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Fake News

’80s & ’90s Pop Anthems Updated for 2018



“Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” by Cyndi Lauper

The phone rings in the middle of the night
My father says whatcha gonna do with your life
Oh daddy dear, you know wages stagnated in ‘91
And I don’t have retirement funds
No, I don’t have retirement funds


“No Scrubs” by TLC

No, I already have your number
No, I don’t want to give you mine and
No, I’m tired of protesting you everywhere
No, you’re taking up too much of my time
No, I don’t want no scrubs
A scrub is a guy who can’t get no love from me
Hanging out the congressional side of his private flight
Trying to legislate me


“Jumper” by Third Eye Blind

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
You could find out all about what “debt ceiling” really means
And if you did not want to run for reelection
I would understand


“I’ll Be There For You” by The Rembrandts

So no one told you life was gonna be this way
The country’s a joke, you’re broke
Your hope is MIA
It’s like we’re stuck in a living nightmare
And you haven’t slept in at least a day, a week, a month, or maybe a year?
But I’ll be there for you
When tax rates start to fall
I’ll be there for you
When the economy starts to stall
I’ll be there for you
‘Cause the wealthy should pay tax, too


“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” by U2

I have climbed the entry levels
I have run through the fields
Only to work for you
Only to work for you
I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled this corporate wall
This corporate wall
And only have a BA
But you still say an MBA is what you’re looking for
But you still say an MBA is what you’re looking for


“Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey

Just a small town girl living in a lonely world
She’ll drive your Uber from here to anywhere

Just a city boy moved from suburban Detroit
He’ll drive your Lyft from here to anywhere

Drop you off at a smoky room
The smell of wine and apple Juul
With the app running through the night
Just drive on and on and on and on


“Take On Me” by A-ha

Talking away
I don’t know what’s left to say
I’ll say it anyway
Tariffs won’t work that way, ‘cause costs on
Imports today
Will be just too much to pay

Chinese goods (from Shanghai)
Makeup cars (from Detroit)
Costs might pass
To the consumer


“I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)” by the Proclaimers

When I wake up, well I know I’m going to see
I’m going to see another order for shampoo
When I go out, well I know I’m going to see
I’m going to see more brick-and-mortar closing, too

I would ship 500 miles
And I would ship 500 more
Just to be the online retailer
Who ships directly to your door

Da da da (da da da)
Da da da (da da da)
Da da da dun diddle un diddle un diddle uh da


“Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler

(Turn around)
Every now and then I get a little bit lonely but am so glad for my IUD
(Turn around)
Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to Ivanka’s fake tears
(Turn around)
Every now and then I get a little bit nervous about North Korea’s nukes in the sky
(Turn around)
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified that the global temperature is so high
(Turn around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turn around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart


“Livin’ On a Prayer” by Bon Jovi

Oh, we’re halfway there
Oh-oh, livin’ on a prayer
Take my hand and we’ll make it, I swear
Oh-oh, livin’ on a prayer

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