Homepage / Fake News / 5 Signs Your Boyfriend is Just Your New Dermatologist
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Fake News

5 Signs Your Boyfriend is Just Your New Dermatologist

It’s been a while since you’ve really dated, but this new relationship already seems different. He’s never late, he actually listens when you speak, and he even offers you water when he senses you’re dehydrated. (It’s so cute when he cares about your survival!) The relationship really seems to be on the right track, and yet, there’s a gut-wrenching pit in your stomach forcing you to face a reality you’ve so desperately tried to avoid: is he your boyfriend or did you just get a new dermatologist?

Putting “labels” on a relationship can cause stress for any new couple, and the “what are we talk” can be super scary to bring up. It may be too early to broach the topic with your partner but it’s never too early to look for signs that your boyfriend might actually be your new dermatologist.

He’s obsessed with your skin

At first it was sweet! Your last boyfriend never noticed your glow, even after you switched to a $57 moisturizer the lady at Sephora “like, totally swore by.” But this feels a little overboard… asking you to undress and put on a crunchy disposable gown that only covers the front half of your body so he can “check everything out.” You don’t even know his middle name yet. Seems soon.

He introduced you to his “new assistant” Linda, who will be asking you a few questions before he sees you

Okay, “Linda.” You just started dating and already, he trying to add another woman into the equation? You’re all for experimentation and trying new things, but he should get to know you before getting Linda involved. You’re clearly there to see him, not his new assistant Linda, and he’s not respecting that. Plus, you don’t know where Linda’s been.

Why is Linda asking you your “sex?” Did he purposely send her to dig up dirt on your previous relationships? If he has a question for you, he should ask you himself. Red flag.

He’s always taking “a quick look at your lumps”

Now that you’ve changed into the disposable robe, he’s insistent on taking “a quick look at your lumps,” a phrase that immediately makes you want to coil up and die when you hear it and he’s said it at least three times. You’re excited about this new relationship, but you’re not thrilled about how often the word “lumps” has found its way into the conversation. You’ve made several passive aggressive attempts to tell him how much you hate this by repeating exactly what he said, but making it sexy.

“Yes, let’s check out what I’ve got goin’ on under here,” you said.

He did not take the bait.

He’s currently injecting an unknown liquid into your face.

Woah. This feels, um, fast.

You literally just started dating and already he’s injecting a strange, unknown substance directly into the middle portion of your forehead that should (within seconds) make you look five to seven years younger? You understand the foundation of all healthy relationships is trust, but you weren’t ready to take things this far today.

On the bright side, he does keep bringing up alternative rejuvenating treatments that he’d “love to try down the road.” So he is thinking long-term… cute!

He diagnosed you with cancer.

After taking a second look at one your lumps, he breaks the news that you do, in fact, have cancer. The pigment of the border of the spot surrounding your skin has spread, and there’s redness swelling beyond the border of your mole. The surface of the mole is cause for concern, to say the least, as it both oozes and aggressively bleeds when he lightly touches it. “This clearly looks like melanoma,” he says. God, it’s so hot when he’s direct.

The truth is, navigating new relationships can be tricky, even when you feel like you do have all the answers. Trust your gut, follow your instincts, and if you’re still unsure whether or not your boyfriend is just your new dermatologist, don’t be afraid to schedule five more appointments this week to find out.

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