Homepage / Fake News / All My Life, I’ve Worked Hard, Told The Truth, Been A Good Husband And Father, And Today I Was Diagnosed With Cancer vs. I Feel Great!
Skittles Unveils New Liqui-Gels For Fast-Acting Fruity Flavor QUIZ: Did The President Say This? Polite High School Football Team Runs Around Banner That Took Hours To Make The Trump Cabinet Quiz – Rod Bartchy, Humor Times The World Needs More Mr. Rogers Memes Over 417,000 Hours Of Private Presidential Conversations Discovered After No One Remembered To Turn Off Richard Nixon’s Tape Recorder ‘New York Times’ Announces Appointment Of Anonymous Source As Editor-In-Chief 6 Things That Are Obnoxious When Other Couples Do Them But Great When They’re Happening To You Pros And Cons Of Amazon Trump Asks Why Kavanaugh Accuser Didn’t Just Immediately Request Hush Money I’m Writing Today to Recommend My Student and His Viral Fail Video Congress Wishes They Could Help Puerto Rico But It’s All The Way Over There The Investigation Stalled, The Case Went Cold, We Had To Print Something Anyway Sony Launching Retro PlayStation Classic In December President Obama’s New Slogan, I Can Hear You Now Dracula’s Castle For Sale in Transylvania Stern Letters From Health Inspectors To Musicians Who Sang About Food Brad Pitt’s Foundation Sued For Building Shoddy Homes After Katrina Sweetheart, The Day You Were Conceived Was The Best Day Of My Life Al Roker Strongly Considers Retiring From Creating The Weather Can A Serial Marijuana User Like Josh Gordon Fit In With The Patriots’ Cocaine-Based Culture? Premature Evacuation: Exit Seat Employment Kevin Hart Just Going To Assume He’s In ‘Space Jam 2’ Unless He Hears Otherwise Hookers and Porn Models in Uproar after ‘Mario Kart’ Trump Dick Revelation 80% Of Women Currently Wearing Wrong Size Bra, Shirt, Shoes, Pants, Hat How Far-Out Is Trump’s War Policy? How Trump Is Remaking America’s Court System The GOP Hokey Pokey – Will Durst, Humor Times Jimmy Butler Gives Wolves List Of 29 Preferred Trade Destinations r/Relationships: I suspect that my GF [33] steals monuments GOP Officials Urge Calmer, More Reasonable Death Threats Toward Kavanaugh Accuser Ripping the Headlines Today, 9/18/18 Top 10 Reasons Trump Will Never Step Down ‘Sesame Street’ Writer Backtracks On Claim That Bert And Bernie Gay BBC announces spin -off series for the Bodyguard Weight Loss Hypnosis for Free, if that’s the Sort of Humbug you’re into Report: Make It Stop Stumbling Drunk Chuck Grassley Warns Kavanaugh Accuser She Can Testify All She Wants But No One’s Going To Believe Her Celebrity Slumber Party with Jack Black Trump Makes Light-Hearted Jokes With Dead Bodies Of Hurricane Victims During Visit To Carolinas 4th Grader Panics Upon Realizing Classmate Giving Presentation Had Exact Same Summer As He Did Sensory Homunculus Diagram So Fucking Hot New Beatles Box Set Features 172 Unreleased Songs About Wanting To Hold Hands Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum, Will You Give My “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt” Spec a Read? The Worst Hurricanes In U.S. History Senate Passes Bipartisan Opioid Legislation Supposedly Educated Professor Has No Idea How To Get Bird Out Of Lecture Hall We Have Proof That Muppets Have Sex and Bert & Ernie Are Gay How I Failed at Being a Gilmore Girl Kavanaugh Shouldn’t Be Held Accountable For Something He Did As White Teenager FEMA Dispatches Crews To Do Whatever They Need To Do To Look Busy Ink-Splattered Trump Boys Counter Media Bias By Hand-Printing Own Newspaper In White House Basement The Best of Precious Plum & Mama PlayStation Classic To Include Friend Who Always Whooped Your Ass To Complete Retro Gaming Experience Shocking Biblical Study Reveals Methushael Did Not Beget Lamech Paul McCartney Releases 18th Solo Album Local Man Unsure If Woman Type Of Lesbian Who Only Dates Women Your #MeToo “Apology” For Yom Kippur Has Been Rejected Ronco and The Franklin Mint Combine with Democratic Party on Commemorative Plate Set Clarence Thomas Returns To Senate As White Man Named Brett My Husband Les Moonvez Gave Us Young Sheldon, And That's Good Enough for Me! By: Julie Chen London Mayor Calls For Second Brexit Referendum Fraternity Brothers Make Note Not To Kill Pledge Whose Family Has Lake House Marc Benioff Buys ‘Time’ Magazine For $190 Million White House Increases Number Of Asylum Seekers Allowed To Enter Spike-Filled Refugee Compactor Ted Cruz Attempts To Connect With Voters By Wearing More Handsome Man’s Face As Mask Blood-Spattered Sarah Huckabee Sanders Holds Up Huge Dismembered Penis To Prove Presidential Member Completely Normal Woman Longs For Day When First Female President Can Have Tell-All Book Written About Disgusting Vagina Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 18, 2018 Video Game Character Stares Impotently At Forbidden Realm Beyond Impassable Waist-High Bush Emotional Le’Veon Bell Reveals Holdout A Result Of Forgetting How To Run Is This The Worst Life Hack Ever Made? How to Make an Atom Bomb While Your Roommates Are Out of Town Tips For Long Bike Rides Scientist Close To Developing Life-Saving Vaccine That They Can Rub In Faces Of Their Doubters RuPaul Makes History as Viacom Earns 8 Awards – Viacom Corporate A Massive Storm is Barreling Down on my Family and Conversation with Them Has Never Been Easier Semi-Humorous Meetings with Strange Creatures in the Night The Failing Donald Trump Hires a Posse White Castle Now Selling Veggie Burger Sliders Nationwide The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Buckwheat Luke, Owen Wilson Recall Meeting On Set Of ‘The Royal Tenenbaums’ Kavanaugh Defends His Originalist Position Fingernail Got Fucking Huge Out Of Nowhere We Want Your House – Howard Zaharoff, Humor Times Cash-Strapped Zuckerberg Forced To Sell 11 Million Facebook Users Senate Republicans Seek To Delay Kavanaugh Vote Until Accuser Properly Smeared Emergency Room Admissions To Soar On Trump’s FEMA Text Alert Trial Kavanaugh Sweating Bullets After Betting Life Savings On Being Confirmed To Supreme Court FEMA Airdrops Emergency Cyanide Pills For Residents Stranded By Hurricane Florence Don’t Blame Me, Blame The Stars! GOP Releases New Letter Supporting Kavanaugh Signed By Orrin Hatch 500 Times Steve Bannon Calls #MeToo Most Powerful Political Movement In World Marine Biologists Reveal That Majority Of World’s Oceans Remain Boring As Shit White House Raises Official Hurricane Florence Death Toll To -17 Our Weirdest Sex Misconceptions Koch Brothers Furious Kavanaugh Never Disclosed That Nation Might Care About Sexual Abuse I Read Your Guidelines, But I’m Submitting This Piece That Clearly Isn’t a Fit for Your Publication Because, Well, Just Read It and You’ll See Why Kavanaugh On Sexual Assault Allegations: ‘I Miss High School’ The Week In Pictures – Week Of September 17, 2018

Fake News

All My Life, I’ve Worked Hard, Told The Truth, Been A Good Husband And Father, And Today I Was Diagnosed With Cancer vs. I Feel Great!


All My Life, I’ve Worked Hard, Told The Truth, Been A Good Husband And Father, And Today I Was Diagnosed With Cancer

By Josh Hubbard

During my 48 years in this world, I’ve done my best to lead a good life. I’ve worked hard, been honest in my dealings with others, and tried to give generously of my time and talents. After marrying the love of my life, I settled down to make a home with her, and together we’re raising two beautiful daughters. Such things don’t spare one from fate, of course, but they went through my mind today when my doctor told me I have stage IV colon cancer.

The news knocked the breath out of me. It took all my strength just to ask “How long do I have?” As I sat there motionless, my wife holding me in her arms, tears streaming down both of our faces, my worst fears were confirmed: six months, maybe a year. That’s not much time to spend with loved ones.

I couldn’t help but think, why me? Why now? For almost 20 years, I’ve been a faithful, supportive husband. I’m a dad who’s always there for his kids, whether it’s soccer games, school plays, or math homework. After serving my country as a Marine, I took a job in my hometown and stayed active in my community. When you play by the rules, try to do what’s right, and then suddenly learn you won’t live to see your 50th birthday—well, it hardly seems fair.

What’s more, I have a healthy lifestyle, always eating right and exercising. I’ve never smoked. My wife and I enjoy a glass of wine or beer from time to time, but I don’t drink to excess. I’m not claiming to be perfect—no one is—but I’ve lived a pretty clean life.

Still, here I am contemplating what will happen to my family when I’m no longer here for them. Will they lose the house? Will my daughters be able to afford college? Meanwhile, there are cancer treatments available that might buy me some time, but they’re expensive and could decimate our family’s savings. Regardless, I’ll never get to dance at my girls’ weddings or hold a newborn grandchild. That’s the curse of this disease: It takes who it wants, when it wants.

There’s not a goddamn thing you can do about it.


I Feel Great!

By Donald Trump
President Of The United States

Boy, do I feel tremendous! I don’t think I’ve ever felt better in my whole life. I’m healthy. I’m rich. I’m incredibly powerful. My life is amazing, and it just keeps getting better, doesn’t it? Here’s a normal day for me: I wake up, I remember I’m the president and can do whatever the hell I want, and then I don’t take any meetings until 11. I don’t really have to work at all, not if I don’t want to. In fact, every four or five days I just go play golf at one of the clubs I own.

How great is that?

I thought I had a cold the other day, but it turned out to be nothing. I almost never get sick. If it happens, though, I have the best healthcare in the world, and it’s free. That’s a perk that comes with having lots of power. You might wonder why I have so much power, considering I’ve run business after business into the ground, but here I am. Looking back, I feel really great about the decisions I’ve made in life.

And it’s going to be a long life. So long. You can count on that. I’m in excellent health, which is amazing when you consider I eat whatever I want and don’t exercise. But you have to remember, I have zero stress. What could I possibly stress out about? Seriously, if anything goes wrong in my life, I have so many people I can blame. It’s truly phenomenal.

Of course, my life has always been phenomenal. But right now is the peak. I can fly anywhere I want on Air Force One without paying a dime. I live in the White House and a giant skyscraper in New York, as well as at a high-end Florida resort where I’m able to interact exclusively with people who pay me steep membership fees. Oh, and did I mention that for the past couple years, I’ve been on the front page of the paper almost every day?

My dad lived to be 93, and I just might outdo him. We’ll see! But I take comfort knowing that when my time finally comes, my kids won’t have to worry about a thing. They’ll have millions of dollars and companies they can run. And who knows? Maybe one of them will follow in my footsteps and wind up in the Oval Office. Ivanka, Don Jr., and the others—they’re set for life.

In the many great years I have ahead of me, I’m going to be happy, I’m going to be powerful, and I’m going to keep getting everything I want in this world, whether it’s real estate, women, media coverage, or political power. You can be sure I’ll do whatever I want and suffer no consequences for any of my actions. And you know what?

There’s not a goddamn thing you can do about it.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.