I’m just here to try and do a good job, and my daily schedule usually goes something like this.
4:30 AM — Wake up in a cold sweat. The time in my life when I was able to dream of safe, simple black tuxedos is long gone.
5:45 AM — Conduct a cursory search on Twitter to make sure that none of the other bold fashion choices of the week will outshine my client. What’s that? Chris Pine wore a cream-colored turtleneck tucked into high-waisted maroon trousers on the red carpet for Minions 5: Tokyo Drift? Whatever. LaKeith Stanfield wore his t-shirt like a hat instead of actually over his torso for the entirety of his appearance on Fallon? Child’s play.
7:00 AM — Go for a truly anxious run on the water to try and release some of my nervous energy. I usually spend this time wondering if I should grab some fresh seaweed or like, a discarded tire, in case Timmy wants to try out a bold new accessory.
9:00 AM — Cut letters out of a magazine for my weekly threatening letter to Lucas Hedges’ stylist. If they even think about pulling a stunt like that 2017 Italian Vogue spread again, it’s on sight. Flowers? Are you kidding me? Timmy-Tim invented florals, and also I’m terrified of him.
10:00 AM — Drink a latte and brainstorm ways to mix up this week’s photoshoots. Maybe I’ll order some motor oil in bulk, in case hair gel “isn’t weird enough.” Again.
11:30 AM — Collect all the press clippings that praise Timøthêè’s most recent looks to present in our afternoon meeting. Examples:
— “Timothée Chalamet’s floral suit literally undid centuries of toxic masculinity, and OMG we are so shook!” —Buzzfeed
— “A sparkly harness for the red carpet? Why didn’t I think of it first!” —Harry Styles, probably
— “Timothée Chalamet debuts his boldest, stupidest look yet” —Us Weekly (Note to self: change it to just read, “Timothée Chalamet debuts his boldest [redacted] look yet”)
— “Take this quiz and we tell you which of Timothée Chalamet’s velvet jackets you are!” —PopSugar
1:00 PM — Reflect on the advice of my therapist to face my fears and conduct some deep breathing exercises. Remember that he’s just one person and I am in control of my own life.
2:00 PM — Hand-steam the garments for our afternoon meeting, including the ironic jorts, statement ski masks, berets, emergency corset (??), gauchos, unlicensed costumes from Party City still in the plastic, that one Balenciaga jacket that has like four hundred layers, and cowboy hats. Make sure the capes are plentiful and that none of them have puckered silk or loose threads. Replace the applique sparkles on jackets as necessary. Crush some fresh flowers onto a white t-shirt, and then burn the evidence.
3:00 PM — Afternoon meeting with everyone’s favorite! Time for Timotay!
4:00 PM — Hop on indeed.com and take a cursory glance.
5:15 PM — Cry, briefly.
5:16 PM — Take a lengthy shower and reflect on the notes from the afternoon’s meeting. Brainstorm and prepare for
the fresh hell and all it entails daily ebb and flow of this highly envied job to repeat itself again tomorrow! Please help me. This is a cry for help. I was hired for this job as a creative person, but I don’t know what else to do. I’m running out of ideas and it’ll be over for me when I do?
6:00 PM — Well, that’s just about it! The old nine to five, as they say. Just another day in the life.