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Fake News

Alternative Wedding Rings for Alternative Couples

Wingapo! And welcome to SamDif, an alternative wedding band company for alternative couples. Here young lovers come to proclaim their break from society while entering one of it’s oldest institutions.

We have a few different collections to help our doting rebels define how they want to break from the norm. Our first line of rings is made from stolen San Diego boardwalk planks. A little kid may have spilled their ice cream on your future wedding band, or gotten their first kiss or handjob while sitting on it. How romantic! They will swell and split over time, not like your relationship of course, but like the construct that society is trying to put you in with their metal, binding rings. Fuck the man! Consensually of course. If you think about it, it’s a perk these rings only last a few years, that way if you decide you’ve outgrown this phase of your life you can always choose a new way to be peculiar.

If you’re more into a futuristic lifestyle, we have silicone bands made from the same material as Elon Musk’s AI robot’s veins. Nothing says ‘we’re ahead of our time’ like robot guts wrapped around your fingers. With this new, futuristic material we could make these rings any color we wanted, so naturally we made a jet black for manly men, and a white or rose for their wives.

You know, Gwyneth Paltrow liked a tweet of ours once.

Oh, this is one of our newest and my personal favorite lines: scooters. Made from melted-down scooter wheels, this nostalgic, yet inexplicably relevant child’s toy is playful and durable. A part of the proceeds go to Supreme, but no, they are not associated with our product.

These are some of our best selling bands, made from old, funky coaches. Vice said they’re “not really sure who this is for.” Exclusive right? Sourced from some of Brooklyn’s chicest street dumpsters, this band really says recycle, reuse, I’m fucking different! These materials are straight from the source, unwashed to preserve the essence of the street. These couches could have been in Robert De Niro’s apartment! I can’t legally say they were, but he lives here, you never know.

I can’t stress enough how we here at SamDif strive to ensure our customers communicate to the world how they don’t conform like everyone else, they conform differently.

You, ma’am, seem like an animal lover, am I right? You’ll love this then, it’s an array of live birds you would tie to your ring finger. We designed it to symbolize the old adage “if you love something let it go.”  Of course, all of the birds’ wings have been clipped, and you can choose to have their vocal cords clipped as well. Pro tip, as charming as it sounds to have a bird serenade you every morning, it gets old quick. However, we guarantee you’ll be the only person at your workplace with this incredibly unique, against the grain momento of your union.

Finally, our most adventurous line is for the truly committed couple. We do a simple medical procedure, and switch your ring fingers. You’ll literally be a part of one another, until death do you part. Actually, you’ll be part of each other even until after death too, when you’re all decomposed and stuff. Romantic right? No one has done this yet, so you would be the only people on Earth declaring your love this way. I knew you two were trendsetters when you walked in.

I’ll let you browse by yourselves for a minute, I’ll be over by the Champion-brand green tea we just got in. It tastes like status, honestly. Actually, let me know if you’d be interested in tying a tea bag string around your finger. Now that’s different.

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