Homepage / Fake News / 6 Reasons Brandon Gave For Why His Dad Isn’t Around That Are Definitely Bullshit
Doctors Clear Ben Roethlisberger For Unwanted Contact When a Kink Chooses You Obama Endorses Not Doing Goddamn Thing To Fix Illinois In Midterms Tips For Getting Better At Crosswords Is Wayne Enterprises The ‘Silent Partner’ In Musk’s Recent Tesla Gambit? CBI issues best practice guidelines for awkward lift journeys Frustrated Men Demand To Know ‘Exactly Where On Tits It Okay To Touch Nowadays’ Free Books Until Midnight! | HumorFeed Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 21, 2018 LeBron James Crestfallen After Learning L.A. Doesn’t Have Any Rock And Roll Museums The 7 Types of Procrastinator Sexy and Confusing Lessons from the Online Fitness Industry The CIA Is In Crisis Mode After ISIS Made Its Instagram Private Grocery Store Bar Actually Has Great Little Happy Hour, Reports Man With A Serious Problem Tim Burton Worried He Going Through A Bit Of A 14-Movie Slump Law School Applications Increase Upon Realization That Any Fucking Idiot Can Be Lawyer Trump Accuses Voters Of Meddling In Midterms Ingenious Political Analyst Points Out Irony Of Melania Trump Speaking Out Against Cyber Bullying When Her Husband Donald Trump Tips For Pulling An All-Nighter Emotional Elon Musk Recalls Spending Entire Birthday Working On Concepts For Mistreating Employees Trump Cancels Military Parade, Citing Price Lunch Place Uses Way Too Much Mayo In Fruit Salad Secretary Of Education Reveals She’s Forced To Use Own Salary On Yacht Supplies Icy Cave At Peak Of Andes Mountains Now Sole Remaining Place On Earth Where You Can Escape This The Strange Life of a Costco Food Sample Michael Cohen Relieved To Remember It Illegal To Charge Lawyer With Crime Penny Not So Lucky For Tortured Soul Of Lincoln Trapped Inside India Rolls Out Healthcare For 500 Million People The Week In Pictures – Week Of August 20, 2018 New York Times Presents 36 Hours Inside Your Own Head In Over His Head and Under Senate House Arrest My Only Regret Is That I Have But 96 Lives Per Day To Give For My Country by Wayne LaPierre The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews the Mean Guys Snake Poses on a Plane Editorial: The So-Called ‘President’ Must Be Held to Account for Attacking the Free Press Hollywood Launching Cinematic Universe About Fruit Spotify May Allow Unlimited Ad Skipping For Free Users If You Do This While Driving a Convertible, Things Will Definitely End Badly Support Women (If You Know One) Ditching Tight Pants Improves Sperm Count Conch Shell Opens Up During a Weekend in the Hamptons West Hollywood Urges Removal of Trump’s Walk of Fame Star Game Host Vanna White Resigns From Wheel of Fortune After 35 Years World’s Religious Leaders Admit They Just Love Getting To Wear Frilly Little Gowns And Having A Blast I Didn’t Spend Four Years at Juilliard Studying Percussion To Be Called “Mr. Tambourine Man” Germany Running Out Of Beer Bottles Server Unbelievably Touched To Be Asked Own Opinion On Whether Enchiladas Or Burger Better Choice ‘Listen, No Normal Person Is Going To Sign Up To Be A Priest’ A 49-Year-Old’s Thoughts While Walking the Dog Portrait Next To Coffin Most Likely The Deceased 4 Great Feelings That Will Make You Go Niiiiiice ‘Paw Patrol’ Writers Defend Episode Where German Shepherd Cop Shoots Unarmed Black Lab 17 Times In Back Girlfriend Slowly Becoming Radicalized By New Skin-Care Blog Pros And Cons Of Mobile Payment Apps Should The NFL Eliminate The Off-Season? Man Not Even The Hot Kind Ice In Urinal Just Cherry On Top For Man Who Came To Club To Drink Piss NASA Scientists Make Life-Changing Discovery But You Kind Of Had To Be There SatireWorld’s Douchebag of the Week…..Gov. Andrew Cuomo Fantasy Novel Not Holding Back On Criticisms Of Dwarvish Culture Head On Pike Really Pulling Together Castle’s Look Hotshot Peasant Has Window Pretentious Peasant Insists He Never Watches Beheadings Trumpet Player Wishes Someone Would Sound Horns For Him When He Entered Castle Gates For Once Knights Organization Denies Claims That Overhunting Could Lead To Extinction Of Dragons Church Masses Going Wild Over Catchy New Gregorian Chant Jason Momoa Reveals He Spent Months Becoming Useless Dumbass To Get Into Character For ‘Aquaman’ Trump Escalates Feud with Former Aide Frederick Douglass Star Wars News Net Joins Hundreds Of Publications In Condemning Trump’s Attacks On The Press Methadone Clinic Must Be Having Some Sort Of Big Party Someone Robbed That KFC Again Trump Locked Out Of White House After Accidentally Revoking Own Security Clearance Colin Hanks Is The Better Hanks, Fight Me Fox News Apologizes For Mistaking Patti LaBelle For Aretha Franklin The 6 Types of People That Say “I’m Just Gonna Leave This Here” in Movies NBCU Readying Streaming Service That Pays Viewers To Watch It   Should The MLB Ban Infield Shapeshifting? 8 Stages Of Deciding Dinner With Your Significant Other White House Honors Aretha Franklin By Not Releasing Official Statement On Her Death MoviePass Attempts To Increase Profitability By No Longer Mailing Out Free $500 A Month To Subscribers Diversity Is So IN Snoop Dog and Martha Stewart…”I make His Fo Schizzle Sizzle” | You make the news…We report it! How To Keep Your Smartphone From Ruining Your Vacation I’m the Boyband Member Everyone Always Forgets Allow Me To Demon ‘Strate NOAA Lowers Warnings For Atlantic Hurricane Season FBI Fingers Hillary Clinton In Surprise Vagina Probe Whoa, I Saw The Mummy That’s Been Chasing Us Without His Bandages and He’s Actually Really Handsome Biblical Scholars Have Discovered That Christ’s Eyes Were Much Lower Down On His Face Than Previously Believed Surgeon Pretty Bummed About Losing Patient, But It Not Like They Were Good Friends Or Anything President Revokes Security Clearance Of Macaulay Culkin More Than 100 U.S. Newspapers Plan Editorials Decrying Trump’s Attacks On Media The Onion’s Guide To ‘The Great British Baking Show’ The Onion Reviews ‘Crazy Rich Asians’ Fantasizing Priest Accidentally Turns Communion Wafer Into Body Of Altar Boy Swamp Thing – Will Durst, Humor Times The Problem With Doing What You Love For A Living Man Guessing He’s Stared At Giant Sequoia Long Enough To Appreciate It Senate Republicans Promise There Will Be Plenty Of Time To Review Kavanaugh Writings When They Become Law Of Land North, South Korea Agree To Summit In Pyongyang

Fake News

6 Reasons Brandon Gave For Why His Dad Isn’t Around That Are Definitely Bullshit


Brandon’s dad never comes to soccer games or school field trips and clearly doesn’t live with Brandon and his family, but Brandon is always making up totally dumbass excuses as to why. Here are six reasons Brandon gave for why his dad isn’t around that everyone can tell are grade-A bullshit.


1. He’s on the Olympic basketball team: When Brandon’s dad didn’t come to the sixth-grade production of Into The Woods this month, Brandon made a big show of telling everybody that his dad couldn’t make it because he was busy being a power forward on the U.S. Olympic basketball team. Seriously, Brandon? The last Summer Olympics were a long-ass time ago, and we would have noticed if someone with your last name who looked like you had been competing. We all know your dad isn’t around these days, but we’re not fucking buying that it’s because—at age 43—he made it onto the Olympic basketball team. Jesus Christ, Brandon, do you think we’re all idiots or something?

2. He’s having surgery to get his arm replaced with a super-strong bionic arm: Yeah, this one is some pure goddamn horseshit. The other day when someone asked Brandon if his dad was going to pick him up from soccer practice, he told this elaborate story about how his dad got selected by the U.S. Army to test out a bionic arm it developed strong enough to punch straight through an alligator’s skull. When someone asked him why the U.S. Army would need that, Brandon said that it was so it could finally kill the alligator that assassinated Martin Luther King Jr., but when Kody pointed out that it wouldn’t make sense for Brandon’s dad to be the one to do that since he’s an electrician and not in the military, Brandon just said that he was late for gym class and ran off. We don’t know whether Brandon’s dad got sick, or he left, or he got a job in a different town or something, but it’s pretty obvious that he isn’t at the Pentagon having surgery to get a bionic arm.

3. He had to go into the witness protection program after he saw El Chapo rob a Starbucks: According to Brandon, his dad had to change his name to “Max Desastre” and move to Iceland so that he wouldn’t get murdered for watching El Chapo rob a Starbucks. More fucking likely he had a fight with Brandon’s mom and went down to Florida to live with his older brother for a while.

4. He’s trapped at the top of Kingda Ka: This year when Brandon’s dad didn’t make it to Brandon’s birthday party, Brandon said it was because his dad had been trapped at the top of Kingda Ka for three months and the fire department couldn’t figure out how to get him down. Aside from the fact that there’s no way it would take more than a day to get somebody down from there, Brandon basically used the same excuse last year when he said that his dad got stuck against the wall of the Gravitron ride at the boardwalk and a team of scientists from MIT had to come in and reverse the centripetal force that was pinning him there. Either way, Brandon just needs to own up to the fact that his dad is definitely not living with him at the moment.

5. He became a live-in nurse for Eminem: Brandon, what the fuck? It’s fine that your dad isn’t around for some reason, but stop trying to act like it’s because he’s Eminem’s live-in caretaker. Brandon seems to expect us to believe that Eminem’s agent hired Brandon’s dad to feed Eminem every two hours, because if Eminem gets too hungry he’ll go berserk and write another mean song about his mom. Plus, Brandon keeps adding all these details about how his dad lives in Eminem’s shed, and the shed is full of poisonous spiders, but the poisonous spiders don’t bite his dad because they’re loyal to Eminem and they know he’s Eminem’s friend. Basically, none of that makes any fucking sense, and it’s pretty clear that Brandon is making it up on the fly every time he explains it. This has to be one of Brandon’s all-time most-bullshit excuses for why his dad isn’t around.

6. He’s nocturnal: Brandon obviously only came up with this one after learning about bats’ sleep cycles in science class, and he kind of half-assed it too—all he said was, “You guys haven’t seen my dad at my house because he’s nocturnal,” and left it at that. Here’s a suggestion, Brandon: Try at least waiting till the day after we read a whole textbook chapter on nocturnal animals to come up with a bold-ass lie like this one. And if your dad moved states to try to find work, you can just come out and say that.




Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish