Homepage / Fake News / A Legendary Afternoon of Batting Practice with My 10-Year-Old Son
Puerto Rico Hit By Island-Wide Blackout Examining the Kochtopus – Jim Hightower, Humor Times Golden Retriever Mauls 5 In Huge Victory For Pitbull Apologists Storm Warning – Will Durst, Humor Times Mike Pompeo Defects To North Korea After Learning About Kim Jong-Un’s Torture Program Trash Bag Taped Over Broken Southwest Plane Window The Most Intimate Step in a Relationship Dad Ready To Forgive Dixie Chicks 10 Celebrities Then vs Now If Amazon and the Postal Service Were Two Teenage Boys in Forbidden Love Tips For Traveling Solo God Recalls Life-Changing Encounter With 8-Year-Old Boy Who Had Near-Death Experience Nation’s Liberals Not Sure What To Think After Hearing Special Counsel Has Waterboarded Every Suspect In Trump Investigation Even If We Ban Guns, Someone Would Invent a Machine With a Different Name That Does the Same Thing Grandma Defiantly Taking Scone Recipe To Grave Kendrick Lamar Wins Historic Pulitzer Prize For ‘DAMN.’ Spring Appalachian Road Trip Memes – The Sequel! Nintendo Has Released A Chair That Will Launch You Through Your TV If You Crash In ‘Mario Kart’ Humor Creators File Lawsuit Against Hundreds of Millions: You May Be Among Them New Employee Doesn't Understand That's Where Zack Sits The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews the Think Tank Carmelo Anthony Struggles To Get Rhythm Back After Making Shot J.K. Rowling Has Revealed That Dementors Are The Wizarding World’s Version Of Italians Barbara Bush Dies At 92 Barbara Bush Passes Away Surrounded By Loved Ones, Jeb Shy Balloon Spends Entire Party Floating In Back Corner Of Room By Itself Cottonelle Adds Blue Strip To Toilet Paper But Keeps What It Does A Secret 5 Reasons To Watch Reruns of ‘The Office’ Instead of Any New Show Congress Not Sure What It Did To Make Trump Think It Wouldn’t Roll Over For Whatever He Wants In Syria I Cut My Tongue Licking a Chobani Lid Again No Cash Left Behind Impoverished Kenyan Bean Picker Can’t Wait To See What Starbucks Has To Say About Racial Sensitivity TGI Fridays Is A Human Right Top 5 Kinkiest Fashion Trends Of The 18th Century New Law Requires Sex Offenders To Inform Residents Before Moving Into Their Homes New Evidence Suggests First Gallows Created As Early Attempt At Autoerotic Asphyxiation Michael Jordan Attacks Softness, Lack Of Competitiveness In Modern Blackjack Players Biggest Revelations From James Comey’s New Book 5 Questions With John Krasinski Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 17, 2018 Poisoned Water Supply Creates Gray Area in Syria Step Right Up And Feast Your Eyes On The Unfathomable Comey, The Man Who Is Both Good And Bad! The Beautiful Monster Who Makes Resisters’ Minds Spin! Betrayer Of Hillary! Enemy Of Trump! Behold This Freak Of Nature! Controversial Theory Suggests Aliens May Have Built Ancient Egypt’s Intergalactic Spaceport Mueller Combs Through Dozens Of Damning White House Emails He Was Accidentally CC’d On Alex Jones Pleads With Sandy Hook Parents To Imagine Pain An Expensive Lawsuit Would Cause Him Comey Says Trump ‘Morally Unfit’ To Be President As Clash Escalates Kendrick Lamar Becomes First Rapper To Win Pulitzer Prize For Editorial Cartooning The Stages Of Dealing WIth Computer Problems Hannity Claims Relationship With Cohen Never Went Past Payment For Legal Advice, Defense Strategy In Criminal Cases Half-Empty Bottle Of Colt 45 Left On Church Steps Must Be Offering To God The Story Behind Reddit’s Most Specific, Brutally Honest, and Impossible-To-Remember Community I’ll Be Back To Fix Our Marriage After This 72-Hour “Fortnite” Session Man Fears He May Never Trust Again After Treasured Picture Of Duck Turns Out To Be Rabbit  Half-Empty Bottle Of Olde English Left On Church Steps Must Be Offering To God Men Fired In Wake Of #MeToo Come Forward About How It Took Them Several Hours To Find New Jobs Al Gore, World’s Fattest Fool, Pretends UK is Tropical Paradise over Easter Researchers Find New Malware Designed To Make ATMs Spit Out Cash The 5 Worst People in Your D&D Game Reviews of Yellowstone National Park By Bison Gaming History Unearthed: Fans Have Located The Desert Mass Grave Where Atari Buried All Of Its Employees Responsible For The ‘E.T.’ Video Game 6 Reasons Brandon Gave For Why His Dad Isn’t Around That Are Definitely Bullshit New ‘Lord Of The Rings’ Book ‘The Fall Of Gondolin’ To Be Released This Year The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 16, 2018 Cool Glitch Effect On Movie Studio Logo Must Mean Shit About To Go Down Americans File Returns For Tax Day U.S. Won’t Rule Out Escalating Defense-Sector Profits From Syria Conflict Ex-Boyfriend Hopes To Still Be Terrible, Incompatible Friends Comey Suddenly Realizes Entire Book Just A Subconscious Defense Mechanism To Hide His True Feelings It Time To Give Up CollegeHumor’s Best Special Effects – CollegeHumor Video Armie Hammer’s Rehab Clinic for Actors Who Had to Dance on Film Once Comey: ‘What Can I Say, I’m Just A Catty Bitch From New Jersey And I Live For Drama’ Flower Freaking Out After Realizing There’s A Bee On It Woman Forced To Do Some Detective Work After Obituary For Dead Classmate Leaves Off Cause Of Death The Best Feelings of the Week (4/13/2018) Manager Of Combination Taco Bell/KFC Secretly Considers It Mostly A Taco Bell I’m The Word “Moist” And I’m Tired Of Everyone Always Cringing Around Me Ripping the Headlines Today, 4/16/18 Weathermen In A Warming Future Shakespeare Final Exam Written by an English Professor in The Middle of a Raging Divorce BREAKING: Philippines Vice President, Others, Briefly Arrested By German Police | Adobo Chronicles Grant and Katie Are Starting Their Own Company How to Tell If Your Pain Advocacy Group is Actually Run By the Makers of OxyContin David Lynch Pitches a Reboot of Schoolhouse Rock’s “How a Bill Becomes a Law” Kendrick Lamar Has A Big Concert On Wednesday And His Rap Tutor Is Out Of Town On Vacation Upcoming ‘Game Of Thrones’ Battle Reportedly Took 55 Days To Shoot Dermatologists Recommend Regularly Checking Body For Screaming Demonic Face Bulging Out Of Skin Brian Williams Is Being Forced To Resign From MSNBC After Leaked Documents Have Revealed That He’s A Hillbilly Report: Dez Bryant Could Be Perfect Fit For NFL Team Lacking Locker-Room Cancer Nation Confused After James Comey Dedicates Entire Memoir To In-Depth Retelling Of Martha Stewart Insider Trading Controversy Fleetwood Mac Fires Lindsey Buckingham Astronomers Say Wednesday Night Will Be Best Chance For Americans To View ‘NOVΛ’ Cambridge Analytica Whistleblower Admits Last Few Weeks At Work Have Been Awkward ‘Holy Shit, The Government Owes Me 50 Million Dollars,’ Reports Man Incorrectly Filling Out His Taxes How to Sell Your Smoky Beanie Baby Collection, According to My Aunt Connie, A Non-Smoker Man Filming Childbirth Picks Up Some B-Roll Of Wife’s Vagina While Waiting For Baby To Crown Viacom Says “Yaaas” to Expansive First-Look TV Deal with Broad City Creators Abbi and Ilana – Viacom Corporate This Child Would Have Turned 6 Today If His Mother Hadn't Given Birth To Him In October Report: You In The Way Of Billiards Game Woman Spends Entire Date Wondering If This The One She’ll Mace

Fake News

A Legendary Afternoon of Batting Practice with My 10-Year-Old Son

Buy the Wine Cloud T-Shirt at Awkward T-shirts
dab on them haters t-shirt
I Believe in ReinCATnation T-Shirt Amazon.com
Funny Books Reading T-Shirt Amazon.com
Funny Breaking News T-Shirt Amazon.com
previous arrow
next arrow
PlayPause
Slider



“Do you want to have a haiku contest? I will totally kick your ass!”

My son Mikey delivered those words during a regular, let’s-head-out-the-door-to-Target afternoon. And yes, I generally try to convince him to speak civilly in our house but that time I let it go because I was too busy laughing, and very seriously pulling out my paper and pen.

Where does he get this competitive intensity coupled with inappropriate choice of words for a 10-year-old? Me.

So that’s why, when Mikey gave me the haiku-writing challenge, I shouted, “You’re on!” even though I should have been slicing apples and nursing my newborn.

Like a puppy I run happily after the balls and rack up Fitbit steps in the process. Fitbitting is my new sport to match my new job as kid chauffeur.

He’s already beating me—“pathetically!” as he will shout—at all the sports challenges. Except, that is, for pool challenges, both kinds. I can swim faster than that little muscular mouth-offer, and I can outplay him on the pool table. Of course, he tries to heavily cheat at these to compensate, which means it all goes downhill pretty quickly and I only get a win or two in before we have to move on to other things so we both stay alive.

Nevertheless, one of my favorite moments ever with Mikey was on his turf, out in our nearby field, on a little spring afternoon when I went out to give him some batting practice.

You would think that batting practice is just light-hearted bonding time, right? No, it’s total competitive craziness when it comes to Mikey. And for some reason, I oblige it.

Here’s how it all starts…

We have a bucket of wiffle balls in the house for days like this. But as usual lately, Mikey shakes off the wiffle balls, opting instead for the one tennis ball left in the house, because the tennis ball flies further (and to my vigilant concern, hits harder) than those wiffle balls. In addition to that, he carries out a plastic bat, the one with the least cracks in it. I am grateful that at least I don’t have to talk him out of his regular bat today.

The weather is warm, breezy, and welcoming to us as we head out to the field behind our house with Mikey taking practice swings every few steps as we go.

There are always a lot of directions when playing with Mikey, so once we’re in the field, these start immediately. He points out exactly where my pitcher’s mound is supposed to be, and takes up his home plate batting stance under the soccer goal. He says something about a green patch, but I miss it in the breeze, and the directives are piling on.

“Pitch it right here. Low and away!” he bellows.

I pitch it higher than that and he swings and misses.

Mawhm!”

“Hey, hey… you gotta give me time to warm up!”

He throws the ball back to me with an angry frown. It bounces off my nail, which thankfully doesn’t break. I retrieve it. The pressure is on.

I know Mikey is relentless about these self-inflicted challenges and worry about who will make dinner that night, or breakfast the next morning.

The second pitch is lowish and awayish and he wallops it a fair distance.

“Good hit,” I tell him as I jog to retrieve the ball. I love this; like a puppy I run happily after the balls and rack up Fitbit steps in the process. Fitbitting is my new sport to match my new job as kid chauffeur.

“It’s okay. Not good,” he shouts discerningly at my choice of words. This reminds me of the time we stopped by Menard’s to pick up something before one of his baseball games. An employee kindly tried to give him some encouragement for the game, saying, “Go get a home run tonight, buddy!” Mikey corrected that kind of wishful talk, “Nah, I’m more of a line-drive hitter.”

I line up to pitch again. I am a little further away from our makeshift home base than last pitch because I am really unsure of my nail’s ability to withstand a line drive anywhere near me. Of course he notices this.

“Move up! That’s not the pitcher’s mound!” It’s all grass, mind you.

“It’s close enough!”

“No, one step more. C’mon, one step! C’mon Mom you can do it! Not a baby step, a real step!”

I pitch another decent one, which he hits very high and far.

“Home run!” I cheer.

“It’s pretty good,” he shouts as he runs the imaginary bases while I jog after the ball.

When we line up again he announces, “We will play until someone hits the ball past the green patch!”

I turn to look behind me. “That green patch?” There was a very clear lime-green patch on the farthest side of the field, looking like the food-coloring-dyed site of a Gatorade dump.

“Yes! That one!”

“But that’s so far! We’re not gonna make a hit that far.” I know Mikey is relentless about these self-inflicted challenges and worry about who will make dinner that night, or breakfast the next morning, while we are out there trying to hit past the green patch.

But Mikey just smiles at me slyly. “You’ll have to pitch good, Mom. Now, low and away, let’s go!”

I mistakenly think that means we’re going to go in for water soon but it just means we have a forever-inning on our hands.

I pitch low and away but he checks his swing.

“What happened?” I say, not wanting any missed opportunities to reach the green patch.

“Not good enough,” he replies. “I had to check my swing. After all, my nickname is Check Swing.”

“Oh really? I thought it was Wrong Jersey?” This is what he had told me yesterday when I sent him to a game in the wrong color jersey.

“Nah I just said that so you’d feel bad for telling me the wrong color. Now c’mon, pitch!”

I keep pitching. He has some big hits, I get some more Fitbit steps in, and then he decides to really put the pressure on by saying it’s the last inning and someone needs to get a hit past the green patch to win. I mistakenly think that means we’re going to go in for water soon but it just means we have a forever-inning on our hands. There are a lot of supposed foul tips.

“Want to just take a break and get a bottle of water then come back out?” I try.

“No! We’re playing until we get past the green patch. Focus! Low and away.”

I pitch again and he hits it high to right field. He runs fast to his first base grass patch. “See? That was a good pitch, Mom! You can do it!”

I think about how that was the same pitch he thought was unsatisfactory an hour (two hours? I have no idea at this point) earlier. I also think about how, when I used to play soccer or baseball or tennis—volleying against him, back before it made sense to just be a full-time pitcher—he would always rack up the points and then right before winning, make a million mistakes and allow me to rack up the points equaling his. Then we had to battle for the last point. It was exciting. And exhausting.

“Now I want a perfect pitch, Mom!”

I deliver.

He gets all of his 10-year-old force behind the swing that connects head on to the perfectly-pitched low and away ball that, in an instant, sails high above us, high over the field we’ve now traversed in a thousand trajectories, and lands, miraculously, on the green patch!

“Not good enough!” Gaping, I turn back to hear him say, “Needs to go past the green patch.”

He does have an amazing grin on his face.

So let’s get back to that Haiku contest. Who won? I’ll let you be the judge, but in Mikey fashion I will say I had a lot of distractions while I was trying to write and I want a rematch.

Mom’s Haiku:
Rain falling outside
My window at night is like
Mirror of starlight

Mikey’s Haiku:
Dark and gloomy day
Arose with quite a bang then
Pound it hit the ground

At least I can say we both won batting practice.




Source link