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After Watching One Episode of “The Great British Baking Show,” I’m Ready to Judge the Break Room Bakes

Janet’s Rice Krispie Treats

Right, then. It all comes down to proportions for this one. If the ratio of crisped rice to marshmallow fluff is even slightly off, the whole thing can collapse. But I have to say, I think you absolutely nailed the recipe on the cereal box. The taste of the mallow comes through beautifully, and we get a lovely crunch from the delicate Krispies.

However, it is a bit basic if I’m being honest. Perhaps if you had substituted a Cocoa Krispie, maybe even a Fruity Pebble, the end result would have been more visually engaging.

Still, it’s a delightful biscuit that you and the entire accounting department should be proud of.

Melissa’s Cake Pops

Oh, Melissa.

Once again it seems you were so preoccupied with presentation that you neglected the bake itself. I suspect you might have overworked the batter, or potentially underworked it, or it’s possible they were in the oven too long, or not long enough. It’s impossible to tell, I’m afraid.

I will say, you achieved a nice glossy sheen on the chocolate coating, and the addition of candy googly eyes represents superlative technique, but that’s not enough to save what’s unfortunately a rather underwhelming bake.

Oh, and while I have your attention, did you get my email about completely reformatting those spreadsheets? Sooner would be better than later!

Leslie’s Banana Pudding Topped With Nilla Wafers

Everyone in the office knows how much I appreciate a great pud, so my expectations were stratospheric when I saw this chilling in the fridge next to the communal LaCroix. And lo and behold, you managed to exceed my expectations by a kilometer.

The flavor of the banana simply sings, and it’s so clever how you added sliced banana to the pud so people know it’s banana and not lemon or something gross like that. The custard has set perfectly, which is a near miracle considering how many times I opened the fridge to check if it had set. And a nice, fresh-from-the-box crispness from the wafer biscuits. Some aerosol whipped cream would have put it over the top, but otherwise it’s difficult to find fault with a masterfully executed classic like this.

Well done, mate.

Joshua’s Vegetable Pizza

You definitely took a risk going with a savory pasty, particularly a cold, open-faced one. But I believe it’s paid off in spades.

You’ve got a stunning golden brown color and superb flaky texture from the Pillsbury crescent dough you rolled together to form the crust–a stroke of true genius, that. Then you have a uniform layer of fromage à la crème; too much and you would have run the risk of a soggy bottom. And the colors of the broccoli florets, fresh tomatoes, and bell peppers look truly dazzling.

That said, the vegetables are really more of a garnish, so I’m just gonna scrape those off onto my paper plate before trying it.

There we go. Much better, innit?

Kaileene’s Ice Cream Cone Cupcakes

Now this is what I call a showstopper. Conceptually it’s leaps and bounds beyond anything this break room has ever seen. Never in my life would I have thought to bake the sponge right in the cone! It’s bloody brilliant is what it is. And the piping work you’ve achieved with the canned funfetti icing is nothing short of extraordinary.

Now let’s cut into it–there we go, would you take a look at that delicate chocolate sponge, made all the more decadent from the gummy worms so evenly displaced throughout. And it tastes as scrummy as scrummy gets. This is professional level baking–and from an intern no less!

I’d say you’re the one to beat, Kaileene.

Robin’s Three-Tier Lemon Gâteau Victoria Filled with Fresh Passionfruit Curd and Raspberry Jam, Lined with Hibiscus-Lime Macarons and Topped With Fondant Orchids and Intricate Sugar Work

I mean, what do you want me to say? It’s a complete disaster, Robin.

I don’t even know where to start.

All this on top, the flower thingies, the giant bow made of spun sugar, it’s all too much. Is fondant even edible? I’m pretty sure it isn’t. Rainbow sprinkles, crushed Oreos, or fun-size Butterfingers would have worked a whole lot better.

Perhaps this is personal preference, but I simply don’t care for the combination of cake and fruit. Sometimes simplicity is best, and I think a traditional chocolate lava cake would have been a wiser choice.

Oh dear, it appears you forgot to remove the seeds from your passionfruit filling. Quite an odd yellowish hue to it, too. Best to forego the curd completely, and the raspberry jam while we’re at it, and replace them with butterscotch or Cool Whip. Finally, your macarons have smooth, crisp shells and chewy, subtly-flavored interiors–just as I feared. Maybe they’d be better dipped in hot fudge?

A huge disappointment all around, I’m afraid. Today just wasn’t your day.

Bill’s No Bake Cookies

Sublime. Exemplary mouthfeel. Positively scrummy. You should be immensely proud of this bake, Bill.

Good show, indeed.

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