Homepage / Fake News / 6 Tips On Not Being An Obnoxious Asshole While Watching "A Quiet Place"
More Movie Adaptations Of Our Favorite Board Games NSA Admits: We Intercepted Debbie Wasserman-Schultz’s Intimate Phone Sex Conversations NASA Announces Plans To Place Giant Pair Of Shades On Sun Boss Wants To Know If You Can Work Late This Year The Editor Of Snopes Just Listed His Marriage Of 28 Years As A Hoax This Chilling Video Of George W. Bush And John Kerry Singing ‘This Land Is Your Land’ Shows How Easy It Is To Use Digital Facial Mapping To Fake Anyone Doing Anything The Best Feelings of the Week (4/20/18) DNC Files Lawsuit Alleging Nation Should Never, Ever Stop Focusing On 2016 Election Most Shocking Revelations Of The Comey Memos North, South Korea In Talks To Announce End To 68-Year Korean War ‘Politics Was Never This Toxic In The 2010s,’ Says Future American While Watching Candidates Battle In 2048 Debate Pits Long John Silver’s Customer Finds Deep-Fried Poseidon Head In Value Meal Furniture King Supports Your Boycott ‘These Kids Should Be In School Instead Of Protesting,’ Say People So Tantalizingly Close To Getting The Point Breaking Out of Your Winter Depression Air Wick Introduces New Piss-Scented Bathroom Diffuser Sober vs High: Watching a Nature Documentary Child At That Awkward Age Where No One Cares What He Thinks And He’s Constantly In The Way FLOWCHART: Do They Know You're High Right Now? Viacom Celebrates its Annual Global Day of Giving Back – Viacom Corporate Starbucks To Close 8,000 Stores For Racial Bias Training The 7 Types of People You’ll Smoke Weed With The Trolley Problem, Interpreted by Notable Film Directors 200 Million Eggs Recalled In U.S. After Dozens Become Ill Mom Makes Sure Everyone Has Masturbated Before Long Car Ride Those Who Do Not Learn From History Are Doomed To Repeat The Renaissance L.A. Fitness Announces Plan To Close All Locations For 30-Minute, High-Intensity Diversity Training Supreme Court Agrees To Hear New Jack White Album Pope Francis Stayed Up All Night Making A Squarespace Page For Catholicism Report: Puerto Rico Situation Remains Dire Despite Months Of No Help Whatsoever After An Island-Wide Blackout Left Millions Of Puerto Ricans Without Power, This Amazing Charity Air-Dropped Printouts Of The Most Epic Trump Takedowns On Twitter Puerto Rico Hit By Island-Wide Blackout Examining the Kochtopus – Jim Hightower, Humor Times Golden Retriever Mauls 5 In Huge Victory For Pitbull Apologists Storm Warning – Will Durst, Humor Times Mike Pompeo Defects To North Korea After Learning About Kim Jong-Un’s Torture Program Trash Bag Taped Over Broken Southwest Plane Window The Most Intimate Step in a Relationship Dad Ready To Forgive Dixie Chicks 10 Celebrities Then vs Now If Amazon and the Postal Service Were Two Teenage Boys in Forbidden Love Tips For Traveling Solo God Recalls Life-Changing Encounter With 8-Year-Old Boy Who Had Near-Death Experience Nation’s Liberals Not Sure What To Think After Hearing Special Counsel Has Waterboarded Every Suspect In Trump Investigation Even If We Ban Guns, Someone Would Invent a Machine With a Different Name That Does the Same Thing Grandma Defiantly Taking Scone Recipe To Grave Kendrick Lamar Wins Historic Pulitzer Prize For ‘DAMN.’ Spring Appalachian Road Trip Memes – The Sequel! Nintendo Has Released A Chair That Will Launch You Through Your TV If You Crash In ‘Mario Kart’ Humor Creators File Lawsuit Against Hundreds of Millions: You May Be Among Them New Employee Doesn't Understand That's Where Zack Sits The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews the Think Tank Carmelo Anthony Struggles To Get Rhythm Back After Making Shot J.K. Rowling Has Revealed That Dementors Are The Wizarding World’s Version Of Italians Barbara Bush Dies At 92 Barbara Bush Passes Away Surrounded By Loved Ones, Jeb Shy Balloon Spends Entire Party Floating In Back Corner Of Room By Itself Cottonelle Adds Blue Strip To Toilet Paper But Keeps What It Does A Secret 5 Reasons To Watch Reruns of ‘The Office’ Instead of Any New Show Congress Not Sure What It Did To Make Trump Think It Wouldn’t Roll Over For Whatever He Wants In Syria I Cut My Tongue Licking a Chobani Lid Again No Cash Left Behind Impoverished Kenyan Bean Picker Can’t Wait To See What Starbucks Has To Say About Racial Sensitivity TGI Fridays Is A Human Right Top 5 Kinkiest Fashion Trends Of The 18th Century New Law Requires Sex Offenders To Inform Residents Before Moving Into Their Homes New Evidence Suggests First Gallows Created As Early Attempt At Autoerotic Asphyxiation Michael Jordan Attacks Softness, Lack Of Competitiveness In Modern Blackjack Players Biggest Revelations From James Comey’s New Book 5 Questions With John Krasinski Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 17, 2018 Poisoned Water Supply Creates Gray Area in Syria Step Right Up And Feast Your Eyes On The Unfathomable Comey, The Man Who Is Both Good And Bad! The Beautiful Monster Who Makes Resisters’ Minds Spin! Betrayer Of Hillary! Enemy Of Trump! Behold This Freak Of Nature! Controversial Theory Suggests Aliens May Have Built Ancient Egypt’s Intergalactic Spaceport Mueller Combs Through Dozens Of Damning White House Emails He Was Accidentally CC’d On Alex Jones Pleads With Sandy Hook Parents To Imagine Pain An Expensive Lawsuit Would Cause Him Comey Says Trump ‘Morally Unfit’ To Be President As Clash Escalates Kendrick Lamar Becomes First Rapper To Win Pulitzer Prize For Editorial Cartooning The Stages Of Dealing WIth Computer Problems Hannity Claims Relationship With Cohen Never Went Past Payment For Legal Advice, Defense Strategy In Criminal Cases Half-Empty Bottle Of Colt 45 Left On Church Steps Must Be Offering To God The Story Behind Reddit’s Most Specific, Brutally Honest, and Impossible-To-Remember Community I’ll Be Back To Fix Our Marriage After This 72-Hour “Fortnite” Session Man Fears He May Never Trust Again After Treasured Picture Of Duck Turns Out To Be Rabbit  Half-Empty Bottle Of Olde English Left On Church Steps Must Be Offering To God Men Fired In Wake Of #MeToo Come Forward About How It Took Them Several Hours To Find New Jobs Al Gore, World’s Fattest Fool, Pretends UK is Tropical Paradise over Easter Researchers Find New Malware Designed To Make ATMs Spit Out Cash The 5 Worst People in Your D&D Game Reviews of Yellowstone National Park By Bison Gaming History Unearthed: Fans Have Located The Desert Mass Grave Where Atari Buried All Of Its Employees Responsible For The ‘E.T.’ Video Game 6 Reasons Brandon Gave For Why His Dad Isn’t Around That Are Definitely Bullshit New ‘Lord Of The Rings’ Book ‘The Fall Of Gondolin’ To Be Released This Year The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 16, 2018 Cool Glitch Effect On Movie Studio Logo Must Mean Shit About To Go Down Americans File Returns For Tax Day U.S. Won’t Rule Out Escalating Defense-Sector Profits From Syria Conflict Ex-Boyfriend Hopes To Still Be Terrible, Incompatible Friends Comey Suddenly Realizes Entire Book Just A Subconscious Defense Mechanism To Hide His True Feelings It Time To Give Up

Fake News

6 Tips On Not Being An Obnoxious Asshole While Watching “A Quiet Place”

Buy the Wine Cloud T-Shirt at Awkward T-shirts
dab on them haters t-shirt
I Believe in ReinCATnation T-Shirt Amazon.com
Funny Books Reading T-Shirt Amazon.com
Funny Breaking News T-Shirt Amazon.com
previous arrow
next arrow
PlayPause
Slider


undefined

This week saw the release of A Quiet Place – a new horror film starring Emily Blunt and John Krasinski, about a post-apocalyptic world overrun with terrifying monsters that hunted anything that made a noise…reducing humanity to nearly nothing, and forcing the few survivors to live lives of near-permanent silence. It’s a bold and genuinely amazing concept, perfectly executed by Krasinski (who also directed and co-wrote the film). Huge chunks of the film are almost entirely silent – and the slight noises you hear and the anticipation of noise ratchets up the tension constantly.

And that’s why it’s been so grating to hear about shitty audiences for this movie – it’s annoying as it is when people talk or make noises during any movie, let alone one where silence is key to really immersing yourself in the film and enjoying the experience. I had a noisy/irritating audience while seeing the movie, and I went online to see if others were having the same issue. And while plenty people praised their audiences as being respectful and quiet, others talked about their shitty experience at the theater made especially worse given the film’s core premise.

So – just as a reminder to everyone – here are the rules you should follow when seeing a movie in the theater, ESPECIALLY ‘A QUIET PLACE.’

1. Chew with your mouth closed, for god’s sake you inbred fucking shitspawn.

undefined

This is also just a general etiquette rule, but NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR OR SEE YOUR DISGUSTING MOUTH CHEWING FOOD. The sight is gross, but the SOUND is even grosser – and in a movie like this, EVERYONE can hear you. Also – how the hell do you still have popcorn left an hour into the film? I always finish mine by the time the trailers are over, regardless of what size I bought.

2. Maybe hold off on slurping your soda when there’s barely any left in the cup so it makes that really loud sucking noise during these unbelievably tense silent scenes, you slow-witted piss-stain of a human.

undefined

THERE’S NO SODA LEFT. Either wait for the ice to melt so you can suck down some actual liquid, or go get a refill (although I swear to god if you awkwardly try to make your way to the aisle and wind up slamming into me I will be EXTRA pissed and no I will NOT be moving my legs to let you back in).

3. If you brought a baby to the theater please kindly shoot yourself out of a cannon or something you goddamn braindead sentient turd.

undefinedundefined

There is literally no situation where you should be bringing babies to movie theaters – babies hate it, everyone else hates it, and you wind up feeling nervous and anxious about your baby ruining everyone else’s experience (if you have a soul, which is questionable, given you brought A BABY TO A HORROR MOVIE). Watch a movie on Netflix at home, or get a babysitter. It’s really that simple.

4. Stop whispering shit during the movie – are you seriously saying “hey I think that’s the guy from The Office” to your date, you dipshit?

undefined

Your running commentary of what you think is gonna happen next, where you remember specific actors from, and minor plot holes can all wait until AFTER the movie. Or, better yet, just keep all of that to yourself, because neither your date nor any of the people you’ll ever interact with could possibly give a shit.

5. FUCKING TURN OFF YOUR PHONE FOR GOD’S SAKE YOU ARE NOT GETTING TEXT MESSAGES THAT ARE MORE INTERESTING THAN THIS MOVIE

undefined

OH JEEZ IS DEVON FINALLY TEXTING YOU BACK ABOUT THE PARTY NEXT WEEK? OH YEAH, I CAN TOTALLY UNDERSTAND WHY YOU JUST HAVE TO HAVE A GLARING BEACON OF LIGHT EMANATING FROM YOUR SEAT IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS DARKENED MOVIE THEATER TO READ THAT TEXT WITHOUT DELAY, YOU DISTRACTING TAINT MOP. YEAH THIS WELL-CRAFTED HORROR MOVIE THAT’S ONLY 90 MINUTES LONG IS DEFINITELY LESS INTERESTING THAN WHATEVER STUPID BULLSHIT CHAXLER’S TEXTING YOU ABOUT MAYBE HANGING OUT TOMORROW.

6. No one gives a shit about your jokes. You’re not funny. You are not on Mystery Science Theater 3000. You are taking advantage of a captive audience, a great deal of silence, and ratcheted up tension to scream out the lyrics to “All-Star” for some reason as a means of getting a giggle out of a few people. But you suck – you suck so, so much. You will never amount to anything and you will die alone. So shut the fuck up and watch the goddamn movie.

undefined

By the way, that “All-Star” thing actually happened to someone. What the fuck is wrong with some people?!

 






Source link