This week saw the release of A Quiet Place – a new horror film starring Emily Blunt and John Krasinski, about a post-apocalyptic world overrun with terrifying monsters that hunted anything that made a noise…reducing humanity to nearly nothing, and forcing the few survivors to live lives of near-permanent silence. It’s a bold and genuinely amazing concept, perfectly executed by Krasinski (who also directed and co-wrote the film). Huge chunks of the film are almost entirely silent – and the slight noises you hear and the anticipation of noise ratchets up the tension constantly.
And that’s why it’s been so grating to hear about shitty audiences for this movie – it’s annoying as it is when people talk or make noises during any movie, let alone one where silence is key to really immersing yourself in the film and enjoying the experience. I had a noisy/irritating audience while seeing the movie, and I went online to see if others were having the same issue. And while plenty people praised their audiences as being respectful and quiet, others talked about their shitty experience at the theater made especially worse given the film’s core premise.
NOW THAT I GOT MY PRAISES OUT THE WAY: the real flaw of A Quiet Place is the audience! What part of SHUT THE FUCK UP don’t you understand?! pic.twitter.com/j8GrSugXCr
— donnia (@fincherism) April 8, 2018
one of my hopes in life is to never sit with the same audience that i had to sit through a quiet place with. it wasn’t too terrible, but everyone sucked in some capacity.
— evelyn (@traevelyn) April 9, 2018
Saw A Quiet Place last night, ironically the theater was full of loud people talking ???
— Grant Conley (@supremememebeam) April 9, 2018
So – just as a reminder to everyone – here are the rules you should follow when seeing a movie in the theater, ESPECIALLY ‘A QUIET PLACE.’
1. Chew with your mouth closed, for god’s sake you inbred fucking shitspawn.
This is also just a general etiquette rule, but NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR OR SEE YOUR DISGUSTING MOUTH CHEWING FOOD. The sight is gross, but the SOUND is even grosser – and in a movie like this, EVERYONE can hear you. Also – how the hell do you still have popcorn left an hour into the film? I always finish mine by the time the trailers are over, regardless of what size I bought.
2. Maybe hold off on slurping your soda when there’s barely any left in the cup so it makes that really loud sucking noise during these unbelievably tense silent scenes, you slow-witted piss-stain of a human.
THERE’S NO SODA LEFT. Either wait for the ice to melt so you can suck down some actual liquid, or go get a refill (although I swear to god if you awkwardly try to make your way to the aisle and wind up slamming into me I will be EXTRA pissed and no I will NOT be moving my legs to let you back in).
3. If you brought a baby to the theater please kindly shoot yourself out of a cannon or something you goddamn braindead sentient turd.
There is literally no situation where you should be bringing babies to movie theaters – babies hate it, everyone else hates it, and you wind up feeling nervous and anxious about your baby ruining everyone else’s experience (if you have a soul, which is questionable, given you brought A BABY TO A HORROR MOVIE). Watch a movie on Netflix at home, or get a babysitter. It’s really that simple.
4. Stop whispering shit during the movie – are you seriously saying “hey I think that’s the guy from The Office” to your date, you dipshit?
Your running commentary of what you think is gonna happen next, where you remember specific actors from, and minor plot holes can all wait until AFTER the movie. Or, better yet, just keep all of that to yourself, because neither your date nor any of the people you’ll ever interact with could possibly give a shit.
5. FUCKING TURN OFF YOUR PHONE FOR GOD’S SAKE YOU ARE NOT GETTING TEXT MESSAGES THAT ARE MORE INTERESTING THAN THIS MOVIE
OH JEEZ IS DEVON FINALLY TEXTING YOU BACK ABOUT THE PARTY NEXT WEEK? OH YEAH, I CAN TOTALLY UNDERSTAND WHY YOU JUST HAVE TO HAVE A GLARING BEACON OF LIGHT EMANATING FROM YOUR SEAT IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS DARKENED MOVIE THEATER TO READ THAT TEXT WITHOUT DELAY, YOU DISTRACTING TAINT MOP. YEAH THIS WELL-CRAFTED HORROR MOVIE THAT’S ONLY 90 MINUTES LONG IS DEFINITELY LESS INTERESTING THAN WHATEVER STUPID BULLSHIT CHAXLER’S TEXTING YOU ABOUT MAYBE HANGING OUT TOMORROW.
6. No one gives a shit about your jokes. You’re not funny. You are not on Mystery Science Theater 3000. You are taking advantage of a captive audience, a great deal of silence, and ratcheted up tension to scream out the lyrics to “All-Star” for some reason as a means of getting a giggle out of a few people. But you suck – you suck so, so much. You will never amount to anything and you will die alone. So shut the fuck up and watch the goddamn movie.
By the way, that “All-Star” thing actually happened to someone. What the fuck is wrong with some people?!