Homepage / Fake News / 75 Years Since #MeToo: Men Have Never Had It Worse
The Game Where Two People Are Secretly Stoned [Full Episode] Alright Fellas, We’re Doing It: We’re Robbing This Bank 84% Support Marijuana Legalization An Alien’s Guide to Caring for Human Babies ‘The Onion’ Endorses Legal Marijuana Peeps Unveils New Boneless, Skinless Marshmallow Breasts China Discontinues State Surveillance Program After Finally Finding Guy Who Drove Into Xi Jinping’s Mailbox Venmo Rolls Out Feature Allowing Users To Send Goons To Collect Payment Tips For Taking Care Of Houseplants Mueller Report Released Unemployed Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Announce Plans To Give Baby Up For Adoption A 420 Visit from The Weed Man Biggest Revelations From The Mueller Report Let Me Feign Confidence for this Networking Luau Defiant Sarah Huckabee Sanders Claims She Doesn’t Know Where Voice Comes From When She Opens Mouth There Are No Dinosaurs In Alien (Tournament of Champions, Pt 3) Nation Spooked After Running Into Creepy Old Night Watchman Tracking Trump Administration Turnover French President Pledges To Rebuild Notre Dame In 5 Years List: Classic Song Titles Re-Imagined at This Tech-Heavy, Millennial-Targeted, Social-First Advertising Agency Stephen Miller Palms ICE Agent $50 Bill In Exchange For A Little Alone Time With Detained Migrants Erotica by a Woman Pretending to Be a Man Who is Pretending to Be a Woman Beyoncé Releases Surprise Live Album Neutrogena Calls For Worldwide Cleansing In Effort To Attain Facial Purity ‘Boating World Magazine’ Giving Live Updates As Its Team Of Reporters Reads All Of Mueller Report The Onion’s Legal Analysts Have Completed Their Official Count Of How Many Pages Are In The Mueller Report You’re Far Too Dumb To Be Reading The Mueller Report Yourself North Korea Tests Out New Knife In Smaller Escalation Of Threats To U.S. Weekend No. 19 in the County Jail ‘Mayor Pete’ Buttigieg Joins 2020 Race What Is the Worst Tattoo to Get? List: 7 Cactuses Who Could Beat the Golden State Warriors Barr Releases Catatonic Mueller After Removing All Sensitive Material From Special Counsel’s Brain Dressing Room Curtain Tested For Vulnerabilities There An Adult Superstore Off Exit 16 The Girl of My Dreams Was a Paid Advertisement Light Beer Healthiest Food Option At Stadium Game Boy Turns 30 Cinnabon Defends $800 Million Contract To Manufacture Pastries For Saudi Arabia Charlize Theron Is ‘Shockingly Available’ and Waiting for Someone to ‘Step Up’ and Ask Her Out – YEAH, RIGHT!!! Sony Scores Big Win For PlayStation 5 After Poaching Yoshi From Nintendo With 10-Year $400 Million Contract The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Vice President Joe Biden Investigators Trace Cause Of Notre Dame Fire To Cathedral’s Outdated 12th-Century Electrical System Dems’ White Man Problem – Will Durst, Humor Times Sony Reveals First PlayStation 5 Details Steve Kerr Reminds Warriors To Seem Sad DeMarcus Cousins Injured Beyond Meat Researchers Announce Creation Of Fully Conscious, Plant-Based Veal Calf Fenta-Nil Sloths Risk Death When They Poop RE: The Restless Dead Haunting the Office Pete Buttigieg Stuns Campaign Crowd By Speaking To Manufacturing Robots In Fluent Binary Leveling Up (with Satine Phoenix) ‘Game Of Thrones’ Season 8 Premieres Lazy Minor League Promotion Just ‘Baseball Night At The Stadium’ Paul Manafort Starts New Job Lobbying Prison Guards On Behalf Of Aryan Brotherhood List: Things I, A Super Progressive White Man, Am Willing to Forgive Beto O’Rourke Be the Housesitter: Mitski’s Housesitting Instructions Trump Vows to Restore Workplace Harassment Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 16, 2019 Friend Has Some Jerky In Clear, Unlabeled Bag For You To Try My Healthcare Plan is to be Buried in an Ancient Pet Cemetery Soaring Gas Prices Forcing More Americans To Drink Less Gas Tips For Playing ‘Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice’ Tiger Woods Wins 5th Masters Title Mom Dropped Like 80 Bucks On Some Necklace With An Owl On It At The Art Fair These Weed Names Are NOT Chill Paris Vows To Rebuild Notre Dame Despite Cosmic Absurdity Of Seeking Inherent Meaning In Fleeting Creations Of Man Notre Dame Gargoyle Going To Stay As Still As Possible Until Arson Investigator Gone 5 Things To Know About ‘The Man Who Killed Don Quixote’ List: The Recipe to Every Meal You’ll Cook in Your First Real Apartment Priest Cursed With Incredible Penis Suspicious New WikiLeaks Document Dump Exposes How Awesome And Trustworthy U.S. Government Is ‘Star Wars IX’ Trailer Released My Boyfriend Left Me for a Girl Who Sings Sensual Covers of Alternative Rock Songs on YouTube Neighbor Oblivious To Fact She Being Groomed For Cat-Sitting Jesus Christ Pushes Past Firefighter Into Burning Notre Dame To Save Beloved Relic Mar-a-Lago Tax Prep Inc. – David Martin, Humor Times Child Promised He Can Go Right Back To Video Game After Giving Dying Grandfather One Last Hug Trump Considering Releasing Detainees In Sanctuary Cities ‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple Trooper of the Week [Full Episode] The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 15, 2019 A Car That Won't Play the First Song In Your Phone Man Delivery Kits for the Single Lady Ilhan Omar Disrespectfully Refers To America As ‘A Place’ Crestfallen ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Starting To Realize Series Never Going To Show Dragons Fucking Dog A Pervert In Ways Owner Will Never Know List: Thank You for Calling the IRS, Please Listen Closely, As Our Menu Options Have Changed Ideas For Mending Your Relationship With The IRS After Being Caught Cheating On Taxes Everyone's a Republican On Tax Day One Scintillating Detail You Can Share With Your Date About Each of the Books On Your Bookshelf That You Haven’t Actually Read Oh, God! It’s Not THAT Time Again Is It??? Horoscopes for Jerks: April 2019 Morlocks and Eloi (Tournament of Champions, Pt 2) Stress Treatment: A Sexy Lesbian Doctor's Orders Julian Assange Arrested In London Congratulations on the Birth of Your Child, That Will Be $765,047.04 I Am Ben Affleck’s Back Tattoo Christian Bale Loses 40 Years For Upcoming Movie Role New Report Finds Amazon May Be Listening To You Through Hardcover Copies Of Michelle Obama’s ‘Becoming’

Fake News

75 Years Since #MeToo: Men Have Never Had It Worse

Since the dawning of the #MeToo movement, men’s rights have been systematically ignored. Now, in the year 2093, even our community anti-gravity fitness clubs are being policed by PC culture. Men are discouraged from giving women unsolicited personal training sessions, and these helpless women don’t have anyone to teach them proper squat technique. Who will teach these women?!

Since #MeToo, men, afraid of seeming out of touch, inconsiderate—or, God forbid, misogynistic—have cut back on the amount they speak during astronaut training by an average of 82 percent. So far, we’ve had three fully female space exploration crews, and the number keeps on climbing. Will we no longer allow men to be astronauts? More importantly, can we trust women to change the tires on Elon Musk’s Imagination Rover?!

Since #MeToo, men have been afraid of making the first move. Now, a man has to ask politely before amorously stroking a woman’s space helmet at the Soylent-themed speakeasy. Does this signal the decline of flirting? Who, then, will spice up the Soylent-themed speakeasies?!

Since #MeToo, most men have ceased screaming sexually explicit compliments from the open windows of their turbo-charged street shuttles. Instead, they must silently ride around, subjecting themselves to the ravages of NPR on the shuttle radio. Who will save these men from the intellectual ravages of decades-old Fresh Air reruns?! And how does Terry Gross look so good via hologram?!

Since #MeToo, men must accept a smile from a woman as just a smile—not an invitation to cram a hand up her jetpack booster mini skirt at SpaceX’s annual extraterrestrial meet and greet. Who will keep the true meaning of a smile alive?!

Since #MeToo, we’ve seen a severe drop in men enthusiastically kissing female strangers upon return from battle—take, for example, Space Force’s recent defeat of the Russians for control of Saturn’s rings. That’s led to a dramatic decline in romantic sexual assault photography and poster sales. That’s not only bad for romance—it’s an absolute nightmare for small businesses. Who will protect the economy?! And who will protect the sanctity of a passionate one-sided kiss?!

Since #MeToo, men have been afraid to stand too close to women on public transportation for fear of a groping accusation. Unfortunately, this means women can no longer enjoy the thrill of a rogue hand swiping through their butt crack repeatedly like it’s an old-fashioned credit card machine—you know, the kind without eyeball-activated Apple Pay microchip sensors. Who will swipe these cracks?!

Since #MeToo, men are no longer free to call their coworkers well-intentioned pet names like “sweetie,” “dear,” “Moon Pie,” “my precious pudding pop,” or “Sticky Nicki.” Now, the men actually have to remember their coworkers’ names, taking up essential brain space that could be used to develop the technology for golf courses in space, which we STILL do not have. Who will build the space golf resorts?!

Since #MeToo, men have been forced to stop AirDropping 3D holograms of their genitals to unsuspecting women. Without the ability to unload their 3D dick pics, men everywhere are reporting problems with full iClouds. That’s right: The cloud is now overflowing with dicks. Who will unload the cock cloud?!

It’s been 75 years since #MeToo, America! Sure, we have entire space stations dedicated to Rick and Morty—yeah, it’s still on—but men’s rights have completely evaporated into space! When will the madness end, America?

When—oh, when!—will the natural order of the universe be restored?

Want to improve your writing? Join Second City’s online “Writing Satire for the Internet” class. Use code PIC for 10% off.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.