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Fake News

5 Messed Up Things About ‘Sesame Street’ No One Ever Talks About


1. Cookie Monster never actually eats any cookies.

Cookie Monster is one resident of Sesame Street who actually lives up to his name, but not in the way most people might think. He’s not a monster who loves cookies – he’s the monster that all cookies should fear. For Cookie Monster doesn’t love eating cookies – he just wants to DESTROY them.

Cookie Monster never eats a single cookie. He never ingests any of them – just mashes them up in his hideous black maw and spits the chunks back onto the floor so that no one can enjoy them. And he does this whenever he sees any cookies – and does it to EVERY cookie there is. He doesn’t leave any behind for anyone else – he must ruin ALL OF THE COOKIES. He is truly a monster.

2. Vegetables are sentient…but they’re still food.

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Here’s a weird thing about the larger Muppet-verse as a whole – what’s the deal with food? Vegetables and fruits are often seen being eaten as normal food, but then other times….we see that vegetables and fruits are sentient beings, who can talk and think and move, all on their own accord. So are the vegetarians in the world of Sesame Street still essentially carnivores? They’re killing and consuming actual living, thinking beings – which is actually A LOT worse than most IRL carnivores, because at least (most) animals that are slaughtered for meat can’t CONVERSE WITH YOU about the morality of all of that.

But the vegetables on Sesame Street CAN. And maybe you think there’s a difference between sentient and non-sentient vegetables that is just never really made clear, right? WRONG. They have specifically indicated that the talking vegetables not only are the same as the food vegetables, but they are in fact ENCOURAGING PEOPLE TO EAT THEM AND THEIR BRETHREN.

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In the season 42 episode, “Veggies Revolt”, a piece of broccoli leads a protest on Sesame Street, complaining that vegetables aren’t being eaten enough. Time after time, the vegetables freak out when other people decide not to eat their veggies, or say that they don’t like to eat veggies. The veggie horde is only satisfied once all of the people on Sesame Street start eating vegetables again and sing a song in praise of how delicious and nutritious eating vegetables are.

Yes – they love to hear that people ENJOY CONSUMING THEIR BODIES FOR SUSTENANCE.

3. The Count isn’t what you think he is…

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I mean, I get it – he’s a “count” in the mold of Count Dracula and his whole thing is that he loves counting. That’s a nice enough pun, but does it justify a VAMPIRE LIVING IN THIS QUAINT UPPER WESTSIDE NEW YORK NEIGHBORHOOD? There is really nothing like The Count – everyone else is cute nondescript “monsters” or animals, or actual people. There are no other evil creatures of legend hanging around Mr. Hooper’s store – just The Count.

But here’s the really crazy thing about The Count – he’s NOT a vampire.

Yes, you read that right. The fangs, the fondness for bats, the castle…all just a coincidence. According to the 2001 edition of Sesame Street Muppets Drawing Guide, the official reference for drawing Sesame Street characters, The Count is specifically “not a vampire.” This is likely to do with the fact that this is a show for children, and within the last few decades became more cognizant that it might be a little freaky for young children that a character on Sesame Street is feasting on the flesh and blood of virgins at night.

Complicating things is a recent Wired video, wherein the cast of Sesame Street answers often Googled questions about them – including “is the count from sesame street a vampire”, to which The Count responds:

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So – generally – he DOES identify as a vampire, but doesn’t suck blood or have any of the weaknesses to traditional vampires, and technically isn’t an actual vampire (even though he claims to be). That’s the deal with The Count.

4. The Muppet characters are living in a state of arrested development Hell

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Sesame Street is a unique franchise, in that it has consistently been on the air, creating new episodes, for nearly 50 years now. 50 years! That’s an incredible feat, and a testament to the quality and care that has always gone into the show. But that also brings up some very strange questions – why are all of the Muppet characters trapped in a limbo-esque existence?

Time moves forward on Sesame Street – the human characters age and die, technology gets updated, and references stay with the times. The only thing that doesn’t change are the Muppets themselves. And it wouldn’t be THAT big a deal for many of them – Oscar the Grouch, Bert & Ernie, etc. are all adults who have matured, so their state of frozen semi-immortality isn’t quite that big a deal. But it IS a big deal for the “child” characters, like Big Bird and Elmo.

Big Bird is supposed to “represent” a six year old’s perspective, and Elmo is meant to be a character that’s around three years old. This is to make the show relatable to younger viewers by having characters who act, think, and view the world the same way they do. Big Bird needs help understanding broad concepts about the world (famously, understanding death), while Elmo needs more basic help – learning things about shapes and colors and numbers. But here’s the thing: Elmo has been learning his numbers and shapes for DECADES now. And he’s not getting any smarter.

While Sesame Street is a paradise for most, it is Hell for Big Bird and Elmo – and they’re too “young” to even comprehend that. They are not growing or maturing or retaining any learning – they are forever trapped in the minds of children, incapable of aging or reaching adulthood. They are stuck being taught BASIC concepts about the world every single day, with no signs of any of it sticking.

It’s almost like they’re all vampires – which would actually be a decent fan theory: the reason why no one questions the Count’s presence is because the Count turned EVERY Muppet on Sesame Street into a vampire too, and he is their unquestioned master and sire.

5. I STILL CAN’T FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET TO SESAME STREET.

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An upper westside neighborhood where everyone seems to live in brownstones, regardless of whether or not they seem to have jobs or any money? A nice, crime-free NYC neighborhood that hasn’t been gentrified to hell by wealthy developers? Where neighbors are friendly and help one another? ANSWER THE PREMISE OF YOUR THEME SONG, FOR GOD’S SAKE: HOW DO I GET TO THIS MYTHICAL PLACE?!






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