Homepage / Fake News / A Day in the Life of a Maroon 5 Member Who is Not Adam Levine
Airport Only Place In Metro Area To Buy City’s Signature Food Racine Legion To Select Second Overall In NFL Draft Using Pick Acquired In 1923 Taco Bell Seeking to Attract Workers with New Benefit Browns Draft First Overall Out Of Habit ‘If You Cross Me I Will End You,’ Goodell Whispers Into Ear Of Every Draft Pick Jon Gruden Rips Up List Of Top Prospects And Drafts From The Heart List: Having Never Seen a Marvel Movie, We Predict the End of “Avengers: Endgame” Easy-Going Mel Kiper Predicts Teams Will Do Whatever They Feel Is Right And We Shouldn’t Judge Them CDC Warns Once-Eradicated Jitterbug Spreading Across Country At Rate Not Seen Since 1940s Tesla Posts Massive First Quarter Loss After Self-Driving Car Absconds With $702 Million in Cash Man Always Sleeps With Bat Beside Bed Just In Case Any Major League Pitchers Try To Break In Samsung Recalls All Galaxy Fold Phones After Cracked Screens Sanders Supporters Viciously Attack Bernie Sanders After He Criticizes Mistakes Of 2016 Sanders Campaign What Is the Coolest Way to Quit Your Job? Judging Late Night Hosts Based on if They’d Be a Good Replacement for Your Father, Now That He’s Passed Away Weird Birthday Boy Blowing Out Candles Wishes John Hickenlooper Wins Democratic Primary Winter Is Shortcoming I Will Personally Destroy The Chances Of Any 2020 Candidate Who Doesn’t Get Their Picture Taken Eating At Culver’s FDA Approves First Device To Treat ADHD In Children How Brexit Uncertainty Is Affecting UK Residents Hair Loss Got You Down? Try The Mountain Hermit Cure What Is the ‘AI Agenda,’ Who’s Pushing It and Why? The Report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation By the Company He Keeps If You Can’t Stand the Heat… Get Out of the White House Diplomatic Pete Buttigieg Quickly Changes Subject From Politics At Town Hall To Avoid Arguments ‘Junk Food’ is Fake News, Say Trump Lobbyists Democrats Call For Trump Impeachment Do-It-Yourself Health Care – Yes, It Has Come to That John Boehner Beheads Juarez Cartel Member Who Dared Muscle In On His Legal Weed Turf Megan and the Queen at Odds Retired Marshawn Lynch Goes Into Yeast Mode While Baking Self-Conscious Man Clearly The Only One In Japanese Restaurant Unsure How To Use Water Glass Pros And Cons Of Sanctuary Cities Burning (Alive) on the Dance Floor Environmentalists Warn Swedish Fish Population Being Decimated By Great Pacific Sour Patch Public Bathrooms I’m Not Like Other Tourists Woman Could Listen To British Guy Scream For Help All Day List: How I Snowplowed My Utterly Unmagical Child’s Way into the Most Prestigious School of Witchcraft and Wizardry CIA Finds Definitive Evidence Of Second Shooter In JFK Assassination Herman Cain Withdraws From Fed Consideration Dedicated Russell Westbrook Stays Late After Practice To Miss 100 Extra Shots Pete Buttigieg Releases Comprehensive List Of Fun Personality Quirks To Include In Articles About Him Trump Sues House Democrat To Block Release Of Tax Returns Horrified Authorities Discover One-Day-Old Funnel Cake Abandoned In Dumpster Jared Kushner Claims That Russian Interference Less Damaging To U.S. Democracy Than Saudi Arabia, Nepotism, Israel, Cambridge Analytica, UAE, Illicit Donations, Erik Prince, Bill Barr, And Financial Entanglements Boss Encourages Employees To Take Short Mental Breakdowns For Every Hour Of Work Stop Asking Women To Talk About Being Women Town Hall Audience Gives Amy Klobuchar Standing Ovation As She Lifts Chris Cuomo Up By Throat Laundering Instructions For Your $148 Anthropologie Romper Man Wearing Cobra Command Shirt Missed The Whole Point Of ‘G.I. Joe’ Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 23, 2019 Random Uncle’s Wife Crying A Bunch Throughout Grandma’s Funeral List: Failed Restaurant Chains of Famous Artists Baby T. Rex Fossil Selling On eBay Unclear If Store Called ‘Casa Spazio’ Sells Leather Sofas Or Pizzas Elizabeth Holmes Proves Women Are Just as Good at Committing Fraud as the Guys 5 Things To Know About ‘Avengers: Endgame’ Glossary Of Terms Depressed Gallup Director Issues Poll Asking Whether Anyone Would Care Whether He Lives Or Dies 9-Foot-Tall Bernie Sanders Greets Supporters After Session With Posture Coach Border Patrol Authorities, Militia In Tense Standoff Over Claim To Detain Migrant Family They Caught At Same Time Line Item On Aetna Insurance Bill Just ‘Paying For CEO’s Yacht’ Senate Considering Bill To Raise Smoking Age To 21 “SNL” Alums Remember the Awkward Encounters with Lorne Michaels That Got Them Hired! Panicked Man Completely Out Of Things To Talk About 5 Minutes Into Marriage A Disturbance in HR Emmanuel Macron Not Sure How To Tell Billionaires Notre Dame Repair Only Costs $200 Alfred Aquino II on the Skateboarder Who Comped Justin Bieber The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 22, 2019 List: My Response to Your Big Work News: A Guide Computer Scientists Say AI’s Underdeveloped Ethics Have Yet To Move Beyond Libertarian Phase Woman Jealous Of Horse’s Eyelashes The Syllabus to Paul Ryan’s Notre Dame Political Science Class Zombie Jesus Stabbed Through the Face, Decapitated Quiz: Which New Testament Snack Is Your Ultimate Boyfriend? The Harrowing Tale of Going 52 Hours Without a Phone The Game Where Two People Are Secretly Stoned [Full Episode] Alright Fellas, We’re Doing It: We’re Robbing This Bank 84% Support Marijuana Legalization An Alien’s Guide to Caring for Human Babies ‘The Onion’ Endorses Legal Marijuana Peeps Unveils New Boneless, Skinless Marshmallow Breasts China Discontinues State Surveillance Program After Finally Finding Guy Who Drove Into Xi Jinping’s Mailbox Venmo Rolls Out Feature Allowing Users To Send Goons To Collect Payment Tips For Taking Care Of Houseplants Mueller Report Released Unemployed Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Announce Plans To Give Baby Up For Adoption A 420 Visit from The Weed Man Biggest Revelations From The Mueller Report Let Me Feign Confidence for this Networking Luau Defiant Sarah Huckabee Sanders Claims She Doesn’t Know Where Voice Comes From When She Opens Mouth There Are No Dinosaurs In Alien (Tournament of Champions, Pt 3) Nation Spooked After Running Into Creepy Old Night Watchman Tracking Trump Administration Turnover French President Pledges To Rebuild Notre Dame In 5 Years List: Classic Song Titles Re-Imagined at This Tech-Heavy, Millennial-Targeted, Social-First Advertising Agency Stephen Miller Palms ICE Agent $50 Bill In Exchange For A Little Alone Time With Detained Migrants Erotica by a Woman Pretending to Be a Man Who is Pretending to Be a Woman

Fake News

A Day in the Life of a Maroon 5 Member Who is Not Adam Levine

It’s a busy time for international sensation Maroon 5. They’re slated to perform at this year’s Super Bowl, where millions of eyes will be watching. With all the buzz surrounding this upcoming performance, we tried to sit down with Adam Levine to see what a day is like in preparation for the big game. Of course Levine was too busy so we had to settle for one of the other members of the band. What follows is a day with Matt (or was it James?):

6:30 AM: Receive a Wake Up Call and prepare a hearty breakfast of toast on Makes Me Wonder™ bread.

7:00 AM: Adam calls and says that the band will be rehearsing for the halftime show at 11 AM in Hollywood. Adam has already been up for four hours during which he’s completed a triathlon, won two seasons of The Voice and shot a commercial for Beats headphones.

7:43 AM: Get dressed. Try not to look too audacious as that would take away attention from Adam.

7:46 AM: Remind yourself that your name is Jesse… or so that’s what Adam told you. Maybe your name is Mickey? Nah Jesse sounds right.

8:02 AM: Silently contemplate to yourself as to why the band is called Maroon 5 when there are seven members.

8:17 AM: Another call from Adam. He’s on his houseboat off the coast of the Caribbean and tells you he has something important to talk about at rehearsal. You briefly wonder how he’s going to get to LA in less than three hours, but that thought quickly dissipates from your mind.

8:49 AM: You mess around with the instrument you play (I want to say it was a keyboard? A bass maybe?) to prepare for the rehearsal. Yeah that sounds good. Keep hitting those three chords.

9:01 AM: A call from Jesse. Wait aren’t you Jesse? You must be PJ then. Yeah I think Adam called you that once. He wants to know if you’re doing anything before rehearsal. You aren’t.

9:22 AM: Another member of Maroon 5 shows up at your door. Probably the one you just spoke to on the phone. You’re not sure who he is, but he’s definitely not Adam. You hang out until rehearsal.

11:00 AM: Arrive at the rehearsal venue with the rest of the band who is not Adam. Your manager tells you and the other members of the band that Adam is running late because he’s shooting a season of a new show he’s just created called The Voiceless. It’s a singing competition where all of the contestants are mute. Adam will not be showing up for at least four more hours.

11:48 AM: Look over at one of the other band members (Sam?) and briefly ponder if you are actually him. You think you may be.

12:15 PM: You and the other band members riff on your instruments. You create what many would consider a very good song, but because Adam wasn’t involved it can’t be released.

1:01 PM: Remind yourself to breathe, Adam might be here soon.

1:30 PM: Lunch time. You doze off for a little bit and have a dream where you’re the lead singer of an incredibly famous pop band. After realizing you could never be the lead singer of a band in a world where Adam Levine exists, you wake up in a cold sweat.

1:31 PM: Remind yourself that your name is Mickey. Shit… was it?

2:00 PM: Still waiting for Adam. But that’s okay, you don’t have anything better to do.

2:49 PM: Cardi B shows up for rehearsal. Adam told her it would be at 3 and she’s early as always. She introduces herself to you despite the fact that you’ve met several times.

3:16 PM: Adam shows up at rehearsal and says he has to make it quick as his supermodel wife is expecting him back at the houseboat by 5.

3:17 PM: Rehearsal begins. Adam tells all members of Maroon 5 who are not Cardi B to get off of the stage and the two proceed to rehearse for an hour and a half.

4:47 PM: Adam remembers what he wanted to discuss with the rest of the band. He suggests changing the name of the band from Maroon 5 to “Adam Levine and the Boyz.” When put to a vote, Adam loses 6-1. Regardless, the band is renamed Adam Levine and the Boyz.

4:52 PM: The band reconvenes on stage and plays their famous hit “This Love.” Immediately after completing one abbreviated run through of the song, Adam says that they’re ready for the Super Bowl.

4:53 PM: Adam leaves for his houseboat.

4:54 PM: The band receives a call from Adam’s houseboat. For a moment you consider asking how he got there so quickly, but then recall that you’re not allowed to ask questions. Adam wants to discuss changing the band name yet again, but this time to “Levine on Me.”

5:01 PM: You head home wondering if kids these days will understand that the new band name references a song from 47 years ago.

5:03 PM: Remind yourself that your name is PJ… no it was totally Sam.

5:07 PM: You think about calling Adam with a new band name: “Maroon 7.”

5:08 PM: Realize that speaking up could be a terrible idea and pretend it didn’t happen.

5:48 PM: You post a photo of the rehearsal to Instagram. It gets 12 likes.

5:56 PM: Adam calls to tell you to take the photo down because he’s not it in. He doesn’t want it to be public knowledge that he can turn invisible at will.

6:02 PM: You scroll through Instagram and see that Adam has reposted your photo with him Photoshopped in. You’re impressed with his Photoshop skills seeing as he used a picture of himself shirtless on a beach. The picture gets 40 million likes.

6:19 PM: Your mom calls to check in on how rehearsal has been going. When she hangs up she calls you Mickey even though you swore your name was Jesse. You don’t mention anything because she must be right.

6:44 PM: You make yourself some dinner and throw on your favorite TV show, Access Hollywood. It’s reported that Adam is currently in Barbados working on another collaboration with Rihanna. You wonder what Rihanna thinks your name is.

6:45 PM: Contemplate why you gave up medical school for this career path.

6:46 PM: Check your bank account, yep that’s why you gave up medical school.

7:08 PM: You get a text from your manager—Adam wants to Skype with the band later.

8:00 PM: Flip the channel to NBC for a new episode of The Voice. Adam is somehow in all four judge’s chairs.

8:20 PM: Incoming Skype from Adam. You glance back at the TV to see that The Voice is currently live and a fifth Adam is hosting the show.

8:21 PM: You accept the Skype and notice that the Adam on the other line is not presently engaged in a live taping of a singing competition. You think about asking what’s going on, but that would be out of line.

8:46 PM: After a lengthy recounting of his day and how awesome he is, Adam finally gets to the point of this Skype meeting. He has a new name for the band: “Adam Levine Presents Maroon 5 Featuring The Incomparable Adam Levine.” There will be two more members added to the band. They are both Adam Levines.

8:54 PM: It takes you a few minutes to process this news. Another one of your band members (possibly Matt, but you’re still not sure) asks why the band will be called Maroon 5 if there are now 9 members. He is promptly replaced by another Adam Levine.

9:00 PM: The meeting ends just as The Voice is wrapping up. Adam crowns another Adam the winner of season 89.

9:07 PM: You wonder if you were actually the one who made the comment about the band name and have been replaced by an Adam Levine. You’re not sure.

9:09 PM: Yes, you’re definitely PJ, and you didn’t make that comment.

9:37 PM: You reflect on your day and how you’re not Adam Levine, but that’s alright because it’s hard to be perfect.

9:45 PM: Still thinking about Adam.

9:47 PM: Adam calls. He tells you to stop thinking about him.

9:48 PM: You’re not sure what to do with yourself anymore today so you decide to go to bed.

10:00 PM: You begin to question your existence outside of the band, but slowly drift to sleep before you think too hard about it.

Catch Adam Levine Presents Maroon 5 Featuring The Incomparable Adam Levine at the Super Bowl LIII halftime show!

Join upcoming comedy writing, improv, & sketch classes at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.

Check out events at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC March 22-24.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.