Homepage / Fake News / A Few Predictions for 2018
Petco Employee Stocks Gerbils By The Cash Register For Impulse Purchases Greatest Factor In Employee Retention Boss Sending Out End-Of-Year Note Titled ‘Thanks Team’ List: Excerpts from the Support Group for Teachers Who Have Eaten Elmer’s Glue Supreme Court Will Not Hear Case On Defunding Planned Parenthood Indoctrinate-TED Parking a Giant Robot is Hard Department Of Interior To Control Rising Mole Population By Releasing Mallets Into National Parks Red Cross Issues Reminder They Can’t Accept Donations From People With Loose Blood Cupped In Hands Most Notorious Criminals In U.S. History I Am Urging You to Urge Others to Push for Climate Change Action NRA Clarifies Mission, Changes Name To National Russia Association Innocuous Thing You Did In Public Prompts Inside Joke That Bonds Group Of Teens For Life The Origins Of Popular Christmas Songs Long Lost “A Christmas Carol” Remake Starring Worst Actors Ever Discovered in Storage Facility Kleenex To Release Special Facial Product For Democrats: “Pity Me Tissues” Theresa May Narrowly Manages To Survive Parliamentary Firing Squad New Smithsonian Exhibit Honors Thousands Of Pets Who Joined Workforce After Owners Left To Fight In World War II CNN Opens Up 24-Hour Anonymous Tip Line For Anyone With Synonyms For ‘Mueller Closing In’ Trump Ex-Lawyer Michael Cohen Given 36 Months In Prison Nation Finally Ready To Look At More Sidewalk Drawings That Look Like Big Holes But Are Actually Just Flat My Boyfriend Wants To Go On a "Gaycation" (Love Advice) Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame Rescinds Nomination After Discovering The Cure Was Voted In As Cruel Prank By Popular Kids Warhammer & The Weasleys Donald Trump’s Criterion Top 10 Mortician Always Keeps Hammer At Tableside Just In Case One Comes Back To Life U.S. Military Honors Sacrifices Of NFL Players By Wearing Jerseys Throughout December Theresa May Delays Vote On Brexit Deal System For Telling Clean Clothes From Dirty Falls Apart By Second Day Of Trip Ayatollah Upset Notre Dame Made NCAA Playoff Instead of UCF Jackets to Buy This Winter Instead of Having a Personality “Lawyers, Guns and Money” Playing Repeatedly In West Wing At High Volume U.S. Coal Consumption Drops To Lowest Level In 40 Years ‘Oh, Was I Not Enough For You?’ Amazon Echo Asks Couple Bringing New Baby Home Delta Plane Jettisons Dozens Of Comfort Animals Midflight Following Policy Changes Orrin Hatch Delivers Farewell Address From Coffin Descending Into Plot Dug In Middle Of Senate Floor Pros And Cons Of Seeking Out Uncontacted Peoples Time Awards Person Of The Year To Targeted Journalists Including Jamal Khashoggi Machiavelli’s Job Application Campbell’s Unveils New Tomato Soup Humidifier The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Senator Chuck Grassley Michael Cohen Granted Prison Work Release For New Job With Trump 2020 Campaign Eve of Impeachment: A Song Parody Michael Cohen Completes First Stage Of Intricate Plan To Break Incarcerated Brother Out Of Prison From Inside French President Sarkozy Took Million From Gaddafi, Does a Contribution to Obama Explain Benghazi My Girlfriend Has a Dildo From Her Ex-Boyfriend (Love Advice) New York Family Man Latest Victim Of Nation’s Misguided War On Tax Evasion, Perjury, Campaign Finance Violations Bicoastal Time Zone Lesson‬ The Joy of Painting Advanced Weapons Systems Thousands Of Drunk Revelers Dressed As Jesus Descend On Vatican For Annual ChristCon Pub Crawl Every Person In High-End Singapore Casino Either Carrying Out Or Target Of Assassination Frat Nutritionists Dare Americans To Swallow More Live Goldfish Study Finds Average American Gets Most Physical Exertion Waving Cell Phone Around To Get Signal We Were Young and in Love and it was Nuclear Winter Power Harassment Indifference: Income Inequality for Women Persists 2018 Top 10 Comedic News Stories White House Holiday Decorations Through History Trump Threatens to Hold Breath ‘Until Mueller Goes Away’ Trump Claims Substantial Portions Of The U.S.-Mexico Laser Forcefield Have Already Been Built Jonesing Nation Demands Trump Tell Them Where, Exactly, Drugs Are Pouring Into Country Satanic Statue On Display In Illinois Capitol Building For Holidays Soldier Back Home From Serving At Mexico Border Still Having Nightmares About Being Used As Political Prop How To Spot Red Flags With My Married Dom? (Love Advice) Google Translation for Work-Appropriate Self-Evaluations Local Clan Attempts To Intimidate Rivals With Aggressive Display Of Fertility See Plum Run: Official Music Video Authoritarian Secretary Of Transportation Declares She Has Ultimate Right Of Way In Every Traffic Scenario Bertolli Packaging Promises Empty Ravioli Floating In Filling-Saturated Water In Just 5 Minutes Court Filings Suggest Trump Illegally Directed Hush Money Payments Your Horoscopes — Week Of December 11, 2018 Mosquitos: The Best Support System You Never Knew You Had ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Now Just Hoping George R.R. Martin Dies Soon So Estate Can Release Whatever He’s Already Written Those Sensors That Flush Public Toilets Were Also Cameras This Whole Time John Kelly Resigns In Last-Ditch Effort To Save His And Trump’s Friendship John Kelly Out As Chief Of Staff MLB Hoping To Boost Attendance At League Meetings With ‘Star Wars’ Night 5 Reasons Why the Donner Party was Better Than Your Birthday Party Woman Trying To Wean Self Off Coffee By Switching To Long Island Iced Tea I Tricked My Girlfriend Into Dating Me For a Bet (Love Advice) White House Ficus To Leave For Virginia Arboretum After Declining Trump’s Offer To Be Chief Of Staff A Dirty Cop's Worst Nightmare At Disney, We Live Every Day In Terror That You’ll Turn On Superhero Movies Flakes On A Plain 5G Phones Coming Petting Zoo All Goats 10 Fun Ways to Market a House Without a Garage The Week In Pictures – Week Of December 10, 2018 Nixon’s Waterloo… My American Scandal I Am Not Like All the Rest: Funny Lines from Online Dating Profiles The Trumpanos: A New HBO Series Cap’n Crunch and Tony the Tiger Are Still Fighting About the National Anthem Kneelings and It’s Ruining My Mornings Lame Time Traveler Arrives to Warn Nation Against Electing Trump POTUS Wes Anderson Begins Filming Next Film In France A Funeral Director’s Guide on How Best to Die Dating By Invitation Only GPS Lite: The Navigation System That Doesn’t Know Where You’re Going Must Really Suck Being A Democrat These Days Help! I’m the Cialis Guy and I’m Trapped in an Eli Roth Film Fourth Verse Of Christmas Carol Gets Super Religious Tumblr To Ban All Adult Content The Swimsuit Issue

Fake News

A Few Predictions for 2018


Will Durst, A Few Predictions for 2018

Let us forecast a few of the fabulous events in store for 2018.

Time for a few choice words for the not-so-dearly departed year of 2017. And those words are… “You sucked. Go away. Stay there. Keep it moving odd numbered year. Don’t linger. No dawdling. Forget about sticking around to watch us shudder whenever the sight of something orange triggers a flashback. Bury your shadow in a deep dark cave. Forget it Jake, it’s Chinatown.”

The beginning of January is when America dons its rose-colored glasses and anticipates wondrous possibilities in the future pages of our new calendar. So now let us forecast a few of the fabulous events in store for the next twelve months. You can call them predictions, prognostications or prophecies, but here at Durstco we prefer to think of them as dead solid certain sure things.

In the year 2018:

Kellyanne Conway will top the bestseller lists with a book entitled, “How to Lie Out of Both Sides of Your Two Faces Even When People are Watching.”

In response to another school shooting, the NRA calls for the closing of all schools.

Robert Mueller announces that he has discovered a secret panel in Vice President Mike Pence’s head that is directly controlled by a Siberian bear trainer.

Hillary Clinton, after 18 months of twice-daily therapy sessions, finally allows herself to let it go.

Donald John Trump continues cutting programs for the poor so rich people can have more money. Through a series of tragic financial reversals, the 45th President dies destitute.

Mitch McConnell’s face actually does freeze like that.

The Internet becomes so user-friendly, trend-setting techies find themselves superfluous and go back to being annoying nerds living in their parents’ basements.

In 2018, the airline industry is revolutionized by the introduction of discount tickets that require passengers to pedal.

Disney purchases Fox News and children in Disneyland are treated to character breakfasts with their favorite right wing talk show hosts. Sean Hannity is especially popular as Goofy.

LeBron James is voted the best middle linebacker in the NBA.

A 400-pound fat guy on a couch goes on The View to apologize for hacking the 2016 election. Although expressing sincere regret, Joy Behar still beats him senseless with a chair leg.

The stock price of Purdue Pharma crashes, after it is revealed their new drug to combat PTSD (President Trump Stress Disorder) is simply double strength OxyContin.

After heading in multiple directions, the Democratic Party finally buys a compass and sets it to the polar opposite of Donald Trump, helplessly collapsing in a heap after taking six steps.

After Steve Bannon is dismissed, then rehabilitated in the eyes of Donald Trump 14 separate times, he secures a lucrative sponsorship deal with Duncan Yoyos.

Michael Wolff writes a best selling sequel to “Fire and Fury” called “No, Really, I’m Telling You, He’s Bat Guano Crazy.”

Every single athlete at the 2018 Winter Olympics is disqualified when tests reveal the South Korean snow is laced with sake.

Ivanka Trump polishes her Oval Office bonafides by loop watching Gary Oldman in The Darkest Hour in order to imitate his growl. Jared finds it sexy.

Oprah loses thirty pounds.

In the wake of a D.C. blizzard, all non-essential federal workers are encouraged to stay home and nobody in the White House reports to work. Including The Donald. No one notices.

The following two tabs change content below.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” The Humor Times says “Durst is the Sage of Satire, the Learned Lampooner, the King of Political Satire!” Check his website, willdurst.com, for upcoming stand-up performance dates. Will’s books, including Elect to Laugh! A Hilarious, Common Sense Guide to American Politics are available at Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. From Ulysses Press.



Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish