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Fake News

A Guide To Nonthreatening Celtic Symbols


Recently, Roger Stone was questioned by federal judge Amy Brennan Jackson over a photo of her with a superimposed symbol in the corner that he posted on his own Instagram account. According to Stone, it was a Celtic cross symbol, but Judge Jackson and the mainstream media simply assumed the worst and claimed that the symbol resembled crosshairs.

In order to prevent future misunderstandings, here is a quick guide to Celtic symbols. Dating back to early Christian times, Celtic symbols are full of beauty and meaning. If Judge Jackson had more insight into such symbols, she too would have understood that Roger Stone was doing anything but marking her for death.


Celtic Cross

The symbol that got Roger Stone in trouble, the Celtic cross is a form of the Christian cross that has existed well before high-powered rifle scopes. By placing this symbol in the corner of a picture of anyone, you are essentially saying, “Bless you.” By placing this symbol over someone’s face in a picture, you are essentially saying, “See you in heaven!”

Shamrock

Undoubtedly the symbol that has become most synonymous with Ireland, luck, and limited-edition McDonald’s menu items. Rumor has it that the plant would stand upright to warn of approaching storms, such as the lyrical ones unleashed by rapper Everlast in the 1990s.

Circle With A Line

Another symbol which now has negative connotations, thanks to the Ghostbusters franchise. If you put this on top of a judge’s face in a photo, it could be seen as negative or “cancelling”, though in reality, the line going across represents the sash worn by pageant contestants since time immemorial, symbolizing hope and global dominance through the exploitation of physical beauty.

Claddagh

This symbol shows two hands holding a heart with a crown. If you put this on a picture of a federal judge, you may be saying “I love this judge,” “I am loyal to this judge,” or “This judge and I are tight, yo.” If seen on a food label, this symbol can also designate “heart-healthiness.”

Spiral

This symbol is connected to the sun. Often seen in ancient burial mounds and Celtic schoolchildren’s notebooks, spirals are believed to have mystical powers to prevent evil from entering into the sacred tomb of one who has passed into the Otherworld. In depictions in photographs or other visual art, placing these spirals over someone’s eyes indicate that they are “zooted” and suffering the effects of psychedelic drugs or mesmerism.

Triquetra

This symbol is known as the trinity knot. The Irish believed everything important came in threes. This knot symbolizes such famous trinities as the Father/Son/Holy Spirit, the musical contributions of Led Zeppelin’s John Paul Jones (bass guitar/keyboards/string arrangements), or the most important aspects of real estate (location/location/location).


Hopefully, this guide has provided a better understanding of these innocuous ancient Celtic symbols. So the next time someone accuses you of adding a symbol to their photo in order to insinuate grevous bodily harm (or something equally ludicrous), you can point them to this guide and gently explain what you truly meant.

But seriously, you could always choose to post a pic of any other judge besides the one assigned to your case, you maroon.

 

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