Homepage / Fake News / 6 Reasons Brandon Gave For Why His Dad Isn’t Around That Are Definitely Bullshit
List: Signs You’re Under a Spell Cast By a Chill AF Retired Sorcerer With a Ponytail and a Peace Sign Tattoo Defiant Pelosi Begins Swimming To Afghanistan After Trump Denies Use Of Government Plane Trump Postpones Grand Opening Of Trump Tower Moscow Until Fuss Over Bombshell Report Dies Down Michael Cohen Says He Paid To Rig Polls In Trump’s Favor Trump Dismisses Trump As A Distraction ‘If This Report Is True’ To Be Repeated 5.7 Billion Times Today Patriots Score 2 Touchdowns Against Chiefs In Preemptive Strike Before AFC Championship Game Inside Mike Trapp's Gross New Animated Series ICE Launches Campaign To Reunite Immigrant Children With Arresting Officer Wow, Nobody Tells Me Anything Painfully Honest L.L. Bean Product Descriptions for Urbanites Fans Shocked After Marie Kondo Reveals She Has Been Dating Untidy Cupboard For Past 6 Months Tom Brady Feeling Guilty After Gorging Self On Full Order Of Kansas-City-Style Tap Water Woman Didn’t Know Progress On Toxic Masculinity Would Turn Boyfriend Into Such A Weepy Little Pansy U.S. Taxpayers To Get Income Tax Refund Due To Government Shutdown | Adobo Chronicles Ready For Her Close-Up: This Actress Is Ready For Her Close-Up Is Your Aunt Peggy Paparazzi or Is She Just a Monster? Genetic Tests Reveal Jayme Closs's Abductor 2% Mexican 4 Times In ‘Legally Blonde’ Where Reese Witherspoon Breaks Character To Explain That Women Aren’t Going To Get A Better Movie Than This For The Next 20 Years Man Nervous About Telling Date He Has Her Kids Ames Executives Scrambling After New Shovel Design Leaks 5 Things To Know About ‘Glass’ Pelosi Asks Trump To Delay State of the Union During Shutdown John Bolton Insists Iran Likely Harboring Dangerous Terrorist Osama Bin Laden ‘Don’t Make Me Regret This,’ Mueller Tells Rick Gates Before Uncuffing Him To Work On Investigation Together The Wall Leaves a Series of Voicemails for President Trump Could This Be The Last Season We See Rob Gronkowski Fully Assembled In A Patriots Uniform? Poll Finds 100% Of Americans Blame Shutdown Entirely On Colorado Representative Scott Tipton List: What I Imagine Being an English Butler is Like Karen Pence Returns To Work As Part-Time Nude Art Model How To Sound Smart Presumptuous Congressional Freshman Thinks She Can Just Come In And Represent Constituents Zamboni Jams Up After Running Over Large Patch Of Loose Teeth Netflix Raising Prices The Universe Tells Me | Points in Case List: The 5 Best Garnishes for an Egg Salad Sandwich on the Subway Fox News Debuts Premium Channel For 24-Hour Coverage Of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez There No Way Of Knowing Whether The Vague Award Mom Won At Work A Big Deal Or What U.K. Parliament Rejects Theresa May’s Brexit Deal The Survival Guide for Open Mics Woman Rushes To Hide Fragile Objects, Cover Up Sharp Corners On Tables Before Boyfriend Comes Over Artists Draw Ugly Babies Lincoln Memorial Empty After Former President’s Statue Furloughed New Hampshire Legislature Passes Bill Naming Fentanyl State Opiate Furloughed Government Employee Using Time Off To Visit Local Food Pantry She Been Hearing About Photo Of Egg Breaks World Record For Most-Liked Instagram Post Cute Winter Date Activities To Do Right Before You Break Up Pros And Cons Of Pet Insurance This Dog Is Way Too Happy About Smelling Cancer List: You Won’t Believe the Names of Charles Dickens’ Top Five Male Porn Stars Mom Wants To Know If You Could Use Grandma’s Antique, 12-Person Dining Room Table In Your Studio Apartment Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 15, 2019 Universe Admits We’re Here to Keep up with the Kardashians Man Crouched Inside Of Robotic Welding Arm Terrified Robot Will Eventually Take His Job Fed-Up EU Rejects United Kingdom, Gives British 30 Days To Vacate Europe Lady Gaga Has Second Thoughts About Her “Do What You Want (With My Body)” Duet with R Kelly. Chuck Schumer Honestly Pretty Amazed He Hasn’t Caved Yet Progressive Populism: A Different Kind of Political Beauty GOP Leaders Condemn Steve King For White Supremacy Comment NBA Ref Petrified After Seeing Depiction Of Own Death While Looking Under Replay Hood Viagra Announces Real Medicine That Gave Customers Erections Was Confidence All Along Poll Shows Increasing Number Of Voters Blame Founding Fathers For Starting America The Gruesome Truth About Parasites [Full Episode] Victorian Courtship Etiquette That I, A Millennial Male, Am In Favor of Rekindling William Barr Assures Senate He Will Let Donald Trump Finish His Job Without Any Interference Government Shutdowns By The Numbers FBI Opened Inquiry Into Whether Trump Working For Russians I Just Found Out My Hot Gay Boyfriend Is Also My Twin Brother Tinder Announces App Will No Longer Match Users Solely With Distant Relatives Advisors Instruct William Barr To Avoid Referring To Trump As ‘My Liege’ During Confirmation Hearing Most Americans Blame Trump For Shutdown Furloughed Federal Employee Starts Online Search For New Government GOP Strips Steve King Of Post On Powerful House Segregation Committee 2005 Minnesota Vikings (with Rob O'Connor) ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Excited To Hear Series Will Finally Be Over A Computer Co-Wrote this Sketch Christmas Really Over, Man Realizes As iPhone Game Switches Out Holiday Icon R&B Singer Guesses She’ll Just Keep Moaning Into Mic Until Song Is Over List: Chuck Norris Would Like to Revisit His Facts Nation’s Idiots Announce Plans To Jump Off Their Roofs Into A Pile Of Snow And Break Their Fucking Legs Tips To Become a Better Job Hunter & Gatherer I’m Orville Redenbacher’s Dad and I Think His Popcorn Sucks Ass White Nationalists Accuse Google of Anti-Nazi Bias When He Doesn't Get the Hint [Full Episode] The Lemon Water You Drank in an Attempt to Detox Needs Back-Up Let Me and the 10 Demons That Possess Me Host the Oscars Locker Rooms Bilbo Gets Trolled The Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez ‘I’ve Never Had Sex’ Interview Pt 2 Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Instant Pot Recipes for Angering Everyone The Humor Times Needs Your Help! The Trump Family Intervention – Marilyn Sands, Humor Times The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Senator Chuck Grassley and Former Senator Orrin Hatch A Day in the Life of Timothée Chalamet’s Stylist Oh No, Did We Hurt Brennan's Feelings? Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Admits: ‘I’ve Never Had Real Sex!’ | You make the news…We report it! List: Official Ranking of Every Hollywood “Chris” Ethan Hawke’s Body Found Dumped In Laurel Canyon As 2019 Oscar Race Heats Up I Will Continue to Block the Slide Until We Build a Wall Separating Our Recess from Mrs. Montgomery’s Class This Amazing New Anti-Bullying Campaign Reminds Kids That Even Though Bullying Might Be Fun, Rewarding, And Cool, It Can Sometimes Make You Tired

Fake News

6 Reasons Brandon Gave For Why His Dad Isn’t Around That Are Definitely Bullshit

Brandon’s dad never comes to soccer games or school field trips and clearly doesn’t live with Brandon and his family, but Brandon is always making up totally dumbass excuses as to why. Here are six reasons Brandon gave for why his dad isn’t around that everyone can tell are grade-A bullshit.

1. He’s on the Olympic basketball team: When Brandon’s dad didn’t come to the sixth-grade production of Into The Woods this month, Brandon made a big show of telling everybody that his dad couldn’t make it because he was busy being a power forward on the U.S. Olympic basketball team. Seriously, Brandon? The last Summer Olympics were a long-ass time ago, and we would have noticed if someone with your last name who looked like you had been competing. We all know your dad isn’t around these days, but we’re not fucking buying that it’s because—at age 43—he made it onto the Olympic basketball team. Jesus Christ, Brandon, do you think we’re all idiots or something?

2. He’s having surgery to get his arm replaced with a super-strong bionic arm: Yeah, this one is some pure goddamn horseshit. The other day when someone asked Brandon if his dad was going to pick him up from soccer practice, he told this elaborate story about how his dad got selected by the U.S. Army to test out a bionic arm it developed strong enough to punch straight through an alligator’s skull. When someone asked him why the U.S. Army would need that, Brandon said that it was so it could finally kill the alligator that assassinated Martin Luther King Jr., but when Kody pointed out that it wouldn’t make sense for Brandon’s dad to be the one to do that since he’s an electrician and not in the military, Brandon just said that he was late for gym class and ran off. We don’t know whether Brandon’s dad got sick, or he left, or he got a job in a different town or something, but it’s pretty obvious that he isn’t at the Pentagon having surgery to get a bionic arm.

3. He had to go into the witness protection program after he saw El Chapo rob a Starbucks: According to Brandon, his dad had to change his name to “Max Desastre” and move to Iceland so that he wouldn’t get murdered for watching El Chapo rob a Starbucks. More fucking likely he had a fight with Brandon’s mom and went down to Florida to live with his older brother for a while.

4. He’s trapped at the top of Kingda Ka: This year when Brandon’s dad didn’t make it to Brandon’s birthday party, Brandon said it was because his dad had been trapped at the top of Kingda Ka for three months and the fire department couldn’t figure out how to get him down. Aside from the fact that there’s no way it would take more than a day to get somebody down from there, Brandon basically used the same excuse last year when he said that his dad got stuck against the wall of the Gravitron ride at the boardwalk and a team of scientists from MIT had to come in and reverse the centripetal force that was pinning him there. Either way, Brandon just needs to own up to the fact that his dad is definitely not living with him at the moment.

5. He became a live-in nurse for Eminem: Brandon, what the fuck? It’s fine that your dad isn’t around for some reason, but stop trying to act like it’s because he’s Eminem’s live-in caretaker. Brandon seems to expect us to believe that Eminem’s agent hired Brandon’s dad to feed Eminem every two hours, because if Eminem gets too hungry he’ll go berserk and write another mean song about his mom. Plus, Brandon keeps adding all these details about how his dad lives in Eminem’s shed, and the shed is full of poisonous spiders, but the poisonous spiders don’t bite his dad because they’re loyal to Eminem and they know he’s Eminem’s friend. Basically, none of that makes any fucking sense, and it’s pretty clear that Brandon is making it up on the fly every time he explains it. This has to be one of Brandon’s all-time most-bullshit excuses for why his dad isn’t around.

6. He’s nocturnal: Brandon obviously only came up with this one after learning about bats’ sleep cycles in science class, and he kind of half-assed it too—all he said was, “You guys haven’t seen my dad at my house because he’s nocturnal,” and left it at that. Here’s a suggestion, Brandon: Try at least waiting till the day after we read a whole textbook chapter on nocturnal animals to come up with a bold-ass lie like this one. And if your dad moved states to try to find work, you can just come out and say that.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.