coach Border Patrol Authorities, Militia In Tense Standoff Over Claim To Detain Migrant Family They Caught At Same Time Line Item On Aetna Insurance Bill Just ‘Paying For CEO’s Yacht’ Senate Considering Bill To Raise Smoking Age To 21 “SNL” Alums Remember the Awkward Encounters with Lorne Michaels That Got Them Hired! Panicked Man Completely Out Of Things To Talk About 5 Minutes Into Marriage A Disturbance in HR Emmanuel Macron Not Sure How To Tell Billionaires Notre Dame Repair Only Costs $200 Alfred Aquino II on the Skateboarder Who Comped Justin Bieber The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 22, 2019 List: My Response to Your Big Work News: A Guide Computer Scientists Say AI’s Underdeveloped Ethics Have Yet To Move Beyond Libertarian Phase Woman Jealous Of Horse’s Eyelashes The Syllabus to Paul Ryan’s Notre Dame Political Science Class Zombie Jesus Stabbed Through the Face, Decapitated Quiz: Which New Testament Snack Is Your Ultimate Boyfriend? The Harrowing Tale of Going 52 Hours Without a Phone The Game Where Two People Are Secretly Stoned [Full Episode] Alright Fellas, We’re Doing It: We’re Robbing This Bank 84% Support Marijuana Legalization An Alien’s Guide to Caring for Human Babies ‘The Onion’ Endorses Legal Marijuana Peeps Unveils New Boneless, Skinless Marshmallow Breasts China Discontinues State Surveillance Program After Finally Finding Guy Who Drove Into Xi Jinping’s Mailbox Venmo Rolls Out Feature Allowing Users To Send Goons To Collect Payment Tips For Taking Care Of Houseplants Mueller Report Released Unemployed Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Announce Plans To Give Baby Up For Adoption A 420 Visit from The Weed Man Biggest Revelations From The Mueller Report Let Me Feign Confidence for this Networking Luau Defiant Sarah Huckabee Sanders Claims She Doesn’t Know Where Voice Comes From When She Opens Mouth There Are No Dinosaurs In Alien (Tournament of Champions, Pt 3) Nation Spooked After Running Into Creepy Old Night Watchman Tracking Trump Administration Turnover French President Pledges To Rebuild Notre Dame In 5 Years List: Classic Song Titles Re-Imagined at This Tech-Heavy, Millennial-Targeted, Social-First Advertising Agency Stephen Miller Palms ICE Agent $50 Bill In Exchange For A Little Alone Time With Detained Migrants Erotica by a Woman Pretending to Be a Man Who is Pretending to Be a Woman

Fake News

An Apology from That One Friend Who Takes the Super Bowl Too Seriously

I’d like to thank you and your lovely wife for having me over for your Super Bowl party. I’d also like to say you’re welcome, because let’s not forget I brought a six-pack of craft beer and threw in a few bucks for the party platter of wings your wife ordered.

I understand people weren’t happy with some of the events that took place at the party. I’d like to apologize for a few missteps.

I’m sorry I told everyone to shut up and kept turning up the volume on the TV to hear what the pre-game announcers were saying. I know I’m the big sports guy of the group, but I assumed other people at a SUPER BOWL PARTY might be interested in THE SUPER BOWL. Stupid assumption, that’s on me.

I’m sorry I threw a fit and ripped up my Super Bowl squares when I found out my numbers were 2 and 8. I will control my emotions better next time I’m dealt the most statistically bullshit numbers imaginable.

I’m sorry I said I had the “most statistically bullshit numbers imaginable” in front of the children. I should not have sworn in front of them. If I’d known there would be children there, I honestly would not have come.

I’m sorry I was rude and called your wife a “useless pink hat” when she said she only watches the game for the commercials. She should be free to make trite, cliched statements in her own home.

I’m sorry I insisted everyone call me by my old college nickname, Beerboy, and started smoking a cigar in your living room on your brand new couch.

I’m sorry I tackled a child while reenacting a sick play in the second quarter, but that’s why children shouldn’t go to Super Bowl parties. They can’t take a hit.

I’m sorry I drank all my craft brewskis in the first half, then rummaged through your liquor cabinet and started drinking straight from the expensive bottle of rum you brought home from your honeymoon in Barbados. I should have stopped around three or four brewskis, but Beerboy has no limits.

I’m sorry I climbed a utility pole outside during halftime to hang a handmade flag with my team’s logo. I’m sure the rest of the neighborhood was very disappointed to be without electricity for the remainder of the game. Thank God you guys were able to get the generator going before the second half started! I would have helped, but I was still recovering from the big zap.

I’m sorry that when my team started to rally and scored a touchdown in the third quarter, I spiked that decorative bowl you had displayed in the living room. I did not realize that was a plaster cast of your wife’s stomach from when she was nine months pregnant with your firstborn. I was unaware that was something seemingly normal people did.

I’m sorry that when my team started to get their asses handed to them in the fourth quarter, I told everyone I didn’t care about the stupid game and tried to turn the TV off. Your friend Dave from high school called me an asshole, and I’m humble enough to acknowledge, in that moment, he was right. (By the way, did Pope Dave apologize for swearing in front of the kids?)

I shouldn’t have tried to set anything on fire.

I’m sorry I cut my hand and dripped blood on your throw pillows when the bottle of rum shattered. I was pretty plastered at that point. Almost as plastered as your wife’s pregnant stomach, right? Lol you guys are so weird.

I’m sorry I tried to use the cut on my hand to become blood brothers with you. That was unsanitary and inappropriate and the multitude of other words you yelled at me.

I’m sorry I kicked a hole through your front door in a blind rage at the end of the game when my team lost. I think we all learned an important lesson that night: never get a “Super Bowl Champs” tattoo until your team is actually Super Bowl champs.

I’m sorry I called your mother-in-law an “absolute whore” after she won the final score payout with her Super Bowl squares. Everyone knows Fran is a wonderful woman and in no way a lady of the night.

In conclusion, I hope you, your family, and all the other guests, including the ones who don’t even watch football (??), can forgive me for my actions. I promise to reflect on this mishap and try to better myself for next year.

Please tell Fran I said thank you for driving me home.


Join upcoming comedy writing, improv, & sketch classes at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.

Check out events at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC March 22-24.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.