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Fake News

A Healthy Guide for Dealing With Loneliness

I watched a really unique documentary about nature and wildlife the other evening. A young woman and two men were hiking through the woods in order to conduct a scientific study of the plants and animals that inhabited the area, but then they suddenly got lost. Things began to get a little bit strange after that. Instead of trying to find their way back home, they all took their clothes off.

A few moments later, the woman was vigorously bouncing up and down on top of one of the men while the other man’s penis was in her mouth. I couldn’t understand why this was happening because they had not only failed to complete their scientific analysis of the local wildlife, but they were also lost. So, why were they doing these things to each other without any clothes on?

As I was asking myself these questions, the man suddenly pulled his penis out of the woman’s mouth, and he peed all over her face. I thought that was rather rude of him, but she seemed to really enjoy it. After that, the other man got up off the ground, and he peed on her face, too. It was truly a bizarre documentary.

Anyway, this article isn’t about that. This is just a simple list of things you should and should not do when you feel lonely.

1. Acknowledge your loneliness, and then do something about it.

After years of being sarcastic and making fun of people who use online dating sites, I finally have to confess that I am lonely. Behind the sarcasm and the humor, I am actually a very lonely man who really just wants a special woman to show up in my life.

Over time, I have come to understand that there are two main components of loneliness. One is that nobody is showing you love or affection, which tends to make life rather cold, bitter, and cruel. The other is that you are not showing love or affection for another person. Yes, that’s right! A big part of loneliness is simply the fact that you are not giving your love and your companionship to someone else. As human beings, we need to love and to be loved.

I have finally matured enough as an individual to understand this, and I have also finally gained the inner strength to admit that I am lonely and that I need love. The problem is that I never do anything about it. I never socialize outside of work; I never join dating sites; I never go anywhere on weekends; and whenever I’m not drinking alone and listening to sappy 80’s love music, I spend hours looking at my own dick while wondering if it’s dead or not before I end up writing comedy articles like this one.

Don’t be like me, and don’t make the same mistake I’m making. If you’re lonely and in need of companionship, then go out there and find somebody.

Just remember, of course, that if you get your heart broken, you will be emotionally crippled for the rest of your life after tremendous amounts of pain and sadness break your spirit and crush your soul completely. I’m not saying that you should be afraid of getting your heart broken. I’m just saying that you will never heal properly and that you will spend the rest of your years on this Earth as a sad, depressed, pathetic, sorrow-filled, drooling mess if it does happen. That’s all.

2. Pick up video games as a hobby.

Video games are an excellent way to get your mind off of the fact that you feel lonely. If true love doesn’t seem to be knocking on your door these days, then maybe all you need is a hobby.

One of my hobbies involves going to the gym, lifting weights, staring euphorically at beautiful women I don’t have a chance with, waiting for one of them to say “Hi” to me, and then crying myself to sleep when I get home. I don’t recommend that. Video games are a much better option.

Find a game you really enjoy, and let yourself become absorbed with it. I fully intend to do that someday, but I usually become lazy and end up watching somebody else play a video game on YouTube. I do that on nights when I’m not crying myself to sleep.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re probably thinking that the author of this article is embarrassingly lame, hopeless, and pathetic in every single way. That’s simply not true. I have a very active life. When I’m not crying myself to sleep or watching other people play video games on YouTube, I walk my dog around the neighborhood so that she can take a shit in somebody else’s yard.

3. Write about your feelings.

If you feel lonely, then find a way to express your feelings rather than keeping them pent up inside. Writing is a very effective way to achieve this. It’s also better than masturbating all over yourself in the shower, cleaning yourself off, looking in the mirror for a while, and then wondering why nobody wants to be with you.

Just take some time away from your normal, daily routine, and write down everything you have experienced in life when it comes to true love and companionship.

When you run out of material halfway through the second sentence, just go back to watching other people play video games on YouTube.

4. Do not watch pornography.

Pornography is unhealthy, and it is also a potential form of addiction. Watching pornographic movies will only leave toxic and unrealistic images in your mind. True love, intimacy, and companionship are not reflected in pornographic images because healthy relationships consist of a lot more than simple, erotic pleasures. Good relationships involve trust, support, cooperation, friendship, warmth, loyalty, balance…and much, much more. When you really consider the good things that true romantic relationships are made of, then pornography doesn’t really seem that sexy at all.

After all, what’s sexy about some perfectly-formed, voluptuous blonde on a beach who slowly pulls her shirt down so that her massive, luscious breasts can spill out of her bra and be fully exposed in the sunlight as ocean waves gently caress her firm and beautiful legs?

And what’s sexy about some woman with long-flowing brunette hair and gorgeous, soul-penetrating eyes who sweetly beckons you over to the couch she’s lying on as she slowly undoes the buttons on the tight, uncomfortable, Sunday dress that has been bothering her all morning and that she simply can’t wait to take off? …With your help?

Behind the illusion of sexiness and seduction, pornography also simply excites animalistic pleasures while attempting to be humorous. But is there really anything funny about a naughty, red-haired, office secretary who accidentally drops her paperwork on the floor, says “oops,” and then bends over right before some sweaty, hairy guy named “Bruno” shows up and rails her from behind with his massive, throbbing, 14.5 inch cock?

And is there anything humorous about “Bruno” proceeding to fuck her silly on top of her desk as her boobs bounce and jiggle all over the place while she screams in delightfully agony…begging him to do it harder and harder?

And do you think…that it is in any way laughable… when “Bruno” pulls himself out of her and tries to shoot a big, steamy load on her stomach but misses and ends up spraying his love juice all over her office paperwork before asking the lame question, “Hey, was I supposed to sign there?”

No, I didn’t think so. I don’t find that type of stuff humorous, either.

5. Enjoy the simple pleasures of life.

Loneliness is just a state of mind. That’s all it is. You have to learn how to master it properly. We all feel lonely sometimes. But the immense feelings of loneliness that rip your heart into pieces every single day can disappear if you distract yourself with the simple pleasures of life such as:

  1. Watching tree branches fall down in your yard.
  2. Looking at your coffee pot every morning and asking yourself, “Why the fuck am I still here?”
  3. Staring blankly at the floor every night while tears pour down your face and land silently on the carpet.
  4. Observing happy couples in love walk down the street while holding hands before they start talking about how pathetic you are.
  5. Running those happy couples over with your truck after they get a few blocks down the road.
  6. Taking enjoyment in documentaries about the exciting growth process of deformed carrots in the Midwest.

6. Keep your hopes up!

There’s somebody out there for you. You’re not going to be alone forever. You’re just going to be alone for a really, really long time as agony and despair repeatedly cause a relentless waterfall of tears to run down your cheeks as you helplessly watch yourself get older and older while realizing that you’ve failed to achieve anything significant in the good years of your life.

This realization will probably occur as you also remember all of the people who rejected you and found somebody who is better-looking and more suitable to their own personal needs.

Do you remember that wedding photo of the person you really liked and who you really wanted to be with? Do you remember just how happy that person looked in somebody else’s arms? That person looked happy because you weren’t there, and because they found somebody better.

7. Don’t become vulnerable to idealistic phrases.

Being lonely puts you in a vulnerable state of mind, and it may even make you susceptible to phrases such as “Don’t live in the past, and don’t live in the future—live in the now.” (The phrase may be true, but anybody who says something like that should be kicked out of your life immediately and then beaten to death with a concrete dildo.)

I hate it when philosophers, high school motivational speakers, prostitutes in Thailand, prison inmates, and people who have made horribly irreversible mistakes in their own lives say cliché, unoriginal, uninspired, pathetic, stupid shit like this… but it’s ultimately true.

Living in the past causes depression over the things you can’t change, and worrying about the future only causes anxiety.

The only thing these imbecilic, fence-jumping, shifty, manic-depressive, small-minded, back-stabbing, asshole jerk-offs have failed to realize is that you can experience anxiety and depression on a daily basis without living in the past or worrying about the future.

You can usually experience both of those emotions by living in the “now” and by dealing with people who say stupid shit like this.

8. Maintain realistic expectations.

I have the same dreams and fantasies that every man has. I want an exotic dancer to show up and sing dreary 80’s love songs to me right before she pushes my face into the kitchen counter, pulls my pants down, rubs her boobs all over me, and spanks me repeatedly with a hair brush while telling me that I’m a bad person.

But I don’t perceive that this will happen anytime soon. If I want love, I may have to settle for the upper middle-aged woman at the gas station with saggy breasts and the oddly-rotating left eyeball who sold me a worthless lottery ticket four weeks ago.

9. In your profound state of weakness, never start helping other people or opening up to them.

Loneliness is a cruel game. It makes you desperate to open up to other people and share feelings with them, but I wouldn’t recommend doing this. If you open up to other people, they will simply use you until they find what they need and what they really want. (They may also simply talk about you behind your back as everybody has a good laugh.)

If you try to share your feelings with people, you will become nothing more than cannon fodder for their own emotional problems. Even if you share your feelings with someone else who is lonely, you’re still expendable. When they don’t need a shoulder to cry on anymore… you will eventually be left in what I personally call “The Pit of Emptiness and Despair.”

Nobody loves you or needs you. If you want love, you’re going to have to drink bottle upon bottle of Whisky before paying for a cheap prostitute who has a disease-infected crotch.

10. Be honest with yourself.

Your attempts to find romantic companionship have failed repeatedly throughout the years. No matter how hard you try, you simply can’t find somebody who wants to love you for who you are. At some point, you have to be honest with yourself and acknowledge the real reason why you can’t find anybody. It’s probably not your intelligence or your educational background, and it’s probably not the way you approach people, either.

It’s probably because of the single thing that has been holding you back your entire life—the one thing that you simply can’t get rid of…

Your face.

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