Homepage / Fake News / A Skeptic’s Guide to an “Enlightening” Family Christmas
This Dog Is Way Too Happy About Smelling Cancer List: You Won’t Believe the Names of Charles Dickens’ Top Five Male Porn Stars Mom Wants To Know If You Could Use Grandma’s Antique, 12-Person Dining Room Table In Your Studio Apartment Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 15, 2019 Universe Admits We’re Here to Keep up with the Kardashians Man Crouched Inside Of Robotic Welding Arm Terrified Robot Will Eventually Take His Job Fed-Up EU Rejects United Kingdom, Gives British 30 Days To Vacate Europe Lady Gaga Has Second Thoughts About Her “Do What You Want (With My Body)” Duet with R Kelly. Chuck Schumer Honestly Pretty Amazed He Hasn’t Caved Yet Progressive Populism: A Different Kind of Political Beauty GOP Leaders Condemn Steve King For White Supremacy Comment NBA Ref Petrified After Seeing Depiction Of Own Death While Looking Under Replay Hood Viagra Announces Real Medicine That Gave Customers Erections Was Confidence All Along Poll Shows Increasing Number Of Voters Blame Founding Fathers For Starting America The Gruesome Truth About Parasites [Full Episode] Victorian Courtship Etiquette That I, A Millennial Male, Am In Favor of Rekindling William Barr Assures Senate He Will Let Donald Trump Finish His Job Without Any Interference Government Shutdowns By The Numbers FBI Opened Inquiry Into Whether Trump Working For Russians I Just Found Out My Hot Gay Boyfriend Is Also My Twin Brother Tinder Announces App Will No Longer Match Users Solely With Distant Relatives Advisors Instruct William Barr To Avoid Referring To Trump As ‘My Liege’ During Confirmation Hearing Most Americans Blame Trump For Shutdown Furloughed Federal Employee Starts Online Search For New Government GOP Strips Steve King Of Post On Powerful House Segregation Committee 2005 Minnesota Vikings (with Rob O'Connor) ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Excited To Hear Series Will Finally Be Over A Computer Co-Wrote this Sketch Christmas Really Over, Man Realizes As iPhone Game Switches Out Holiday Icon R&B Singer Guesses She’ll Just Keep Moaning Into Mic Until Song Is Over List: Chuck Norris Would Like to Revisit His Facts Nation’s Idiots Announce Plans To Jump Off Their Roofs Into A Pile Of Snow And Break Their Fucking Legs Tips To Become a Better Job Hunter & Gatherer I’m Orville Redenbacher’s Dad and I Think His Popcorn Sucks Ass White Nationalists Accuse Google of Anti-Nazi Bias When He Doesn't Get the Hint [Full Episode] The Lemon Water You Drank in an Attempt to Detox Needs Back-Up Let Me and the 10 Demons That Possess Me Host the Oscars Locker Rooms Bilbo Gets Trolled The Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez ‘I’ve Never Had Sex’ Interview Pt 2 Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Instant Pot Recipes for Angering Everyone The Humor Times Needs Your Help! The Trump Family Intervention – Marilyn Sands, Humor Times The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Senator Chuck Grassley and Former Senator Orrin Hatch A Day in the Life of Timothée Chalamet’s Stylist Oh No, Did We Hurt Brennan's Feelings? Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Admits: ‘I’ve Never Had Real Sex!’ | You make the news…We report it! List: Official Ranking of Every Hollywood “Chris” Ethan Hawke’s Body Found Dumped In Laurel Canyon As 2019 Oscar Race Heats Up I Will Continue to Block the Slide Until We Build a Wall Separating Our Recess from Mrs. Montgomery’s Class This Amazing New Anti-Bullying Campaign Reminds Kids That Even Though Bullying Might Be Fun, Rewarding, And Cool, It Can Sometimes Make You Tired List: What to Expect With Your First 18-Year-Old War I, The Lovable Prankster of My House, Have Been Asked to Move Out for Some Reason Fantasy High Binge Compilation (Episodes 1 – 8) I Have a Passion for Ecologically Restoring the Habitat of the Beast TSA Guy Circling Stuff On Boarding Pass With Reckless Abandon Advisory Group : “Being Speaker of the House Doesn’t Mean You Always Have to Have Your Mouth Open” Feeling Smart is the New Smart I’m Concerned My Cult Isn’t Sacrificing Enough Virgins Creating Rounded Characters (with Lou Wilson) You've NEVER Seen Star Wars?! Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Admits Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Enemy Rita Repulsa Is Her Mother CIA Issues Posthumous Apology After New Evidence Clears Osama Bin Laden Of Involvement In 9/11 Attacks The Monster Under My Bed Is Addicted to His iPhone Study: Most Teens Who Respond to Acne Treatment Still Ugly After Xmas Gift Wish List Where Is AI Driving Us? The Family Dog Would Like Some Firm Rules on What Can & Cannot Be Humped Science and History Get Weird in WHAT THE F 101 [Official Trailer] Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 8, 2019 Tumbleweed Of Pubes Rolls Through Desolate Dorm Bathroom President Ends Shutdown After Disruption To Nation's Cheeseburger Supply Line Elon Musk, I Can Do Your Job! This Turkey is a Total TILF The State Nicknames Convention | Points in Case You Don't Actually Need a Menu It’s Not An Easy Thing To Admit When You’re Wrong, And That’s Why I Won’t Do It How My Wife Improved Robert Frost’s Most Famous Poem An Amazon Warehouse Worker’s Year-In-Review Analytics Lin Manuel Miranda Said He’d Kill My Family If I Didn’t Inspire You This Morning Instructions for the True Crime Podcast Producers Investigating My Unsolved Murder A Planet Full of Appetizers The Body Isn’t a Wonderland: Some Suggestions to Improve Pregnancy My Resolutions for You in 2019 8 Reasons You Shouldn’t Play God (That Aren’t Some Bullshit About Morality) Don't Bother Fixing Your Problems Happy New Year! Get Your Shit Together and Buy a Planner Mitt Romney: The President of the United States Has the Responsibility to At Least Pretend to Be a Good Person Dow Jones Slips into ‘Rape and Pillage’ Market List: Less-Subtle Pre-Filled Opt-Out Insults Fantasy High Cast Reflects on Season One The Pros and Cons of Owning Different Pets A Few Quick Notes About Your Son’s “Tree #2” Role in His 6th Grade Play, From Me, The Lead’s Mother List: 10 Ways to Make Grandma’s Physician-Assisted Suicide Family Get-Together More Fun Writing a Public Apology? Clappy is Here to Help! Your New Year's Resolutions Never Change Getting My Just Desserts: Diet Myths Debunked DIY Democracy – Jim Hightower, Humor Times NBC Aires Chrissy Teigen’s Steamed Vagina Health Tips Live During New Years Eve Telecast

Fake News

A Skeptic’s Guide to an “Enlightening” Family Christmas



“You are probably going to be a very successful person. But you’re going to go through life thinking that [people] don’t like you because you’re a nerd. And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that that won’t be true. It’ll be because you’re an asshole.” — Aaron Sorkin, The Social Network

It’s the most wonderful time of the year — that singular season where regardless of race, creed, credo, or semester of freshman philosophy, contrarians around the world join voices in their most beloved pastime: nitpicking the simple traditions that bring their families joy. So in the spirit of “rationality,” our skeptics have compiled a guide on how to use your evolved brain to  really fucking ruin  enlighten your family’s holiday. Let’s get crackin’, killjoys!

1. Point Out That Christmas is Based on a Pagan Tradition — Have they heard it before? Probably. Do they care? Not really. But is that a reason for you to stop? Heck no. How will they see the error of their ways without your guidance? For you have ascended, the apotheosis of rationality, and it is your divine duty to lead them to the truth: Pagans did it first.

a. Bonus points: Professional spoilsport Neil DeGrasse Tyson (NDT) has almost assuredly tweeted something to this effect. Cite his missive for scholarly support!

2. Declare That Christ Couldn’t Have Been Born on December 25th — Ideally at the height of a joyous family moment, like after singing a beloved Christmas song or at the end of It’s A Wonderful Life.

a. Bonus points: NDT has also almost assuredly tweeted that “Jesus” shares his “birthday” with an even godlier figure, Isaac Newton. Repeat this fact until someone threatens violence.

b. Bonus bonus points: Repeat after me: “If Jesus was born in the winter, how come the shepherds in Bethlehem were out tending to their flock? They only do that in the summer months. Checkmate, Papists.”

3. Trot Out Some Wikipedia Knowledge -i- Interrupt the family blessing by showing a research study on the ineffectiveness of prayer. Don’t just use Wikipedia. Use the footnotes at the bottom of Wikipedia. And pretend you started there. #Intellectual

4. Explain How Your Rich College Friend Does The Holidays Better — Those affluent atheists come from money and care not for the small magic of an intimate family holiday. Reiterate how great it would be to be their son.

a. Bonus points: If they’re Jewish. Or Neil DeGrasse Tyson.

5. Throw Their Eurocentrism in Their Faces — Why does every painting of Jesus make him look like Jim Caviezel? The man (yes, I said man. Not “God,” you sheep) was from the Middle East. Consider another culture for once in your life and please pass the baklava.

6. Hold Your Family’s Feet to the Fires of Capitalism — Santa Claus? A soulless creation of Coca-Cola to help them hock a sugary beverage. Gift-giving? A forced sacrifice to America’s plutocrat lords, a perverse tithe to the very system that enslaves our minds, ensnares our families, and empties our pocketbooks. Stockings? A waste of good socks.

7. Debunk the Puerile “War on Christmas” — Did anyone even mention it? Of course not. It’s Fox News propaganda. But just in case, show the fam’ that YouTube think-piece that thoroughly debunks the notion. Be humble(ish) as they praise thy wisdom.

a. Bonus points: Watch the director’s cut (feat. commentary by NDT)

8. Get Into The Spirit…Of Festivus — So you’ve debunked (and perhaps ruined) Christmas. What now? Easy — indulge in the choice holiday of curmudgeons and party poopers worldwide: Festivus! So gather ‘round that Festivus pole and air the grievance that, because of your snobby fun-sucking, your family has disowned you entirely.

—Happy Holidays!—

We’re now accepting list submissions! Although we’re contractually prohibited from telling you whether Santa had anything to do with that decision. Join the PIC newsletter for weekly comedy headlines. Save 10% on comedy classes at The Second City using code PIC.




Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish