Homepage / Fake News / 5 Signs Your Subpar Boyfriend is a Total Keeper
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (February 21st, 2018 Edition) Panicked Billy Graham Realizes He Took Wrong Turn Into Heaven’s Largest Gay Neighborhood Passengers Praying Uber Just A Hobby For Elderly Driver Man Just Going To Assume This Counts As ‘Minced’ Why Ron Swanson Was the Worst Character On Parks & Rec Nation’s Older Brothers Recommend Not Being Such A Little Bitch The Realities of Being a “California Girl”: SoCal vs NorCal A College Student Considers the Irony of Modern Life Was Being Transported to King Arthur’s Court and Charged With Saving Camelot Really the Best Way to Learn Self-Confidence or Whatever? Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 20, 2018 ‘Brain Games’ Recalls Thousands Of Defective Word Puzzles That Gave Users Alzheimer’s Man Crushed By Lack Of Filth On Q-Tip Pulled From Ear 90% Of Americans Strongly Opposed To Each Other Scientists Create First Sheep-Human Hybrids 14 Math Equations that Explain the Trump Administration Capsizing Boat Passes U.S. In Global Quality Of Life Rankings  Ant Hoping Queen Will Notice Pretzel Crumb He Got Her Olympic Figure Skating Inspires Thousands Of Little Girls To Drop Couple Hundred On Skates They'll Use Once How Twitter Addresses User Complaints Russian Bots Announce New Fragrance Line, Gets 1.3 Million Likes Up, Up, And Astray Are You Addicted to Click? Conquer Your Year with CloseTabuary My Bhutanese Drama Students Want to Recreate “Son of the Mask” and I Have No Idea What to Do AR-15 Appointed As Secretary of Health and Human Services AR-15 Appointed As Secretary of Health and Human Services Charles Manson’s Body Still On Ice Due To Dispute Teen On Brink Of Experiencing Incredible Journey Of Motherhood Instead Asks Boyfriend To Use Condom The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 19, 2018 Area Ladder Never Thought It Would End Up A Bookcase Pet Turtle Going Hog Wild On Terrarium’s New Stick ‘I’m Going To Hell For Laughing At This Meme,’ Says Man Going To Hell For Helping Little Sister Get Abortion Sources of Greenhouse Gases Identified I Won’t Eat Caribou Unless It’s Slaughtered By at Least a Somewhat Automatic Weapon 4 Ways for Audiophiles to Drown Out the Sounds of a Dying Cat How H&R Cockblock Saved My Taxes and Stole My Woman Opinion: Less Guns Means More Mass Killing by Cutlery Offering ‘Thoughts and Prayers’ Just Don’t Fly No More: Hot Air Always Dissipates Trump Renews Call to Promote Mentally Ill A Comedian Made a Joke About the Holocaust, and Now I Feel Unsafe Someone Broke Into Our Hulu Account An Ode to the Five Pairs of Shoes Who’ve Been With Me Through Everything ‘Oh God, What Happened Last Night?’ Says Groggy Mike Pence After Waking Up In Same Bed As Wife Doubles Luge to Add More Men to Sled for next Games FBI Quickly Follows Up On Tip About Potentially Dangerous Man Who Killed 17 In School Shooting The Self-Applauding President… but Will He Go Blind? Uphill Skiing Competition Enters 6th Day Trump, Truth and the Lantern of Dreams Cute New Dog Helping Single Man Pick Up Tons Of Hot Shit The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews White House Advisor Stephen Miller Male Dogs Twice As Likely To Win At Westminster Dog Show Nation Hears Voices Encouraging It To Buy Gun What It's Like Being An Adult Getting a Credit Card For the First Time Raytheon Unveils Military Robot Capable Of Composing Poignant Poems About Horrors Of War The 6 Stages of Watching an Olympic Sport Episode 3: Calloway Day If Movies Had Honest Titles (February 2018 Edition) Archaeologists Unearth Ivory Trumpet Dating Back To Prehistoric Jazz Age Man Looking For Job That Plays To His Natural Talent For Half-Assing Things Man Hates It When Trailer Gives Away Entire Premise Of Movie Hi, I'm Paul Ryan, And I'm Pretty Much an Ogre At This Point North Korea Linked To Upsurge In UK Cycling @TwitterSupport Your Platform Won’t Allow Me to Unfollow the American President In Exclusive Interview “World’s Most Interesting Man” Endorses SatireWorld New York City Pizzerias Rated by How Good They Are for Hiding from Your Ex-Wife Trying to Collect Her Alimony Check 3 Years After the Breakup, I Finally Stopped Drunk Texting My Ex’s Mom, Pam I Used A Robot To Write A Comic And It Got Very Weird The Cherry Pickers | HumorFeed New School Shooter Drill Includes Practicing Pleas To Lawmakers To Do Something About This Under New Budget The Department Of Housing And Urban Development (HUD) Is Now Just UD ‘Sports Illustrated’ Publishes First Swimsuit Issue Of #MeToo Movement Long-term couple say Valentine’s Day was ‘nothing special’ But I’m Oppressed! (SPOILER: No You’re Not!) (2/4) Tips For Treating A Bed Bug Infestation Veteran Congressman Can Still Remember When Inaction On Gun Violence Actually Presented A Moral Dilemma Thousands Of Dismembered Crash Test Dummies Line Newly Discovered Catacombs Beneath Ford Motor Plant Bad Polling Is Ruining Everything Woman In Commercial Doing Yoga To Narration Of Drug's Fatal Side Effects I’m Sick and Tired of Congress Politicizing Tragedies Like the One I’m About to Perpetrate John Kelly Apologizes For Assuming Everyone Would Ignore Abuse Allegations Like They Do In Military Stop Telling Kids How Easy They Have It White House Compare Potential Food Stamps Replacement Program To ‘Blue Apron’ Trump Surprises Melania With A Romantic Dinner For One Relationship Experts Say Mailing Body Part To Ex On Valentine’s Day Only Way To Win Them Back Donald Trump Spends Another Valentine's Day Completely Alone Lone, Weak Bystander Targeted By Pack Of Female Friends Who Want Their Picture Taken Chloe Kim Recalls Growing Up Under Parents' Intense Pressure To Just Chillax And Shred The Gnar Gnar An Olympian’s Guide to Having Sex with Athletes Living Under Various Forms of Government PetSmart Introduces Heart-Shaped Puppy For Valentine’s Day Stan Lee’s Cameo in My Life as My Dad Has Officially Gone From “Kind of Endearing” to “Where is the Film Crew Hiding?” 89% Of Husbands Planning To Surprise Wife On Valentine’s Day By Dressing As Naked, Chubby Cherub Funniest Poker Moments – Humor Times, Humor Times ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens The South is Rising Again ‘Peter Rabbit’ Film Criticized For Making Light Of Allergies The Cherry Pickers – Will Durst, Humor Times Shuddering Astrid Menks Comes Home To Trail Of Rose Petals Leading To Nude, Spread-Eagle Warren Buffett Schnauzers Rioting Outside Madison Square Garden Following Westminster Dog Show Defeat Snowy Mountain In Pyeongchang Figures It Can Withstand 1 Or 2 More Big Cheers Before Triggering Avalanche What All 17 Year Olds Who Aren’t Winning Olympic Golds Are Doing Teddy Bear Feels Terrible For Sparking ‘What Are We?’ Conversation

Fake News

5 Signs Your Subpar Boyfriend is a Total Keeper

Buy the Wine Cloud T-Shirt at Awkward T-shirts
dab on them haters t-shirt
I Believe in ReinCATnation T-Shirt Amazon.com
Funny Books Reading T-Shirt Amazon.com
Funny Breaking News T-Shirt Amazon.com

Layyyydeez! Enough of this female empowerment nonsense, am I right? I’m tired of acting like my self-worth doesn’t revolve around having a man piece. It’s time to appreciate our men!

I’ve taken the liberty of creating a comprehensive checklist to help you decide if your second-rate dude is a “keeper.” Follow this list blindly. Don’t trust your gut and whatever you do, do not use your brain! Brains are gross and mushy.

1. He has a pulse.

If you landed a guy with a beating heart, you better sink your gel-manicured nails into that hunkasaurus and hold on tight! It’s not always easy finding a guy who is both genuine and alive.

You know the saying, “There are plenty of fish in the sea?” Well, a lot of those fish are dead. Why? I don’t know—something about water pollution and the world ending. Whatever. Science is stupid.

Back to what really matters: keeping your man.

He has vital signs. That is more than half the battle. Actually, that’s it. That’s the whole battle. You’ve won. Now make sure you get a ring on that finger so you can post a picture on Instagram with the caption “Can’t wait to marry my best friend” so you can let all of your followers know that your life finally has meaning.

2. He’s allows you to live almost every day.

Girrrrrrl, if your man has never tried to poison your iced coffee with ethylene glycol, you better grab that non-poison yielding hand of his and sprint on over to the chapel to make it official!

Not to get too philosophical here but…bitches be cray. Between our purse addictions and our claims of sexual harassment from guys who are, let’s face it, just being super nice and cute (aren’t you flattered when a man chases you around a party saying he “won’t leave you alone until you kiss him?” Do you even know what romance is?), we can be a lot to handle.

So it’s understandable for a guy to get a little murder-y once in a while. Reward your man for resisting the urge to kill you. Many good soldiers have succumbed to it. Just ask that lil cutie Ted Bundy. (Dammit! He’s dead. See? That pesky “being alive” quality strikes again!)

3. He shows you basic common courtesies like saying “bless you” when you sneeze and he refrains from calling your mom a “bitch.”

If this applies to you, Prince Charming’s got nothing on your dude!

Sneezing is disgusting and yeah it’s an “involuntary human reflex” or whatever but let’s face it, ladies are supposed to produce babies, not mucus! If you find that your man hands you a tissue after you’ve engaged in such an unfeminine act, get your butt into the kitchen and whip him up whatever he wants (same applies in the bedroom ladies!).

Also, your mom was being a bitch when she refused to keep paying your cell phone bill because “you’re 28 years old, gainfully employed, and just spent $500 on throw pillows.” Your guy of course knows that. He nods along while you rant about how much she sucks but never says the “B” word because he is a gentleman.

4. He think it’s cute when you eat human food.

The general rule when eating in front of men we desire is this: DON’T. The only exceptions are baby carrots and throat lozenges.

But if you decide to go rogue and abandon what it means to be a woman and order shrimp tacos at dinner… and your man doesn’t immediately projectile vomit at the idea of his lady consuming solid food—oh daaaaayuuuuum, you’ve found the real thing!

The fact that he allows you to insert nutrients into your body in front of him and somehow still finds you sexually desirable, well, that’s love in its purest form.

5. He doesn’t throw garbage at you.

We have all, as lady folk, dated a guy who’s had a rough day or two. Maybe his fantasy football team lost, or he found out that Victoria’s Secret models poop. Whatever it is, he’s not happy so obviously he throws trash at you to blow off some steam. You know, banana peels, old egg salad, half eaten muffins. There are times when the stress gets to be too much for the physically and mentally stronger gender.

You know the saying: “Sometimes a guy’s just gotta throw some garbage at his lady!” I know math is hard but count your lucky stars that you found a guy who can refrain from participating in this understandably tempting act. This means he is truly evolved.

If you’ve checked off every item on this list, congratulations, you have yourself a keeper!

What’s next? Whatever your guy wants! Sex, a sandwich, animal sacrifice…. It’s not easy to land a beau; do what you have to do, girls. And remember: standards are for uggos and chubsters!

Source link