Homepage / Fake News / A Complaint Letter to the Cherry Tree Lane Homeowners Association by Samuel Suksiri
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Fake News

A Complaint Letter to the Cherry Tree Lane Homeowners Association by Samuel Suksiri



Dear Sirs,

It’s me again, Reginald Dalby of number 13 Cherry Tree Lane. Sorry to write you so often, but since moving here I’ve found it to be a most peculiar neighborhood unlike any in London. My thorough examination of the HOA guide yields little insight into the peculiarities I’ve written you regarding nannies blowing through my yard and a contingent of chimney sweeps dancing about my roof. Also, there seems to be woman flying to and from number 17 Cherry Tree Lane by means of an umbrella. I mean, the first time I saw it happen I thought, “Wow! That is magical and so wonderfully done!” But I saw it happen again more recently, and while it was neat, I found myself pondering, “did that need to happen again?”

Anyways, I am now writing to voice my complaint regarding the habitual nuisance of my neighbor, a one Admiral Horatio Boom of number 15 Cherry Tree Lane. Let me first say that I do not wish to cause any undue fuss and hope we may settle this matter promptly and discretely. As an Englishman in 1910, I strive to extend grace to my fellow Englishman and I have the utmost respect for the Admiral’s service to King and country. That said, I had some understanding when I settled down on Cherry Tree Lane that I should be the lord of my castle; the sovereign, the liege. And yet now I find myself daily under siege!

Say nothing of the fact that the Admiral has erected a mainsail and bowsprit atop his home (a modification which, as you know, violates section 4, article 8 of the HOA guide), but I cannot be the only one to be disturbed by Admiral Boom’s hourly ritual of firing a twenty-pound cannon off the roof of his home. Each hour finds myself and my servants bracing the walls, securing cupboards of priceless china, and waiting in dreaded anticipation of the Admiral’s cannon. And each and every hour, the thunderous shock shakes my house to its foundations; the chandeliers flail about, the furniture slides across the floor, and the antique mirror my father brought back from the colonies sways about madly, threatening to fall off the wall.

A builder recently inspected my home and informed me the damage to the structure and foundation are beyond repair. I am resigned to completely rebuild my beloved castle (pending HOA approval) but do not wish to do so until the matter of the Admiral and his cannon are resolved.

I should also note that the Admiral is not firing blanks. And as my home is directly across the street from his, cannon fire has done a great deal of noticeable damage to the upper floors of my home. Indeed, I have lost five or six children to cannonballs blasting through the nursery.

Yours respectfully,

Reginald Dalby, Esq.

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