Homepage / Fake News / A Skeptic’s Guide to an “Enlightening” Family Christmas
Scotland Yard Frees 163-Year-Old British Man After DNA Evidence Clears Him Of Being Jack The Ripper Disney Rehires Director James Gunn As Part Of Company-Wide Push Towards Embracing Pedophilia A Relationship Advice Column for Anthropomorphic Trains 5 Things To Know About Pete Buttigieg The Trial of a Dead Guy Grossed-Out Anti-Abortion Activist Has Change Of Heart After Seeing Picture Of Fetus For First Time Scientists Discover Dangerous Link Between Book Learnin’, Back Talk Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 19, 2019 The Green New Meal The Top 5 Online Masters Programs for When You’ve Given Up on Your Dreams Operation Varsity Blues: Rich Is as Rich Does The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Melania Trump and Michelle Obama ‘Marijuana Has No Lasting After Effects’ – HORSE MANURE!!! The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 18, 2019 Thousands Of Students Forced To Attend Iowa State After University Sets Acceptance Rate To 140% President’s Cathartic Words Help Nation Begin To Heal Following Yet Another Senseless ‘Saturday Night Live’ God Really Dreading Visit From Older Brother Who Made Much More Successful Cosmos Trump: ‘Any Shooting Actually Inspired By Me Would Have Left Thousands Dead’ Man Wasting His Life Playing Video Games When There Whole World Of Other Screens Out There Clear Similarities Between Boeing 737 Max 8 Crashes Which of You Soulless Coworkers Ate My Slice of Cake From the Work Fridge? NCAA Launches Investigation Into Why It Wasn’t Making Millions Off Recent College Admissions Scandal Apple Announces Tim Cook Mini Trump Vows To Bring Back Ohio Town’s White Castle This Smart Watch Tells You When You're Going to Die KC Masterpiece CEO Warns Against Society’s Increasing Reliance On A1 Area Man Much Happier, More Relaxed Since Joining Cult Colonel Sanders Was a Union Officer and Will Therefore Not be Cancelled Wireless Headphones May Pose Cancer Risk, Experts Say Lori Loughlin’s Mother Arrested in Prison Admissions Plot Honest Trip to the Doctor 4 Times I Failed My Driving Test Because I Tried to Bring My Examiner to Busch Gardens How to Survive St. Patrick’s Day Without Revealing You’ve Been Cursed to Take the Form of a Leprechaun Chicago St. Patrick’s Day Parade Finally Lifts Ban On Snakes The New Adopt A Writer Program Blade Runner Is Nerd Homework The Necromancer Could Bryce Harper Convince Mike Trout To Follow Him To A Giant Pile Of Money? So, You Thought You Could Just Buy That Thrift Store Jacket Without Consequences? You Fool! Should The NFL Combine Get Rid Of The 40-Mile Dash? Youth Climate Strike Takes Place In Hundreds Of Countries 5 Things To Know About Beto O'Rourke How FEMA Responds To Disasters Yes, James Bond Did Disarm You With Considerable Ease, But You’re Still a Valued Member of This Organization! The Trump Players and the Roller Coaster of Spin Jazz Reminds Fans Racist, Homophobic Language Has No Place In Good Seats More Women Forgoing Taking Their Husbands’ Names In Favor Of Something Badass Like Diesel Sleeping Over for the First Time Woman’s Solo Hiking Trip Shockingly Doesn’t Have To Do With Inner Journey Or Anything Dad Wearing Some New Kind Of Headphones That Wrap Over, Under, Around Ears What Is the Best Invention That Has Yet to Be Invented? Overwhelmed New Grandparents Finally Feeling What It Like To Love A Child Japan To Put Toyota On Moon By 2029 YouTube Presents: Comment Section Classics — A New Way to Experience Music Piece Of Shit Whom Everybody Hates Assures Himself It All In His Head Le’Veon Bell Stipulates Jets Contract Must Contain Immediate-Trade Clause Sceintists Eradicate Rubella, Bring Back Spanish Flu World Wide Web 30 Years Old Dog Feels Like He Always Has To Be ‘On’ Around Family Beto O’Rourke Announces He Starting Obama Cover Campaign Thousands of Middle Class Americans Storm Mexican Border Seeking Better Life Antonio Brown Buys Pittsburgh Billboard To Thank Antonio Brown For Putting Up With City Open Carry: Canada vs U.S. California Halts Death Penalty Trump 2020 Budget Includes Plan to Cut Entitlements by Shooting Elderly and Infirm 2020 Presidential Candidate Pete Buttigieg Announces Bold Plan For 2,500-Mile Intercontinental Riverwalk Rahm Emanuel Breaks Ground On New Jason Van Dyke Police Academy ‘C’mon, C’mon,’ Says Matt Damon Desperately Searching For Own Name On List Of IMDB User Dolphinsoul60’s Top 100 Actors Butcher the National Anthem for $2,000 Welcome to Nextdoor Fight Club, Where You Must Turn Every Topic into a Fight Responsible Gym Member Makes Sure To Wipe Down Personal Trainer After Workout Anti-Vaxxer Movement By The Numbers Tennis Instructor Mentoring Young Player Sees Potential In Parents’ Income Experts Recommend Changing Batteries In Smoke Detector Every 6 Fires Concerning the “Automated Boudoir Companion” I Purchased From Your Catalog 5 Things To Know About Andrew Yang Experts Warn There No End In Sight For Venezuela Blackouts 50 Charged In College Admissions Bribing Scandal It’s Not Socialism; It’s What the People Want ‘Cops’ Turns 30 Religious Conservatives Argue Adam And Eve Would Never Have Been Banished From Eden If They’d Had Guns Guy Fieri as a Jeff Buckley Song Unsettling Study Finds Second Cousins Technically Fair Game Just Go Ahead And Tell Yourself Bribery Is The Only Reason You Didn’t Get Into Columbia Husband Buys Wife Tickets To See Singer She Wants To Fuck List: The Hidden Messages in Various Albums If You Play Them Backwards Early Warning Signs Your Workers Are Trying to Unionize Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 12, 2019 Man Playing ‘Battlefield V’ Has Now Spent More Of Life Fighting Nazis Than Grandfather Did USC Insists Lori Loughlin’s Daughter Was Admitted Solely Based On Socioeconomic Background Trump Complains About Overly Complicated Controls Needed To Operate Modern-Day Doors China Grounds All 737 Max 8 Planes Following Crash Nation’s Flag Nerds Anxiously Watching D.C. Statehood Push Giants Consider Drafting Quarterback To Mentor Eli Manning New Iowa Poll Finds Majority Of Democrats Would Vote For Candidate Named ‘Bobby Cheeseburger’ Stranded on the North Pole Easy Steps to Getting Your Pre-Baby Body Back Before Leaving the Hospital 5 Things To Know About ‘Queer Eye’ Season 3 Butterfly Under Immense Pressure Not To Fuck Up Timeline With Misplaced Wing Flap We Didn’t Start The Choir

Fake News

A Skeptic’s Guide to an “Enlightening” Family Christmas


“You are probably going to be a very successful person. But you’re going to go through life thinking that [people] don’t like you because you’re a nerd. And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that that won’t be true. It’ll be because you’re an asshole.” — Aaron Sorkin, The Social Network

It’s the most wonderful time of the year — that singular season where regardless of race, creed, credo, or semester of freshman philosophy, contrarians around the world join voices in their most beloved pastime: nitpicking the simple traditions that bring their families joy. So in the spirit of “rationality,” our skeptics have compiled a guide on how to use your evolved brain to  really fucking ruin  enlighten your family’s holiday. Let’s get crackin’, killjoys!

1. Point Out That Christmas is Based on a Pagan Tradition — Have they heard it before? Probably. Do they care? Not really. But is that a reason for you to stop? Heck no. How will they see the error of their ways without your guidance? For you have ascended, the apotheosis of rationality, and it is your divine duty to lead them to the truth: Pagans did it first.

a. Bonus points: Professional spoilsport Neil DeGrasse Tyson (NDT) has almost assuredly tweeted something to this effect. Cite his missive for scholarly support!

2. Declare That Christ Couldn’t Have Been Born on December 25th — Ideally at the height of a joyous family moment, like after singing a beloved Christmas song or at the end of It’s A Wonderful Life.

a. Bonus points: NDT has also almost assuredly tweeted that “Jesus” shares his “birthday” with an even godlier figure, Isaac Newton. Repeat this fact until someone threatens violence.

b. Bonus bonus points: Repeat after me: “If Jesus was born in the winter, how come the shepherds in Bethlehem were out tending to their flock? They only do that in the summer months. Checkmate, Papists.”

3. Trot Out Some Wikipedia Knowledge -i- Interrupt the family blessing by showing a research study on the ineffectiveness of prayer. Don’t just use Wikipedia. Use the footnotes at the bottom of Wikipedia. And pretend you started there. #Intellectual

4. Explain How Your Rich College Friend Does The Holidays Better — Those affluent atheists come from money and care not for the small magic of an intimate family holiday. Reiterate how great it would be to be their son.

a. Bonus points: If they’re Jewish. Or Neil DeGrasse Tyson.

5. Throw Their Eurocentrism in Their Faces — Why does every painting of Jesus make him look like Jim Caviezel? The man (yes, I said man. Not “God,” you sheep) was from the Middle East. Consider another culture for once in your life and please pass the baklava.

6. Hold Your Family’s Feet to the Fires of Capitalism — Santa Claus? A soulless creation of Coca-Cola to help them hock a sugary beverage. Gift-giving? A forced sacrifice to America’s plutocrat lords, a perverse tithe to the very system that enslaves our minds, ensnares our families, and empties our pocketbooks. Stockings? A waste of good socks.

7. Debunk the Puerile “War on Christmas” — Did anyone even mention it? Of course not. It’s Fox News propaganda. But just in case, show the fam’ that YouTube think-piece that thoroughly debunks the notion. Be humble(ish) as they praise thy wisdom.

a. Bonus points: Watch the director’s cut (feat. commentary by NDT)

8. Get Into The Spirit…Of Festivus — So you’ve debunked (and perhaps ruined) Christmas. What now? Easy — indulge in the choice holiday of curmudgeons and party poopers worldwide: Festivus! So gather ‘round that Festivus pole and air the grievance that, because of your snobby fun-sucking, your family has disowned you entirely.

—Happy Holidays!—

We’re now accepting list submissions! Although we’re contractually prohibited from telling you whether Santa had anything to do with that decision. Join the PIC newsletter for weekly comedy headlines. Save 10% on comedy classes at The Second City using code PIC.


Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish