Homepage / Fake News / 4 Reasons You Will Fall Asleep During Sex in Your 20’s
Heaven Can't Wait National Fraternity Conference Chooses Least MILF-ish Celebrities Canada Starts Legal Marijuana Sales Elizabeth Warren Refuses To Withdraw Candidacy and Announces Presidential Bid How To Charge Your Phone Faster Sprinter Feels Like An Idiot After Finding Out About Jogging Thom Yorke Admits Vast Majority Of Musical Output Fueled By Constant Fear Of Being One-Upped By Coldplay Lottery Ticket Holder Has Already Spent $900 Million In Anticipation Of Winning Big Prize Why Candy Corn Is the Best Halloween Candy, Hands Down Judge Denies Manafort Request To Wear Suit In Court Embarrassed CDC Announces It Accidentally Switched Flu Shots With HIV The Midterm Intervention | HumorFeed A Book Review Of Madeleine Albright’s ‘Fascism: A Warning’ Yankee Candle Clarifies That Product Only Intended To Be Dripped On Balls C-3PO's Origins & HP Lovecraft | Um Actually AC/DC’s next release to be a concept album based on The Krankies I Lost 80 Pounds Just by Exorcising the Demon That was Inhabiting My Body Finding A Great Woman Online: Is It Possible? New Ted Cruz Attack Ad Declares Beto O’Rourke Too Good For Texas Spot Where Dog Vomit Cleaned Up Now Noticeably Cleaner Than Surrounding Floor Is Sen. Warren Featured In The Pocahontas Exhibit At The National Museum Of The American Indian? Viewer Discretion Advised President Implicates Mysterious 400 Pound Man In Journalist’s Disappearance The 4 Disgusting People Who Led Me To Abandon The Priesthood After My Hand Touched Their Tongue While Feeding Them A Communion Wafer Sears Files For Bankruptcy Texas Rangers Asking Taxpayers To Cover 60% Of Bribes Related To New Stadium The Onion’s Guide To Blockchain Technology Elizabeth Warren Releases DNA Test On Native American Ancestry The Midterm Intervention – Will Durst, Humor Times Authorities Say Blacklight Analysis Shows Velvet Poster Of Mushroom Kingdom Looking Even Cooler Than Previously Imagined Melania Trump’s Plane Forced To Make Emergency Landing After Smoke Begins Billowing Out Of First Lady Front-Porch Politics: Everyone Wants Populist Reforms All The Good Sentiments On ‘Get Well Soon’ Card Already Taken Why 'Rings' Has the Dumbest Horror Movie Ending Ever Financial Experts Recommend Young Grifters Start Laying Groundwork For Long Con By 25 Only I Can Insult My Mom House Haunters: HGTV’s New Spooky Halloween Show Homemade DNA Test Proves Trump Boys Are At Least One Jar Blood 5 Party Games For People With Social Anxiety Trump: ‘The Only Way To Find Out What Happened At The Saudi Consulate Is To Send In More Journalists One At A Time’ Dad Apparently Using Spanish Accent To Pronounce Middle Eastern Food Now Arkansas City Posts Bid To Host 2032 Summer Olympic Games Has Your Mother Been Seduced Into Joining a Polygamist Cult? University Suspends All Lightweights From Campus Following Fraternity Hazing Death Saudis Admit Journalist Khashoggi Died During Botched Assassination Attempt Smiley Face Doodled On Check Commemorates Undeniable Chemistry Between Waiter, Ericson Family Tips For Giving A Great Wedding Toast Golden State Raises 2018, 2019, 2020 Championship Banners This Angry Mob Is Never Going To Grow Until We’re More Welcoming To New Members Democratic Candidate Blows Fundraising Lead On Massive 15-Story Lawn Sign ‘The Conners’ Premieres Without Roseanne Barr ‘Roseanne’ Spinoff Showrunner Hopes Big Puddle Of Blood In Kitchen Enough To Explain Main Character’s Disappearance Smitten, Trump Hires Kanye at Lunch Mike Pompeo Impressed By Realism Of Saudis’ Halloween Decorations The Jerry Duncan Show interviews Justice Brett Kavanaugh and Senator Diane Feinstein Melania’s Heart Sinks After Realizing Husband Uses Pet Name ‘Horseface’ For Every Woman He Fucks The 6 Stages of Repressing Your Anger Poll Finds U.S. Global Image Down, Especially Among Allies 8 People On Social Media Who Should Be Considered Criminals State Election Commission Chases Wild Animals Out Of Voting Booths In Preparation For Upcoming Midterms Clash of the Corn Cuties | Fantasy High Gift Ideas to Help Republican Grandparents Bribe Their Grandkids into Not Hating Them for Dooming Humanity Paul Allen To Leave $10,000 To Everyone Who Shares This Post ICE Agent Terrified After Becoming Separated From Team During Immigrant Raid Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 16, 2018 Signs Your Manic Pixie Dream Girl May Be Less Of A “Breakfast At Tiffany’s” And More Of A “Depression Meal At Walmart” Mars Rover Finds Newspaper Warning Of Dire Effects Of Climate Change The Week In Pictures – Week Of October 15, 2018 Washington Supreme Court Strikes Down State’s Death Penalty Grandma Amazed By How Fuckable Grandson Has Gotten Since She Saw Him Last Timeline Of Human Activity In Antarctica Meghan Markle Nervously Looking Over Clinic Pamphlets Weighing Her Options What Elementary School Was Like in Each Decade Elizabeth Warren Disappointed After DNA Test Shows Zero Trace Of Presidential Material Jared Kushner Likely Avoided Income Tax For Years Saudi Arabia Sends Assassins To Dismember Entire International Community In Effort To Stifle Dissent Me, Frankenstein Monster, Am Victim of Angry Mob and Me Blame George Soros Loser Woman Hasn’t Even Inspired One Bar Fight Every Negotiation Scene Ever Cows Trample Dozens Of Lobsters To Death In Escalating Surf ’N’ Turf War Horrified Nurses Discover 40-Pound Baby After Accidentally Leaving It In Incubator Over Weekend Rosie O’Donnell Admits What She Did With Her Tuba “This One Time at Band Camp” All Hallow's Grieve Donner Party Archaeological Study Finds Survivors Preferred White Meat Drawfee Presents CARTOON HELL [First Full Episode] Jack-o’-lantern Designs that Say “We’re Filing for Divorce” Humiliating: When Asked What I Wanted for My Last Meal, I Panicked and Said “Yo-Yo’s” A Sexy Fire Drill | See Plum Run Is There a Subtle Way to Ask if My Book-Club Book Has Cunnilingus in It? Stephen Hawking’s Final Paper Revealed H.P. Lovecraft Reviews His Recent Amazon Purchases by Pat Landers Woman Always Gets Best Ideas While Taking Shower With Two Jacked Dudes Should LeBron James Leave ‘Space Jam 2’ For A Movie With A Better Chance Of Winning An Oscar? Frightened Don Jr. Asks If He Can Sleep In Dad’s Bed After Bad Dream About Being Indicted Panicked Falcons Discover Scratch In Mercedes Benz Stadium This Bitter Couple Tells Us The Secret To A 3-Year, 5-Month, And 2-Week Marriage Sully Sullenberger Realizes It Too Late Now To Let Everyone Know Plane Did All That Stuff On Autopilot Bill And Hillary Clinton Announce Joint Tour Mom Hates Bad Guy In Movie This Bitter Couple Tells Us The Secret To A 3-Year, 5-Month, And 2-Week Marriage

Fake News

4 Reasons You Will Fall Asleep During Sex in Your 20’s

Sure sex is great, but so are Sour Patch Kids and that movie Simon Birch. You’re getting older and familiar places can become a little too familiar. I’m not saying that you should “try” to fall asleep during sex, but you also shouldn’t “not try” to fall asleep according to an article in The Atlantic entitled “How Sleep Deprivation Decays the Mind and Body.”

DO NOT cite the article when you get thrown out of bed—it doesn’t fly. You’ll say that your sense of humor is too “nuanced” and then the person you were having sex with will get even more mad. Count your sheep you eager Stallion because there’s no way you’ll be able to fuck your way out of this one, compadre.

1. You hosted a Chicken Pot Pie Potluck earlier that night.

Chicken Pot Pie, bottles of wine, laughs, hugs, foreplay, yawns, tears, slammed doors, and a call to your mom in the middle of the night about how your relationship is ending and you don’t know what to do.

This will be one of the best nights of your life because you will spend the evening laughing, getting drunk, catching up with old friends, and eating your favorite food, Chicken Pot Pie. This will be one of the worst nights of your life because you will fall asleep while your partner is naked on top of you and when they shake you and ask if you’re awake the only thing you will say is, “Do you think there’s some leftover Pot Pie in the fridge?”

Try your hardest to STAY AWAY from hosting potluck parties, especially if you’re in a fresh and new relationship because there’s no way you’ll be able to fuck your way out of this one, compadre.

2. You and your partner thought it would be fun to do edibles and go see a Phish show.

Wow. Congrats! You’ve found yourself in an “adventurous” relationship. You and your partner are challenging each other to try new things and go out of your comfort zone.

Guess what? Your girlfriend/boyfriend is a HUGE Phish fan and they just picked up some super cheesed-up space edibles from starts Spuds, a part-time busboy/author/Frisbee golf referee/poet/friend to all.

You get to the show and as the band starts playing the edible slowly starts to kick in. As you begin to become one with the menstrual cycle of Mother Earth, and the chakra of the people around you combines into one living, breathing organism, you look to your boyfriend/girlfriend and think to yourself, God damnit I cannot believe this person makes me so happy.

Cut to five hours later when, due to a large amount of THC floating in your brain (I think that’s how it works, I honestly have no idea), you and your boyfriend/girlfriend have fallen asleep inside of each other and you are only awakened by the sound of your farts.

So rest easy, because there’s no way you’ll be able to fuck your way out of this one, compadre.

3. In the middle of having sex you get a Facebook message from your friend Brian saying duck penises look like corkscrews so you stop having sex and Google pictures of duck penises until you fall asleep.

The internet. What an incredible thing! The ability to connect with people (like your friend Brian, shoutout to my main dog Brian!) all around the globe is truly inspiring. It’s almost as if you were lying in bed next to them completely naked.

Rejecting the opportunity to use the wonderful capabilities of the internet just to have sex with someone is a slap in the face to Bill Gates, your friend Brian, and every past generation of human beings who lived without the wonderful internet. They say if it looks like a duck it is a duck, and if it’s a duck’s penis then it’s kind of a corkscrew too, even if you do wake up to a smashed laptop.

Grab your board shorts you valiant internet surfer because there’s no way you’re gonna be able to fuck your way out of this one.

4. In the middle of having sex you aren’t sure if you’re awake or if you’re living in a dream so you stop having sex to see if you can run through the wall (you can do that in most dreams) and you knock yourself out and sleep on the ground the rest of the night and most of the next two days.

Uh oh, look out! Adult coming through!

You’re a grownup now and every day is starting to feel eerily similar. First you wake up, go to work, grab drinks with friends, cry a little, then sleep. Repeat every day for the rest of your life and you’ll start to wonder if any of it is real or if it’s actually a dream and your real body is still in college huffing glue with your biology professors.

On the night you take a lover, your minor intrigue has turned into full-blown obsession, and you run full sprint into the wall, fully naked, thinking that if this was a dream you would easily blast through the wall and hopefully into another dimension where Dippin’ Dots are still seen as “the dessert of the future.”

Unfortunately Dippin’ Dots are still a thing of the past, the wall you tried running through exists in this dimension, and your life will remain the same, except that you won’t be having sex for a long time due to the brain damage caused by running into the wall.

So run into that alternate dimension like Keanu in The Matrix, because there’s no way you’re gonna be able to fuck your way out of this one, compadre.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.