Homepage / Fake News / 83% Of Player Pianos Set Off By Gunfight
National Fraternity Conference Chooses Least MILF-ish Celebrities Canada Starts Legal Marijuana Sales Elizabeth Warren Refuses To Withdraw Candidacy and Announces Presidential Bid How To Charge Your Phone Faster Sprinter Feels Like An Idiot After Finding Out About Jogging Thom Yorke Admits Vast Majority Of Musical Output Fueled By Constant Fear Of Being One-Upped By Coldplay Lottery Ticket Holder Has Already Spent $900 Million In Anticipation Of Winning Big Prize Why Candy Corn Is the Best Halloween Candy, Hands Down Judge Denies Manafort Request To Wear Suit In Court Embarrassed CDC Announces It Accidentally Switched Flu Shots With HIV The Midterm Intervention | HumorFeed A Book Review Of Madeleine Albright’s ‘Fascism: A Warning’ Yankee Candle Clarifies That Product Only Intended To Be Dripped On Balls C-3PO's Origins & HP Lovecraft | Um Actually AC/DC’s next release to be a concept album based on The Krankies I Lost 80 Pounds Just by Exorcising the Demon That was Inhabiting My Body Finding A Great Woman Online: Is It Possible? New Ted Cruz Attack Ad Declares Beto O’Rourke Too Good For Texas Spot Where Dog Vomit Cleaned Up Now Noticeably Cleaner Than Surrounding Floor Is Sen. Warren Featured In The Pocahontas Exhibit At The National Museum Of The American Indian? Viewer Discretion Advised President Implicates Mysterious 400 Pound Man In Journalist’s Disappearance The 4 Disgusting People Who Led Me To Abandon The Priesthood After My Hand Touched Their Tongue While Feeding Them A Communion Wafer Sears Files For Bankruptcy Texas Rangers Asking Taxpayers To Cover 60% Of Bribes Related To New Stadium The Onion’s Guide To Blockchain Technology Elizabeth Warren Releases DNA Test On Native American Ancestry The Midterm Intervention – Will Durst, Humor Times Authorities Say Blacklight Analysis Shows Velvet Poster Of Mushroom Kingdom Looking Even Cooler Than Previously Imagined Melania Trump’s Plane Forced To Make Emergency Landing After Smoke Begins Billowing Out Of First Lady Front-Porch Politics: Everyone Wants Populist Reforms All The Good Sentiments On ‘Get Well Soon’ Card Already Taken Why 'Rings' Has the Dumbest Horror Movie Ending Ever Financial Experts Recommend Young Grifters Start Laying Groundwork For Long Con By 25 Only I Can Insult My Mom House Haunters: HGTV’s New Spooky Halloween Show Homemade DNA Test Proves Trump Boys Are At Least One Jar Blood 5 Party Games For People With Social Anxiety Trump: ‘The Only Way To Find Out What Happened At The Saudi Consulate Is To Send In More Journalists One At A Time’ Dad Apparently Using Spanish Accent To Pronounce Middle Eastern Food Now Arkansas City Posts Bid To Host 2032 Summer Olympic Games Has Your Mother Been Seduced Into Joining a Polygamist Cult? University Suspends All Lightweights From Campus Following Fraternity Hazing Death Saudis Admit Journalist Khashoggi Died During Botched Assassination Attempt Smiley Face Doodled On Check Commemorates Undeniable Chemistry Between Waiter, Ericson Family Tips For Giving A Great Wedding Toast Golden State Raises 2018, 2019, 2020 Championship Banners This Angry Mob Is Never Going To Grow Until We’re More Welcoming To New Members Democratic Candidate Blows Fundraising Lead On Massive 15-Story Lawn Sign ‘The Conners’ Premieres Without Roseanne Barr ‘Roseanne’ Spinoff Showrunner Hopes Big Puddle Of Blood In Kitchen Enough To Explain Main Character’s Disappearance Smitten, Trump Hires Kanye at Lunch Mike Pompeo Impressed By Realism Of Saudis’ Halloween Decorations The Jerry Duncan Show interviews Justice Brett Kavanaugh and Senator Diane Feinstein Melania’s Heart Sinks After Realizing Husband Uses Pet Name ‘Horseface’ For Every Woman He Fucks The 6 Stages of Repressing Your Anger Poll Finds U.S. Global Image Down, Especially Among Allies 8 People On Social Media Who Should Be Considered Criminals State Election Commission Chases Wild Animals Out Of Voting Booths In Preparation For Upcoming Midterms Clash of the Corn Cuties | Fantasy High Gift Ideas to Help Republican Grandparents Bribe Their Grandkids into Not Hating Them for Dooming Humanity Paul Allen To Leave $10,000 To Everyone Who Shares This Post ICE Agent Terrified After Becoming Separated From Team During Immigrant Raid Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 16, 2018 Signs Your Manic Pixie Dream Girl May Be Less Of A “Breakfast At Tiffany’s” And More Of A “Depression Meal At Walmart” Mars Rover Finds Newspaper Warning Of Dire Effects Of Climate Change The Week In Pictures – Week Of October 15, 2018 Washington Supreme Court Strikes Down State’s Death Penalty Grandma Amazed By How Fuckable Grandson Has Gotten Since She Saw Him Last Timeline Of Human Activity In Antarctica Meghan Markle Nervously Looking Over Clinic Pamphlets Weighing Her Options What Elementary School Was Like in Each Decade Elizabeth Warren Disappointed After DNA Test Shows Zero Trace Of Presidential Material Jared Kushner Likely Avoided Income Tax For Years Saudi Arabia Sends Assassins To Dismember Entire International Community In Effort To Stifle Dissent Me, Frankenstein Monster, Am Victim of Angry Mob and Me Blame George Soros Loser Woman Hasn’t Even Inspired One Bar Fight Every Negotiation Scene Ever Cows Trample Dozens Of Lobsters To Death In Escalating Surf ’N’ Turf War Horrified Nurses Discover 40-Pound Baby After Accidentally Leaving It In Incubator Over Weekend Rosie O’Donnell Admits What She Did With Her Tuba “This One Time at Band Camp” All Hallow's Grieve Donner Party Archaeological Study Finds Survivors Preferred White Meat Drawfee Presents CARTOON HELL [First Full Episode] Jack-o’-lantern Designs that Say “We’re Filing for Divorce” Humiliating: When Asked What I Wanted for My Last Meal, I Panicked and Said “Yo-Yo’s” A Sexy Fire Drill | See Plum Run Is There a Subtle Way to Ask if My Book-Club Book Has Cunnilingus in It? Stephen Hawking’s Final Paper Revealed H.P. Lovecraft Reviews His Recent Amazon Purchases by Pat Landers Woman Always Gets Best Ideas While Taking Shower With Two Jacked Dudes Should LeBron James Leave ‘Space Jam 2’ For A Movie With A Better Chance Of Winning An Oscar? Frightened Don Jr. Asks If He Can Sleep In Dad’s Bed After Bad Dream About Being Indicted Panicked Falcons Discover Scratch In Mercedes Benz Stadium This Bitter Couple Tells Us The Secret To A 3-Year, 5-Month, And 2-Week Marriage Sully Sullenberger Realizes It Too Late Now To Let Everyone Know Plane Did All That Stuff On Autopilot Bill And Hillary Clinton Announce Joint Tour Mom Hates Bad Guy In Movie This Bitter Couple Tells Us The Secret To A 3-Year, 5-Month, And 2-Week Marriage Kanye West Jumps On Massage Table To Deliver Speech About Relaxation

Fake News

83% Of Player Pianos Set Off By Gunfight

The report found numerous instances of a player piano starting up the moment a table was flipped and guns were drawn upon the discovery of an ace up the sleeve of a poker player.

AUSTIN, TX—In an investigation of the phenomenon’s tendency to occur during barroom brawls, a report published Thursday concluded that 83 percent of cases in which a player piano spontaneously begins to play were on account of a couple local ruffians went and got themselves into a gunfight.

A team at the University of Texas analyzed data from saloons, watering holes, and brothels across the western frontier and found 428 instances in which, right after some no-good rascal had shot off his Colt .45, a self-playing piano began hammering out a spirited rendition of “Oh! Susanna.” The report stated that the majority of these cases resulted when disputations between two ol’ scoundrels got out of hand, causing guns to be drawn and starting an all-out tussle that darn near wrecked the entire premises.

“Our findings indicate that roughly four out of every five player pianos are set off by a stray bullet, either when a notorious outlaw is finally cornered by a young gun, or when pistols are fired in a bordello following a quarrel over a kindhearted prostitute,” said the report’s lead author, Marina Fuller, noting that in most cases the piano continued to play right up to the moment the sheriff arrived and fired his gun into the air, putting a stop to the whole ruckus. “We also observed quite a few cases in which, as soon as the player piano started up, a grizzled old-timer who had been asleep in the corner jerked awake and began to pick out a rollicking accompaniment on his banjo.”

She added, “Even in cases when a bullet ricocheted off the bar before shattering some unsuspecting fellow’s whiskey glass mid-sip, it usually set off the player piano along the way.”

According to the report, an additional 11 percent of player pianos began playing when some lucky prospector who had just struck it rich got hit over the head with a jug of wine, fell off the second-story balustrade, and landed on the instrument, while another 6 percent started up when a fancy man from back East was thrown down the full length of the bar, smashing into every beer mug along the way and flying headlong into the piano.

Researchers confirmed that in approximately a third of these fights, a bullet went through a huge barrel labeled “XXX,” causing moonshine to pour directly into the mouth of the town drunk, who had staggered in and passed out near the bar. In nearly every instance, the dusty old piano reportedly began to play even faster as the gunfight escalated.

“Interestingly, we noticed these pianos will cease playing immediately—right in the middle of the song—if at any point during the shootout a famed gunslinger rumored to have died steps into the bar and causes the stunned brawlers to stop dead in their tracks,” Fuller said. “Otherwise, these altercations tend to continue until all the furniture in the saloon has been broken over someone’s head and the entire melee has poured out onto the street.”

“These types of scuffles can even spill over into the Women’s Temperance League meeting going on next door, forcing the ladies in attendance to fan themselves and run out of the building,” she continued.

The report stressed that the best way to stay safe during such gunfights is to jump inside a barrel to hide, though it also warned that if a man pokes his head out to see what’s going on, he’s liable to get his hat shot clean off the top of his dang noggin.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.