It’s that time of year again: the holidays are over, the turkey is nothing but a pile of soggy bones, and you’ll still be hungover when you return to work in a few days.
Let’s face it: life after the holidays can be a bummer. The following steps will help ease you into the dull new year.
1. Start a Workout Routine
Establishing (and sticking to) a regular exercise regimen is a great way to beat back those post-holiday blues. You’ll be looking and feeling great in no time. If you’re focused on earning those mass gains or cutting down your 5K time, your mind will stay occupied. This will make the transition out of the holiday season much easier for you.
It’s even better if you find a workout buddy!
2. Don’t Be Afraid to Talk About Your Problems
Look, whether they admit it or not, everyone feels a little let down once the holidays end and it’s back to business as usual. There’s no shame in that. Don’t let fear of judgment keep you from expressing your emotions with your loved ones—they’re there to help you in times of need.
This is another benefit of having a workout partner. Why not share your disappointment in the post-holiday world with your friend while you rotate through sets of deadlifts? They probably feel the same way, and maybe together you can find a solution that works for both of you.
3. Start an Office Fight Club with Your Workout Buddy
So you and your pal have figured out the root cause of your new year’s blues. It just so happens that 90% of the blame falls on the mid-sized corporation you both work for. Talk to your fellow employees—chances are, at least a few of them share your sentiment!
Invite them to workout with you. Time constraints may prevent everyone from being able to go to the gym regularly, but don’t panic, improvise! The executive conference room should have plenty of floor space. The lack of available equipment will also require you to adapt. Did you know that you can burn almost 500 calories in a standard Mixed Martial Arts fight? It provides a great workout and requires almost no equipment.
You and your colleagues can take out your frustrations on The System (and get in some excellent cardio) by staging violent, no-holds-barred sparring matches on a regular basis. Just make sure the boss doesn’t find out!
4. Take Your Boss Hostage and Seal the Building
Oops, your manager stayed later than usual and walked in on a cage match! Take this opportunity to explain your post-holiday blues to him. As a member of the company’s bourgeoisie, he might be unforgiving to your plight. It’s possible he will even threaten to call the authorities. That would only make you feel worse about this new year, and must be avoided at all costs.
There’s a custodian closet somewhere in your office space—why not tie up your boss and lock him in there? Be sure to post guards at every entrance to the building. The last thing you want when battling a case of the New Year’s Frownies is a witness stumbling upon your burgeoning hostage situation.
5. Start a Cult
You’ve managed to place yourself in the middle of an increasingly dangerous situation. It would be all too easy for everything to melt into chaos, but that’s not the way to pull yourself out of the dumps. You need to get back up on that horse and take action!
Your colleagues will be looking to you for guidance once SWAT shows up to rescue your boss. Take advantage of that. Ensure they trust you, and only you, to pull them from the depths of their post-holiday despair. Promise them you know the way to true happiness, and part of it includes making sure the authorities do not gain access to the office building.
If you have a cloak or cape of some sort, don it. If you’re going to lead your new followers into a brighter new year, you should look the part. Make up some otherworldly entity (the more exotic-sounding, the better) and act as its mouthpiece. This will increase your coworkers’ confidence in your ability to drive out those wintertime blues.
6. Awaken the Almighty Master of the Eternal Void, Ghrulkalsyk
Okay, so you accidentally managed to summon an actual dark deity from the depths of who-knows-where. Stay calm. Reassure your new cult members that this is all part of the plan to turn those post-holiday frowns upside down.
Lead by example. Bow down to Ghrulkalsyk, and beg for Its Never-Ending Knowledge to show you all the path to acceptance of the new year.
Offer a sacrifice, if necessary—a bound-and-gagged middle manager should do nicely. Watch as The Malevolent Ruler of the Abyss devours your boss, then the SWAT unit! Having tasted human souls, it is unlikely that Its hunger will be sated after that.
Be prepared to start sacrificing your cult members. Remind them that this is the only way to be completely rid of those blues.
7. Watch as Existence as You Know It is Wiped Out
Uh-oh! Looks like ol’ Ghrulkalsyk isn’t satisfied with a few measly mortals. He tells you (telepathically) that he is going to destroy all of reality. Prepare to greet the Eternal Void waiting for you.
Take pleasure in the knowledge that you have successfully eradicated post-holiday gloom from not only yourself, but everyone you have ever known.
Congratulations! If you’ve followed all of these steps, you should be over the new year’s gloom and back into the swing of things in no time!