Be spontaneous and try a weeknight cooking class. While stirring your shallots and peppercorns in a medium-sized frying pan, lose yourself in a longing gaze, daydreaming of a man who will love you regardless of your glasses. Your sleeve catches fire! Slap it on the table, knocking over the frying pan full of oil. Slip on said oil and bang your head on the countertop. Voila! You fall in love with the chef.
Tip: If your taste is impaired, it worked! You have blunt force trauma!
Show off your athletic side and take a hike this weekend. Get dizzy from the amount of sudden cardio you’re doing, wobble, and then get hit in the head with a drone, the impact sending you down a sharp embankment. You’ll look like a Coachella babe with weeds and branches in your hair, perfect for the super cute hunk who’s calling an ambulance. Is that a new shade of red lipstick? Oh, it’s blood? Doesn’t matter, you’ve found love!
High School Reunion
Demonstrate your new-found confidence since graduation, by going on stage and giving a toast to your jealous former classmates. Set your drink down on the DJ booth and spill it, causing sparks to shoot up and into your corneas. Fall off stage and crack your head on the gymnasium floor, before you black out, make meaningful eye contact with AP English Literature teacher Mr. Brighton.
Show your classmates who has fresh brain damage and a hot new boyfriend! You win!
New York Fashion Week
Get dressed up and hit the town with your best guy friend! Show your playful side, dance in the streets of New York just as fashion week hits high gear. After a few too many hair flips, lose balance and stumble into the street, getting struck by a limo carrying the Hadid sisters. As you vomit and lose motor skills, you now realize your best friend, who’s been in front of you all along, is the love of your life!
Tip: If you see two of him, keep smiling, it’s just a severe concussion.
Hollywood Pool Party
The perfect event to land the leading man in your life! Make sure to wear heels and a bikini to this summer bash thrown by French Montana. As you sip your mimosa and scan the crowd for a hunk to make you whole, the beat drops, sending your body flying off a balcony and into the pool. You’re wet, your skull is fractured and you’re head over heels for Kevin James.
Horse Back Riding
Save a horse, ride a cowboy, right? Visit a stable and make sure to get pictures of you in front of the majestic beasts to post on social media. Sneeze and scare the grey stallion, so that he kicks you violently in the head. How cute and flirty, you’re outdoors, your brain is bleeding and you’ve never been more in love with Bucktooth the American Quarter horse.
Make an impromptu ice skating day with a gaggle of your closest friends. Seize the zamboni, mowing down all your closest besties on the rink, then throw yourself in front of the 10,000-pound vehicle. Now you and all your friends have severe hematomas and are in a coma together! You’re such a good friend, making sure your gals all find true love just like you. Did someone say pregnancy pact?
Tip: Even though you’re unconscious, remain approachable for your future husband.
Join upcoming comedy writing, improv, & sketch classes at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.
Check out events at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC March 22-24.