Homepage / Fake News / A Paranormal Investigator’s Guide to Ghost Hunting on Camera
Your #MeToo “Apology” For Yom Kippur Has Been Rejected Ronco and The Franklin Mint Combine with Democratic Party on Commemorative Plate Set Clarence Thomas Returns To Senate As White Man Named Brett My Husband Les Moonvez Gave Us Young Sheldon, And That's Good Enough for Me! By: Julie Chen London Mayor Calls For Second Brexit Referendum Fraternity Brothers Make Note Not To Kill Pledge Whose Family Has Lake House Marc Benioff Buys ‘Time’ Magazine For $190 Million White House Increases Number Of Asylum Seekers Allowed To Enter Spike-Filled Refugee Compactor Ted Cruz Attempts To Connect With Voters By Wearing More Handsome Man’s Face As Mask Blood-Spattered Sarah Huckabee Sanders Holds Up Huge Dismembered Penis To Prove Presidential Member Completely Normal Woman Longs For Day When First Female President Can Have Tell-All Book Written About Disgusting Vagina Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 18, 2018 Video Game Character Stares Impotently At Forbidden Realm Beyond Impassable Waist-High Bush Emotional Le’Veon Bell Reveals Holdout A Result Of Forgetting How To Run Is This The Worst Life Hack Ever Made? How to Make an Atom Bomb While Your Roommates Are Out of Town Tips For Long Bike Rides Scientist Close To Developing Life-Saving Vaccine That They Can Rub In Faces Of Their Doubters RuPaul Makes History as Viacom Earns 8 Awards – Viacom Corporate A Massive Storm is Barreling Down on my Family and Conversation with Them Has Never Been Easier Semi-Humorous Meetings with Strange Creatures in the Night The Failing Donald Trump Hires a Posse White Castle Now Selling Veggie Burger Sliders Nationwide The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Buckwheat Luke, Owen Wilson Recall Meeting On Set Of ‘The Royal Tenenbaums’ Kavanaugh Defends His Originalist Position Fingernail Got Fucking Huge Out Of Nowhere We Want Your House – Howard Zaharoff, Humor Times Cash-Strapped Zuckerberg Forced To Sell 11 Million Facebook Users Senate Republicans Seek To Delay Kavanaugh Vote Until Accuser Properly Smeared Emergency Room Admissions To Soar On Trump’s FEMA Text Alert Trial Kavanaugh Sweating Bullets After Betting Life Savings On Being Confirmed To Supreme Court FEMA Airdrops Emergency Cyanide Pills For Residents Stranded By Hurricane Florence Don’t Blame Me, Blame The Stars! GOP Releases New Letter Supporting Kavanaugh Signed By Orrin Hatch 500 Times Steve Bannon Calls #MeToo Most Powerful Political Movement In World Marine Biologists Reveal That Majority Of World’s Oceans Remain Boring As Shit White House Raises Official Hurricane Florence Death Toll To -17 Our Weirdest Sex Misconceptions Koch Brothers Furious Kavanaugh Never Disclosed That Nation Might Care About Sexual Abuse I Read Your Guidelines, But I’m Submitting This Piece That Clearly Isn’t a Fit for Your Publication Because, Well, Just Read It and You’ll See Why Kavanaugh On Sexual Assault Allegations: ‘I Miss High School’ The Week In Pictures – Week Of September 17, 2018 Maxine Waters Fails Hearing Test | You make the news…We report it! Oh no! Elon Musk went on a heroin user's podcast and shot himself full of junk Um, Actually: Star Trek, Schwarzenegger, and Stoker The Pillow Personality Test | Points in Case Donald Trump Claims He’s Found Obama’s ‘Lost Birth Certificate’ There’s Nothing Quite Like Traveling Abroad and Soaking In All the Rich, Authentic Poverty Pope Summons World’s Bishops For Meeting On Sexual Abuse Frat Brothers Draw All Over Pledge Who Passed Away At Party Second Fatwa Issued On Salman Rushdie For Derivative, Uninspired 13th Novel High School Drama Teacher Already Has Pretty Good Idea Who He’ll Pick For Fall Girlfriend The Onion’s 2018 Emmy Predictions Manafort Reaches Plea Deal With Special Counsel Top 5 Most Potent Celery Strains You’re Upset I Broke Into Your House And Stole A Bunch Of Your Shit. Don’t Worry, I’m Donating Everything To Goodwill Scientists Announce They’ve Completed Mapping The Human G-Spot Woman’s Children Officially Old Enough To Pony Up For Good Birthday Gift This Year Mike Pence Struggling To Reckon With Vision Of Prophet Muhammad Revealing That VP Destined To Become Next President 7 Misdemeanors Every College Kid Justifies as Fine Annual “Throw a Paper Airplane at a Mosque Day” Guidelines Released My First day at the Department for Duplicated Departments Casting Bawl Apple Releases Three New iPhones Latest Polls Show Support for Trump Reduced to Mostly Meth Heads The Onion’s 2018 Fall Movie Preview ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens ‘Just Tell Me Whose Feet To Wash’ How Colleges Are Appealing To The Digital Native Generation Trump Redirected Nearly $10 Million In FEMA Funds Toward ICE The 8 Types of Players In Every Game of 'Never Have I Ever' New Smithsonian Exhibit Details How Fashion Pioneers Tamed The Frumpy West The Case For And Against Confirming Brett Kavanaugh Gentrification Begets Gentrification – Jim Hightower, Humor Times If Movie Posters Were Honest (September 2018 Edition) Freeloading Refugee Children Taking Up Thousands Of Prison Cells Meant For Real Americans FEMA Officials Panic After Accidentally Evacuating 1 Million Residents In Direction Of Hurricane MoviePass CEO: PLEASE DON'T CANCEL Woman Starting To Worry She Just Has Type Of Face Where Makeup Looks Insane What Your Favorite Type of Apple Says About You Pony Anxiously Waiting For Attendant To Flag Large Child As Too Big For Ride Nurse’s Tray All Scalpels Writer’s Block Busted! Political Speechwriters Edition Study: Nuclear Power Necessary To Cut Climate Emissions Cameraman Strikes Gold With Tubby Fan Eating Ice Cream, Dancing, Holding Baby Sweatshop Worker Doesn’t Even Want To Know Working Conditions Of Place Her Company Gets Fabric 7 Venmo Transactions Between Luke And Owen Wilson That Make It Seem Like They’ve Been Practicing Dentistry On Each Other Apple Fans Disappointed After Company Unveils Same Overpriced CEO That Barely Fucking Works TV ‘n’ Dinner in Trumpworld: What to Cook When You’re Watching Fake News 6 Style Guides For College Freshman Pope Starting To Suspect Bishops Getting Huge Erections During Meeting On Child Sexual Abuse Might Be Pedophiles Whoa, Slow Down There, Buddy. Nobody Dates My Daughter Without Telling Me Which ‘Sailor Moon’ Character They Are First More Than 1 Million Ordered To Evacuate Due To Hurricane Florence Emails Between God and His IT Guy Apple Announces New Trade-In Offer For Customers To Exchange Their Old iPhones For Absolutely Nothing Man Going To Restroom Deputizes Friend To Order Him Another Beer Dermatologist Recommends Not Caring So Much What Other People Think Couple Nervous To Admit They Met Online In Comments Section Of ‘How To Iron Shirt’ Video Superheroes in the Millennial Legion

Fake News

A Paranormal Investigator’s Guide to Ghost Hunting on Camera

So you want to be a ghost hunter, like those guys on TV. Or like that married couple from the movies who investigated that doll or something. Whatever the inspiration, you’ve made an important career choice.

Here are four tips that will help you in your paranormal exploits.

1. Overreact to drafts.

There’s no easier way to prove your ghost hunting cred than to feel a cold breeze in the middle of a house and then freak the shit out about it. Just stop whatever you’re doing and stay frozen for at least five seconds. Don’t move, but desperately shift your eyes back and forth. This will all be caught on the night vision cameras, so the eye movements will look pretty cool.

When your partners ask you what’s wrong, say, “Guys! Guys! Do you feel that? Guys! Do you feel that?” Feel free to repeat your sentences as many times as you want. When it comes to slight drafts, it’s important to prolong the moment as much as possible.

Once you’re finished, and all of your partners have agreed that, yes, this old house has some suspiciously cold parts in it, check all the nearby windows to make sure they’re closed. Don’t mention anything about the poor insulation.

Bonus points, of course, if you can get your arm hair to stand on end. If so, show your forearm to everyone else in the room for added credibility.

2. Misinterpret noises.

Because you won’t capture any actual evidence of ghosts, it’s important to record as much white noise as possible, pick a random crackle in the audio, and then act like it sounds like an English phrase. “Get out” is a classic. As is “help.”

Sometimes, you can say that the noise sounds like a name. Be sure that you pick an old-fashioned name, like “Rebecca” or “Ernest.” It would be much less believable if you say that an old house is haunted by the ghost of “Jayden” or “Katniss.”

Once you’ve shared the white noise with everyone else, play it again a few times and declare that you have a strange feeling every time you hear it. That’s Ghost Hunting 101.

3. Pretend that you saw a movement, but the camera just missed it.

You’ll be spending a lot of time walking through a dark building shining your flashlight into corners. Obviously, there will be shadows. And if you’re lucky, the camera will pick up a random shadow that somehow looks human-shaped. It helps if the house is full of lamps and furniture.

Eventually, you’ll shine the light at the right angle, and the footage will be golden.

Every once in a while, though, you should make a grunt noise, spin around, and shine your light into a corner. When your partners ask you what happened, explain that you just saw a movement. They’ll freak out, you’ll freak out, and then together, you’ll check out the area for signs of something.

You won’t find anything, of course, but you’ve still made an impression on your audience.

4. Shout, “Did you feel that?!”

This is a really useful phrase. Variations also include “Did you see that?!” or “Did you hear that?!” Every few minutes that you’re ghost hunting, shout one of these phrases and wait for your partners to respond. When they ask what you felt/saw/heard, give them a vague answer, like, “I don’t know. But I think it’s angry.”

It’s always good to project feelings onto the spirits, like anger or sadness. Maybe they want your help. Maybe they want you to get out. Whatever it is, pull some conjecture out of your ass and hope that your ghost hunting partners improvise with you.

When finished, go back to exploring and repeat each step once more. Do this enough times, and you should be ready for your own TV show.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.