Want a DONUT? Try GLASS OF WATER
You’ll barely remember what a donut is (it’s a delicious circle of fat and sugar best enjoyed with a hot cup of coffee with cream) when you drink some H2O! The next time that pastry-craving hits just pivot to the nearest tap, lean over, and drink directly from the streaming water like a desperate sailor from an 18th-century British ship hitting land for the first time in 10 months. Who even remembers what you wanted to eat earlier? (It was a donut.)
Want ICE CREAM? Try SUCKING ON THE INSIDE OF YOUR FREEZER
Think defrosting your freezer is a chore? Think again, you lumpy whore! There are flavors in there from when you accidentally left your Halo top open! When the urge for Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Therapy strikes, it’s time to go to actual therapy, you psycho! Or fling open that freezer and get to licking. Ben and who? (Jerry)
Want PASTA? Try SHREDDED PAPER
Carbs are great for your taste buds, but not for your inherent value as a human! You know the old saying, “A moment on the lips, forever will you be a fucking idiot who can’t control herself.” So when the urge for marinara strikes, make a play on pasta with the fun textures of shredded paper! (Fun Tip: Use hole-punch confetti for some calorie-free parmesan! Yum!)
Want WAFFLES? Try CHEWING BARK
The sweet taste of maple syrup over warm waffles is tough to turn down—If you’re a weak-willed wuss! Say no to breakfast and hello to barkfast! Chewing on the rough exterior of a nearby maple tree won’t taste like maple syrup, but it will cut up the inside of your mouth so bad that you won’t eat for a week. Score!
Want CHEESE? Try SCREAMING AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR
“I camembert to speak to a fatty!” Says society, so before you indulge in that cheese plate, take a beat and ask yourself: Have I cried enough today? Head to the nearest mirror and repeat all the lies we tell ourselves about beauty and desirability until your hysterical sobbing draws thinner onlookers for you to compare yourself to. Roquefort? More like Roquefit.
Want CHOCOLATE? Try JAMMING A NAIL IN YOUR FOOT
When that time of the month hits and you become an uncontrollable (and hysterical!) rage-monster, you better not start enjoying food! Before your chubby fingers wrap around that Hershey’s, stop and think “Where’s my toolbox?” Because the best cure for a normal human craving is distraction. And there’s nothing more distracting than a rusted nail being driven mercilessly through the flesh of your foot! Bonus: Losing blood is losing weight! You’re thinner already, girl!
Want FRIES? Try RUNNING HEAD FIRST INTO A BRICK WALL Potatoes!
Fry ‘em, bake ‘em, roast ‘em! They’re delicious every way. Too bad you can’t ever have them as long as you live, you dumpy-beef-machine. When you’re craving this calorific spud, it’s time to clear your head. So before you give in and take a bite out of that golden fry with ketchup, lower your center of gravity and charge headfirst into the nearest wall. Not only will you forget all about your craving, you might have to drink through a straw for several months! (OMG smoothie cleanse!)
Want PIZZA? Try SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTING
Nothing hits the spot quite like a slice of pizza after a night out with your friends. But you won’t have friends for long if you eat like a normal human! The next time you’re walking by a slice shop and find yourself tempted by the smell of garlic and cheese, stop in your tracks and defy the laws of physics. Plant your feet hip width apart (well, not your hips, a thin, better woman’s hips), bend your knees, grit your teeth, and let every cell in your body spark up in flame. Look at you! You’re so small and dainty as a pile of ash! #GOALS!
Life isn’t about enjoying things. It’s about adhering to specific body norms! On your deathbed you won’t be wishing you ate more bonbons, believe me! And boy will you have egg on your face (not literally, too fatty) when your family members can’t squeeze you into your favorite dress for the wake. Now it’s time to get skinny in Heaven!
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