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Fake News

6 Ways to Sneeze Exclusively for Attention This Fall



The fall season is upon us. With the autumnal changes, sneezes are sure to abound. Year after year those sneezes cause people to become desensitized and stop responding “bless you,” which can surely be harder on some more than others. This is for those of us who need attention in all possible forms, including temperature-dependent nasal air expulsions.

It can be difficult not being the constant center of attention while at the same time knowing you deserve the focus more than anyone in the room. Luckily, you don’t have to succumb to the pressure of others who are not acknowledging you in that instant moment. You are powerful and worthy and can create space for yourself by confidently grasping the moment when your body is reacting to nasal irritation.

Don’t let your sneeze just pass in the wind. Here’s how your sneezes can grab the attention you need.

Increase the Volume

Ever since we were kids in the classroom, we’ve been pressured to sneeze in non-disruptive ways. We’re trained to shame our sneezing volumes into a sniffle. Break free from the conformity that’s been deeply ingrained! Sneeze as loud as you can! Scream, even!

Create Consonance

While this form of attention-seeking requires successive sneezes and musical acumen, the payoff is tremendous. Not only will your sneezes be a form of artistic expression, but they are sure to captivate a loyal audience. Surely the voice is regarded as a human instrument, but who says the nose can’t also be your artistic, narcissistic tool?

Simultaneously Blow a Raspberry

Whether to you that means a raspberry, a strawberry, or a Bronx cheer, get that mouth moving! Mimicking this fun noise that harkens back to childhood will inspire nostalgia in those around you, who will praise you for bringing them back to a remembered moment of pure joy and innocence. They’ll be sure to bless you not just for the sneeze, but for that brief endearing reminiscence.

Throw Your Hands in the Air

Say it with me: Weee! This one feels like you’re riding a rollercoaster, and when was the last time that happened since you’ve become an attention-seeking adult? How often do we get to just throw our hands up with excitement? This spontaneous motion is sure to catch some eyes. Plus it’s just so dang fun to sneeze and throw your hands up!

Emulate a Cute ‘Lil Toy Choo-Choo Train

That classic ah-choo is so familiar sounding. But the choo-choo that comes from those toy trains you used to assemble as a child around the Christmas tree? That’s a cute time. This sneezing style modifies the pitch of the “choo” sound, so if you’re vocally-trained or an instrumental musician, you especially have the ears for this cry for attention. It’s especially cute if you recoil your body a bit and make yourself smaller as you sneeze. It might feel pathetic at first, but the blessings that follow will be so worth it.

Bless Yourself

In a room full of agnostics, atheists, and apathetics don’t believe in a God that blesses you? Alone in a room? This feeling of loneliness is quickly resolved with a simple mantra: “Well BLESS ME, RIGHT?!” Feels passive-aggressive at first, but sometimes you need to be your own advocate, and that’s all the more empowering.


Don’t be afraid to test out all possible permutations  and combinations of the above! Some may feel unnatural or make your feel like it will explode, but you’re capable of more than you know of and sneezing cannot limit your ability to demand focus.


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