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Fake News

A Few Changes Re: “End of Year” Which is No Longer the “Holiday Season”


Attention All Staff,

Given that there are numerous holidays to celebrate this month, and some of us will be spending December 25 at a TGI Fridays while their soon to be ex-wife blows the retirement fund they were building together on a trip to Cabo with her personal trainer Sami (thanks for the reminder Joe F.!), we ask that you refrain from using the following words and phrases:

  • Merry Christmas
  • Happy Hanukkah
  • Happy Holidays
  • Happy
  • Tidings of Joy
  • Joy
  • Sparkle Season
  • Good

Thanks to Dan H. in accounting for alerting us to the problematic history of the word “yankee.” Due to his persistent follow ups and dedicated YouTube series we will no longer hold the “Yankee Gift Swap.” As a result, Linda Z., we ask that you find a different candle vendor. Or try something else? Soap, for example, is also one size fits most. (As always, Louann F. we respect your choice to water-only bathe.)

We will not hold a “White Elephant.” Thanks, Sales Liz R. for your thorough PowerPoint confirming that not all elephants identify as “white.” Or as “elephants.”

Note that it’s an item exchange, not a gift exchange. Cindy D. helpfully pointed out in the last all-staff open share that gifts are technically defined as “a thing given willingly to someone without payment.” The Item Exchange is mandatory and failure to participate will result in a $25 debit from your end of year paycheck. Please note: the Item Exchange is not an opportunity for you to rehome your aging pet.

Important reminder on dress code: anyone arriving to work without pants and claiming to be dressed as “Santa’s Elf Vixen” will be immediately directed to HR. For 16 years in a row we’ve had at least one pantsless employee, sometimes as many as 12. This has got to stop. Relatedly, presuming aloud that a colleague is dressed like Vixen is also an immediate matter for HR. Honestly, let’s keep Vixen out of the things this year?

Reminder that the End of Year Convening, formerly known as the Holiday Party, will take place on December 20th and start promptly at 5 PM in the common area on three. As usual, opaque coffee mugs will be removed from all kitchens by 11 AM and the marketing team will be subject to ongoing breathalyzer testing.

We’d like to formally confirm that there will be no pig roast this year. Last year’s was completely unauthorized and burned down the janitor’s closet. It’s possible that we’ll never be able to remove the smell of charred meat from the second floor. Related: all pyrotechnics are forbidden. Do not ignite explosives in office. Why do we need to remind you of this every year? How many fingers do you need to lose George G.?

At no time in the month of December is anyone to use their company credit card at a karaoke bar. For legal reasons we can only say that this is because of the “2017 Dale incident.” Consequently, we can provide no further update on the status of bonuses this year as legal proceedings with GoLaLA Karaoke Group LLC are still pending.

Acknowledging that we’re approaching the end of the year,

The 2018 End of Year Planning Committee

We’re now accepting list submissions! Although we’re contractually prohibited from telling you whether Santa had anything to do with that decision. Join the PIC newsletter for weekly comedy headlines. Save 10% on comedy classes at The Second City using code PIC.

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