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Fake News

8 Reasons You Shouldn’t Play God (That Aren’t Some Bullshit About Morality)


We’ve all heard some preachy “spiritual leader” or idiot with a “degree” in “Ethics” saying Man was never meant to do what God did and create life. Reasonable people know that’s dumb as hell, but what many don’t know is there are actually some other very good reasons not to play God:

1. Other Projects – You should probably finish that screenplay first. Seriously, how are you expected to create a whole new race of sentient beings if you can’t even finish a spec script about a con woman (a Tessa Thompson type) trying to scam a billionaire philanthropist (a David Tennant type) only to discover he runs a sex trafficking operation? You haven’t even registered it with the Guild yet!

2. Parenting – Sure, you love the idea of having a kid, but you were also exhausted after babysitting your nephew for the afternoon. Do you really want to be responsible for 600 neurochemically-enhanced assassinoids who will eventually go rogue and enslave humanity?

3. Copyright Issues – I can’t remember if it’s Peter Thiel or Elon Musk, but one of these silicon valley ghouls have already trademarked a prototype for lobotomized clones whose brains can only allow them to perform specific manual labor. They’re not exactly the same as yours, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t gonna take you to court til you run out of money.

4. Squeamishness – Just admit it, you get queasy at the sight of your own blood. It’s pretty apparent to everyone you’re incapable of patching together a Frankenstein’s monster from corpses you dig out of the ground.

5. Professional Jealousy – We’re pretty sure that none of the religions got it right, but just in case they did, you might be facing never-ending torment at the hands of any number of jealous and angry deities: Zeus, YHWH, some sort of all-powerful AI… sounds dumb, until one of them’s whacking your genitalia with a spiked bat for eternity.

6. Originality – The truth is, almost everyone’s tried to play God at some point in their lives. For you, it might be building the perfect cyborg lover, but for others it’s emotionally terrorizing their employees, or pushing their children toward whatever big dreams they failed to live up to. Why not go into a less crowded field?

7. Profitability – Market confidence in any sort of synthesized life forms has been steadily declining since the 70s. Your costs are mostly up front, but seed money is entirely dependent on the 1% who can probably find regular humans willing to be genetically modified in exchange for much less. Hey! Maybe you could just do that?

8. Buttholes – Someone’s gotta make ‘em and attach ‘em to every single body. You think Satan rebelled because he was mad about free will? Nah. Guess who had the buttholes job.

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