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Fake News

A Young Movie’s Prayer: “Please Let Me Come to a Theater Near You”

Please, please, please, Movie Gods, if you’re out there, please let me come to a theater near you. It’s all I’ve wanted since I was but a wee script. My name in lights, a box-office hit. A movie universally beloved by all.

I’m willing to do anything to make this happen. And when I say anything, I do mean anything.

Not enough ethnic people in the cast? Spice it up, baby. Too many ethnic people in the cast? Throw some more white people in that shit, baby. The subject matter’s too topical?—it might be divisive in this political climate, baby? How about this: write in a character who’s “one of the good guys,” but also conservative and overtly misogynistic. Someone who’s apt to say things like, “Shut the hell up, snowflake.” Give him a big gun and have him drive a banged-up truck, I don’t care!

Or maybe my style is too indie. Too quiet. We can fix that too. For example, no matter how subtle its “themes” are, just about every movie can benefit from:

  1. Scenes with lots of explosions
  2. Nazis

Some movies do both!

What I want is to be broad enough that I can captivate anyone, but also be specific enough so that people feel an intimate connection with me—as if I’m their movie.

I know this is a lot to ask.

For example, I want to be a movie that the heterosexual community loves, but I also want to be a movie that homosexual community loves. However, what I’ve noticed is if heterosexuals find out that homosexuals love me, they either

  1. Pretend they never loved me in the first place, or
  2. Double down and appropriate that shit.

I’m not entirely sure how to deal with this problem. Perhaps if we separated straight people and gay people into different neighborhoods, I could come to theaters near both of them?

No…that doesn’t sound right.

Hey, what can you do? I’m just a young movie. I’m not here to change the world.

Except I am here to change the world. I’m here to change lives. And I’m willing to bend over backwards to do this—I’m even willing to bend over forwards, bend over sideways, bent over to the front and touch my toes, back that ass up and down and GET LOW (get low).

Maybe we could put that song in the movie. Unless you think it’s too vulgar. Something to consider.

One thing I want to point out. Just this one little thing that I feel like you, the Movie Gods, may have overlooked in the past. Don’t think me ungrateful or anything, I understand it’s all a process and that one day I might look back at this and think, Wow, They really did have a bigger plan in place, didn’t They? But the whole powerful-men-in-the-industry-sexually-harassing-people thing, is that 100% necessary? It just doesn’t seem to be helping any of the movies that involved those people. In fact, the whole industry seems pretty crippled by it.

If it doesn’t make any difference to you, that’s one thing I’d like to avoid, if possible.

I know it’s a lot to ask. But you have to ask yourselves, who deserves the title of “Most Beloved Movie of a Generation” the most? The intellectually stimulating artsy-fartsy movie? The sugarcoated happily-ever-after animation? Another Wes Anderson movie? I mean, come on, how many times are you going to throw that guy a bone? And how many times is he going to make that bone symmetrically perfect in every shot?

For the record, I would definitely let myself be directed by Wes Anderson. On the off chance that Anderson happens to be one of the Movie Gods, know that I’m a big fan. A huge fan, really. I just think we’re all ready for him to branch out a little. Idiosyncrasy will only get you so far, you know? No offense.

Though I don’t want to consider this possibility, I understand if now is not the time for a universally beloved movie of Good Will Hunting proportions to come to a theater near you. But actually, I don’t understand. Why is now not the time? Don’t you want to show the world that movies are still cool, and totally aren’t losing the entertainment battle to long-form television and crap like YouTube?

If you can’t grant me my wish, I want to ask one thing. Please, please, please don’t send me to Netflix. They produce too much stuff, it all gets buried! And all anyone wants to do when they watch Netflix is screw. Please don’t let that happen to me. You know I’ll do anything!

This is my prayer. A young, nubile movie’s prayer. Please, Movie Gods. Let me come to a theater to you.

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