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Fake News

9 Christmas Movies for the Whole Family (Updated to Reflect the Latest Hollywood Scandals)

This Christmas, light the yule log, gather the family together, and indulge in your favorite holiday pastime. Here’s are nine movies perfect for the whole family!

(NOTE: This list has been updated to reflect all the latest Hollywood scandals.)

9. Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

Everyone’s favorite blond moppet returns for another adventure, this time moving from his suburban home into the biggest city in America. Watch Macauley Culkin evade the criminals, run wild in a luxury hotel, and forge a heart-warming friendship with a pigeon lady. This is a near-perfect family film.

(NOTE: Actually, with the cameo of divisive politician Donald Trump, as well as the supporting turn of vaccination-denier Rob Schneider, it might be best to avoid this one. Otherwise, you’ll have to pause the movie for some unfortunate color commentary from your elderly grandfather.)

8. White Christmas

The 1954 musical comedy that has charmed generations is a perfect way to bond with your family. Not only are the songs joyous and catchy, but the all-American messages will provide some powerful lessons to the little ones in the audience.

(NOTE: Bing Crosby allegedly beat his adopted children with whips. So, maybe avoid this one, too.)

7. A Charlie Brown Christmas

This half-hour animated special is a clear favorite for TV viewers of all ages. Charlie Brown and his gang of adorable friends learn the true meaning of Christmas during a series of funny and touching moments.

(NOTE: Thanks to an explosive new tell-all, we now know that Snoopy was emotionally abusive to Woodstock, forcing the much-smaller animal to watch him engage in various sexual situations atop his iconic doghouse. Also, Schroeder couldn’t really play the piano.)

6. It’s a Wonderful Life

Who doesn’t love this black and white classic? Jimmy Stewart learns to appreciate his own life thanks to an angel with some very special powers. Every time a bell rings, you just have to think of this wonderful holiday film.

(NOTE: Studio documents were unsealed last month, alleging that upon completion of the iconic crowd scene that ends the film, the entire cast and crew engaged in a Bacchanalian orgy of almost ludicrous proportions.)

5. Scrooged

A Christmas Carol gets a riotous modern update in this 80’s comedy that spotlights Bill Murray at his very best. While a slightly raunchier entry on this list, it’s never offensive, and most of the more adult jokes will simply sail over children’s heads. Try it out for some Christmas morning belly-laughs!

(NOTE: Following last week’s bombshell revelation that Bill Murray participated in dolphin poaching while on the set of 2003’s Lost in Translation, many film fans have started distancing themselves from the comedian’s work. Also, Buster Poindexter accidentally drove over an extra while playing the cabbie.)

4. The Santa Clause

Tim Allen stars in this hilarious holiday romp about a workaholic who stumbles into the role of Santa Claus. Not only does the film offer a positive message, but it captures the true spirit of the Christmas season.

(NOTE: One of the elf child actors was actually a 40-year-old Eastern European woman, ala 2009’s Orphan. Other than that, this movie is okay. And Tim Allen has said absolutely nothing offensive or controversial since his 1981 release from prison.)

3. How the Grinch Stole Christmas

Dr. Seuss’s kid-lit classic is given the lavish, big screen treatment in this 2000 film directed by Ron Howard. Who can’t deny the charms of this beloved comedian learning the meaning of Christmas from a town full of adorable characters?

(NOTE: In light of Jim Carrey’s alleged ties to the yakuza, as well as the obviously anti-Semitic diatribes from canine-actor-turned-blogger Muffins, maybe stick to the animated Grinch movie instead.)

(ADDITIONAL NOTE: Actually, ink-and-painters on the animated version recently admitted to pagan animal sacrifices during the cartoon’s production.)

2. Jack Frost

This wonderful family fable follows an absentee dad (Michael Keaton) who magically transforms into a whimsical snowman so he can finally spend his Christmas reconnecting with his teenage son. This is a lovely film with enough heart-warming moments to melt away any winter grumpiness.

(NOTE: In a recent New York Times exposé, producer Saul Lebowitz revealed that the animatronic snowman puppet was responsible for a series of orphanage fires in the mid- to late-90’s.)

1. The Cosby Show Holiday Special

The very best way to celebrate the wholesome holiday season is to watch the exploits of America’s favorite dad, especially as he struggles to get his daughters to fall asleep in time for Santa’s arrival.

(NOTE: I give up.)

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