Homepage / Fake News / Advice to My Son from Beyond the Grave
This Short Story Has Truly Tickled My Tinglewomble The Things You Notice On Your First Run in a While This Whole Flood Thing Sounds Pretty Bogus An Ice Cream Truck | See Plum Run Gov. Cuomo, Please Repeat That America “Was Never That Great” Mueller Ready To Deliver Major Parts Of Findings After Midterms I’m a 9-1-1 Operator who Loves the Movie “Titanic” Conor McGregor Announces Plans to Fight JFK International Airport If Any Autistic Kids Are Tryna Go To Prom With Me, I’d Be More Than Happy To Do That Shit (By Logan Paul) ‘You Are All Inside Amazon’s Second Headquarters,’ Jeff Bezos Announces To Horrified Americans As Massive Dome Envelops Nation Manny Machado Denies Playing Dirty After Late Slide Into Pitcher’s Mound Timeline Of The U.S. Supreme Court The Weird Lore of the Wendigo and Why They're Kinda the Original Zombies Mirena Releases New 10-Blade IntraUterine Sperm Shredder Why The Scariest Episode Of 'Goosebumps' Is Even Scarier Today Twitter To Totally Ban ‘Retweets’ | Adobo Chronicles A Thank You Note From My Ex’s Current Girlfriend Trump Has Raised Over $100 Million For Reelection Campaign 5 Real Life Cryptids You'll Deal With On A Daily Basis Skip Bayless Rips Shannon Sharpe’s Heart From Body During Debate On Cowboys O-Line Why You Shouldn't Have a Gender Reveal Party Your Horoscope for When the Trappist Exoplanets are in Retrograde Study Finds Over 5 Million Birds Die Annually From Head-On Collisions With Clouds FAA Study Finds 64% Of Engine Failures Caused By Henchman Being Kicked Into Turbine These Rival Gang Members Came Together To Help Build A Community Playground To Fight Over Ugh, Political Comedy is the Worst Bearded, Keffiyeh-Clad Jared Kushner Avoids Conflict Of Interest By Joining Saudi Royal Family KIND Bar CEO Admits They Just Sort Of Find The Bars Like That Heaven Can't Wait National Fraternity Conference Chooses Least MILF-ish Celebrities Canada Starts Legal Marijuana Sales Elizabeth Warren Refuses To Withdraw Candidacy and Announces Presidential Bid How To Charge Your Phone Faster Sprinter Feels Like An Idiot After Finding Out About Jogging Thom Yorke Admits Vast Majority Of Musical Output Fueled By Constant Fear Of Being One-Upped By Coldplay Lottery Ticket Holder Has Already Spent $900 Million In Anticipation Of Winning Big Prize Why Candy Corn Is the Best Halloween Candy, Hands Down Judge Denies Manafort Request To Wear Suit In Court Embarrassed CDC Announces It Accidentally Switched Flu Shots With HIV The Midterm Intervention | HumorFeed A Book Review Of Madeleine Albright’s ‘Fascism: A Warning’ Yankee Candle Clarifies That Product Only Intended To Be Dripped On Balls C-3PO's Origins & HP Lovecraft | Um Actually AC/DC’s next release to be a concept album based on The Krankies I Lost 80 Pounds Just by Exorcising the Demon That was Inhabiting My Body Finding A Great Woman Online: Is It Possible? New Ted Cruz Attack Ad Declares Beto O’Rourke Too Good For Texas Spot Where Dog Vomit Cleaned Up Now Noticeably Cleaner Than Surrounding Floor Is Sen. Warren Featured In The Pocahontas Exhibit At The National Museum Of The American Indian? Viewer Discretion Advised President Implicates Mysterious 400 Pound Man In Journalist’s Disappearance The 4 Disgusting People Who Led Me To Abandon The Priesthood After My Hand Touched Their Tongue While Feeding Them A Communion Wafer Sears Files For Bankruptcy Texas Rangers Asking Taxpayers To Cover 60% Of Bribes Related To New Stadium The Onion’s Guide To Blockchain Technology Elizabeth Warren Releases DNA Test On Native American Ancestry The Midterm Intervention – Will Durst, Humor Times Authorities Say Blacklight Analysis Shows Velvet Poster Of Mushroom Kingdom Looking Even Cooler Than Previously Imagined Melania Trump’s Plane Forced To Make Emergency Landing After Smoke Begins Billowing Out Of First Lady Front-Porch Politics: Everyone Wants Populist Reforms All The Good Sentiments On ‘Get Well Soon’ Card Already Taken Why 'Rings' Has the Dumbest Horror Movie Ending Ever Financial Experts Recommend Young Grifters Start Laying Groundwork For Long Con By 25 Only I Can Insult My Mom House Haunters: HGTV’s New Spooky Halloween Show Homemade DNA Test Proves Trump Boys Are At Least One Jar Blood 5 Party Games For People With Social Anxiety Trump: ‘The Only Way To Find Out What Happened At The Saudi Consulate Is To Send In More Journalists One At A Time’ Dad Apparently Using Spanish Accent To Pronounce Middle Eastern Food Now Arkansas City Posts Bid To Host 2032 Summer Olympic Games Has Your Mother Been Seduced Into Joining a Polygamist Cult? University Suspends All Lightweights From Campus Following Fraternity Hazing Death Saudis Admit Journalist Khashoggi Died During Botched Assassination Attempt Smiley Face Doodled On Check Commemorates Undeniable Chemistry Between Waiter, Ericson Family Tips For Giving A Great Wedding Toast Golden State Raises 2018, 2019, 2020 Championship Banners This Angry Mob Is Never Going To Grow Until We’re More Welcoming To New Members Democratic Candidate Blows Fundraising Lead On Massive 15-Story Lawn Sign ‘The Conners’ Premieres Without Roseanne Barr ‘Roseanne’ Spinoff Showrunner Hopes Big Puddle Of Blood In Kitchen Enough To Explain Main Character’s Disappearance Smitten, Trump Hires Kanye at Lunch Mike Pompeo Impressed By Realism Of Saudis’ Halloween Decorations The Jerry Duncan Show interviews Justice Brett Kavanaugh and Senator Diane Feinstein Melania’s Heart Sinks After Realizing Husband Uses Pet Name ‘Horseface’ For Every Woman He Fucks The 6 Stages of Repressing Your Anger Poll Finds U.S. Global Image Down, Especially Among Allies 8 People On Social Media Who Should Be Considered Criminals State Election Commission Chases Wild Animals Out Of Voting Booths In Preparation For Upcoming Midterms Clash of the Corn Cuties | Fantasy High Gift Ideas to Help Republican Grandparents Bribe Their Grandkids into Not Hating Them for Dooming Humanity Paul Allen To Leave $10,000 To Everyone Who Shares This Post ICE Agent Terrified After Becoming Separated From Team During Immigrant Raid Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 16, 2018 Signs Your Manic Pixie Dream Girl May Be Less Of A “Breakfast At Tiffany’s” And More Of A “Depression Meal At Walmart” Mars Rover Finds Newspaper Warning Of Dire Effects Of Climate Change The Week In Pictures – Week Of October 15, 2018 Washington Supreme Court Strikes Down State’s Death Penalty Grandma Amazed By How Fuckable Grandson Has Gotten Since She Saw Him Last Timeline Of Human Activity In Antarctica Meghan Markle Nervously Looking Over Clinic Pamphlets Weighing Her Options

Fake News

Advice to My Son from Beyond the Grave



Son, if you’re reading this: I am dead. I’m sorry I did not live to be the father that you deserve. So I wanted to leave you the only advice I know how to give, father to son.

Download podcasts before you leave the house. Three should do it for the day, depending on how long your commute is. Just don’t waste data. Perhaps try a Westworld recap podcast, just like Dad would.

By now, you are a man, and men respect hard work. Vary up your podcast diet. For every big-time NPR show there are a hundred tenacious recap podcasts that need your love. Come on, if you’re going to engage with the medium, take a deep dive. A dive I wish we could have taken together, sharing a pair of earbuds while playing catch in the backyard.

A rating doesn’t do anyone any good without a good comment to match. If I were alive, I’d want you to make your comments heartfelt and specific, to love unabashedly and with passion, and to tie back into what just happened on Westworld, otherwise you’re going to look like a poser and get drowned in the algorithm. That’s not the future I’d want for my boy. Not for my brave boy who will graduate high school as I watch from the clouds, wishing I could remind you to savor every moment, and not skip forward fifteen seconds at a time.

If by any chance you’re interested in listening to my Westworld podcast, it’s available to download on iTunes, Overcast, SoundCloud, Stitcher, Podfeed, GPodder, TruMix, and on a dusty pile of cassette tapes locked in an old family chest, to be opened when you come of age. It took me a long time to hit up so many platforms, so if you love me you’ll subscribe on all of them.

Your mother will be lonely after I am gone, and perhaps she will look for companionship. That is understandable. But, if her new partner hosts a rival Westworld recap podcast, put an end to that as soon as you can.

And finally, my son, I will assume that at this point you have started your own Westworld recap podcast so as not to let my legacy die with my body. I was the breadwinner, but you are the man of the house now. Monetize monetize monetize. The going rate for advertisements is $25 to $50 per 1000 listeners, so to look after your mother as well as raise yourself, you’ll need to rack up 37,000 listeners a week in order to make $1135 a week in order to make the $52,000 medium yearly income for an average family, though I’d like to think my progeny would aim a little higher. I know that Westworld only airs ten episodes every two years, but that’s not my problem, and I trust you to pad things out and make it work. You are my flesh, my blood, my final tether to the world of the living, and as long as you keep me in your heart, I will never be truly gone.

Oh, and if Westworld gets bad, please disregard all of the above.


Will you tweet or share this article? Circle YES/NO.

Join other PIC writers in a comedy class at The Second City online (10% off), or subscribe to our newsletter for all-new articles (100% free).




Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish