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Fake News

5 Signs Your Subpar Boyfriend is a Total Keeper

Layyyydeez! Enough of this female empowerment nonsense, am I right? I’m tired of acting like my self-worth doesn’t revolve around having a man piece. It’s time to appreciate our men!

I’ve taken the liberty of creating a comprehensive checklist to help you decide if your second-rate dude is a “keeper.” Follow this list blindly. Don’t trust your gut and whatever you do, do not use your brain! Brains are gross and mushy.

1. He has a pulse.

If you landed a guy with a beating heart, you better sink your gel-manicured nails into that hunkasaurus and hold on tight! It’s not always easy finding a guy who is both genuine and alive.

You know the saying, “There are plenty of fish in the sea?” Well, a lot of those fish are dead. Why? I don’t know—something about water pollution and the world ending. Whatever. Science is stupid.

Back to what really matters: keeping your man.

He has vital signs. That is more than half the battle. Actually, that’s it. That’s the whole battle. You’ve won. Now make sure you get a ring on that finger so you can post a picture on Instagram with the caption “Can’t wait to marry my best friend” so you can let all of your followers know that your life finally has meaning.

2. He’s allows you to live almost every day.

Girrrrrrl, if your man has never tried to poison your iced coffee with ethylene glycol, you better grab that non-poison yielding hand of his and sprint on over to the chapel to make it official!

Not to get too philosophical here but…bitches be cray. Between our purse addictions and our claims of sexual harassment from guys who are, let’s face it, just being super nice and cute (aren’t you flattered when a man chases you around a party saying he “won’t leave you alone until you kiss him?” Do you even know what romance is?), we can be a lot to handle.

So it’s understandable for a guy to get a little murder-y once in a while. Reward your man for resisting the urge to kill you. Many good soldiers have succumbed to it. Just ask that lil cutie Ted Bundy. (Dammit! He’s dead. See? That pesky “being alive” quality strikes again!)

3. He shows you basic common courtesies like saying “bless you” when you sneeze and he refrains from calling your mom a “bitch.”

If this applies to you, Prince Charming’s got nothing on your dude!

Sneezing is disgusting and yeah it’s an “involuntary human reflex” or whatever but let’s face it, ladies are supposed to produce babies, not mucus! If you find that your man hands you a tissue after you’ve engaged in such an unfeminine act, get your butt into the kitchen and whip him up whatever he wants (same applies in the bedroom ladies!).

Also, your mom was being a bitch when she refused to keep paying your cell phone bill because “you’re 28 years old, gainfully employed, and just spent $500 on throw pillows.” Your guy of course knows that. He nods along while you rant about how much she sucks but never says the “B” word because he is a gentleman.

4. He think it’s cute when you eat human food.

The general rule when eating in front of men we desire is this: DON’T. The only exceptions are baby carrots and throat lozenges.

But if you decide to go rogue and abandon what it means to be a woman and order shrimp tacos at dinner… and your man doesn’t immediately projectile vomit at the idea of his lady consuming solid food—oh daaaaayuuuuum, you’ve found the real thing!

The fact that he allows you to insert nutrients into your body in front of him and somehow still finds you sexually desirable, well, that’s love in its purest form.

5. He doesn’t throw garbage at you.

We have all, as lady folk, dated a guy who’s had a rough day or two. Maybe his fantasy football team lost, or he found out that Victoria’s Secret models poop. Whatever it is, he’s not happy so obviously he throws trash at you to blow off some steam. You know, banana peels, old egg salad, half eaten muffins. There are times when the stress gets to be too much for the physically and mentally stronger gender.

You know the saying: “Sometimes a guy’s just gotta throw some garbage at his lady!” I know math is hard but count your lucky stars that you found a guy who can refrain from participating in this understandably tempting act. This means he is truly evolved.

If you’ve checked off every item on this list, congratulations, you have yourself a keeper!

What’s next? Whatever your guy wants! Sex, a sandwich, animal sacrifice…. It’s not easy to land a beau; do what you have to do, girls. And remember: standards are for uggos and chubsters!

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