Homepage / Fake News / 4 Reasons You Will Fall Asleep During Sex in Your 20’s
Puerto Rico Hit By Island-Wide Blackout Examining the Kochtopus – Jim Hightower, Humor Times Golden Retriever Mauls 5 In Huge Victory For Pitbull Apologists Storm Warning – Will Durst, Humor Times Mike Pompeo Defects To North Korea After Learning About Kim Jong-Un’s Torture Program Trash Bag Taped Over Broken Southwest Plane Window The Most Intimate Step in a Relationship Dad Ready To Forgive Dixie Chicks 10 Celebrities Then vs Now If Amazon and the Postal Service Were Two Teenage Boys in Forbidden Love Tips For Traveling Solo God Recalls Life-Changing Encounter With 8-Year-Old Boy Who Had Near-Death Experience Nation’s Liberals Not Sure What To Think After Hearing Special Counsel Has Waterboarded Every Suspect In Trump Investigation Even If We Ban Guns, Someone Would Invent a Machine With a Different Name That Does the Same Thing Grandma Defiantly Taking Scone Recipe To Grave Kendrick Lamar Wins Historic Pulitzer Prize For ‘DAMN.’ Spring Appalachian Road Trip Memes – The Sequel! Nintendo Has Released A Chair That Will Launch You Through Your TV If You Crash In ‘Mario Kart’ Humor Creators File Lawsuit Against Hundreds of Millions: You May Be Among Them New Employee Doesn't Understand That's Where Zack Sits The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews the Think Tank Carmelo Anthony Struggles To Get Rhythm Back After Making Shot J.K. Rowling Has Revealed That Dementors Are The Wizarding World’s Version Of Italians Barbara Bush Dies At 92 Barbara Bush Passes Away Surrounded By Loved Ones, Jeb Shy Balloon Spends Entire Party Floating In Back Corner Of Room By Itself Cottonelle Adds Blue Strip To Toilet Paper But Keeps What It Does A Secret 5 Reasons To Watch Reruns of ‘The Office’ Instead of Any New Show Congress Not Sure What It Did To Make Trump Think It Wouldn’t Roll Over For Whatever He Wants In Syria I Cut My Tongue Licking a Chobani Lid Again No Cash Left Behind Impoverished Kenyan Bean Picker Can’t Wait To See What Starbucks Has To Say About Racial Sensitivity TGI Fridays Is A Human Right Top 5 Kinkiest Fashion Trends Of The 18th Century New Law Requires Sex Offenders To Inform Residents Before Moving Into Their Homes New Evidence Suggests First Gallows Created As Early Attempt At Autoerotic Asphyxiation Michael Jordan Attacks Softness, Lack Of Competitiveness In Modern Blackjack Players Biggest Revelations From James Comey’s New Book 5 Questions With John Krasinski Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 17, 2018 Poisoned Water Supply Creates Gray Area in Syria Step Right Up And Feast Your Eyes On The Unfathomable Comey, The Man Who Is Both Good And Bad! The Beautiful Monster Who Makes Resisters’ Minds Spin! Betrayer Of Hillary! Enemy Of Trump! Behold This Freak Of Nature! Controversial Theory Suggests Aliens May Have Built Ancient Egypt’s Intergalactic Spaceport Mueller Combs Through Dozens Of Damning White House Emails He Was Accidentally CC’d On Alex Jones Pleads With Sandy Hook Parents To Imagine Pain An Expensive Lawsuit Would Cause Him Comey Says Trump ‘Morally Unfit’ To Be President As Clash Escalates Kendrick Lamar Becomes First Rapper To Win Pulitzer Prize For Editorial Cartooning The Stages Of Dealing WIth Computer Problems Hannity Claims Relationship With Cohen Never Went Past Payment For Legal Advice, Defense Strategy In Criminal Cases Half-Empty Bottle Of Colt 45 Left On Church Steps Must Be Offering To God The Story Behind Reddit’s Most Specific, Brutally Honest, and Impossible-To-Remember Community I’ll Be Back To Fix Our Marriage After This 72-Hour “Fortnite” Session Man Fears He May Never Trust Again After Treasured Picture Of Duck Turns Out To Be Rabbit  Half-Empty Bottle Of Olde English Left On Church Steps Must Be Offering To God Men Fired In Wake Of #MeToo Come Forward About How It Took Them Several Hours To Find New Jobs Al Gore, World’s Fattest Fool, Pretends UK is Tropical Paradise over Easter Researchers Find New Malware Designed To Make ATMs Spit Out Cash The 5 Worst People in Your D&D Game Reviews of Yellowstone National Park By Bison Gaming History Unearthed: Fans Have Located The Desert Mass Grave Where Atari Buried All Of Its Employees Responsible For The ‘E.T.’ Video Game 6 Reasons Brandon Gave For Why His Dad Isn’t Around That Are Definitely Bullshit New ‘Lord Of The Rings’ Book ‘The Fall Of Gondolin’ To Be Released This Year The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 16, 2018 Cool Glitch Effect On Movie Studio Logo Must Mean Shit About To Go Down Americans File Returns For Tax Day U.S. Won’t Rule Out Escalating Defense-Sector Profits From Syria Conflict Ex-Boyfriend Hopes To Still Be Terrible, Incompatible Friends Comey Suddenly Realizes Entire Book Just A Subconscious Defense Mechanism To Hide His True Feelings It Time To Give Up CollegeHumor’s Best Special Effects – CollegeHumor Video Armie Hammer’s Rehab Clinic for Actors Who Had to Dance on Film Once Comey: ‘What Can I Say, I’m Just A Catty Bitch From New Jersey And I Live For Drama’ Flower Freaking Out After Realizing There’s A Bee On It Woman Forced To Do Some Detective Work After Obituary For Dead Classmate Leaves Off Cause Of Death The Best Feelings of the Week (4/13/2018) Manager Of Combination Taco Bell/KFC Secretly Considers It Mostly A Taco Bell I’m The Word “Moist” And I’m Tired Of Everyone Always Cringing Around Me Ripping the Headlines Today, 4/16/18 Weathermen In A Warming Future Shakespeare Final Exam Written by an English Professor in The Middle of a Raging Divorce BREAKING: Philippines Vice President, Others, Briefly Arrested By German Police | Adobo Chronicles Grant and Katie Are Starting Their Own Company How to Tell If Your Pain Advocacy Group is Actually Run By the Makers of OxyContin David Lynch Pitches a Reboot of Schoolhouse Rock’s “How a Bill Becomes a Law” Kendrick Lamar Has A Big Concert On Wednesday And His Rap Tutor Is Out Of Town On Vacation Upcoming ‘Game Of Thrones’ Battle Reportedly Took 55 Days To Shoot Dermatologists Recommend Regularly Checking Body For Screaming Demonic Face Bulging Out Of Skin Brian Williams Is Being Forced To Resign From MSNBC After Leaked Documents Have Revealed That He’s A Hillbilly Report: Dez Bryant Could Be Perfect Fit For NFL Team Lacking Locker-Room Cancer Nation Confused After James Comey Dedicates Entire Memoir To In-Depth Retelling Of Martha Stewart Insider Trading Controversy Fleetwood Mac Fires Lindsey Buckingham Astronomers Say Wednesday Night Will Be Best Chance For Americans To View ‘NOVΛ’ Cambridge Analytica Whistleblower Admits Last Few Weeks At Work Have Been Awkward ‘Holy Shit, The Government Owes Me 50 Million Dollars,’ Reports Man Incorrectly Filling Out His Taxes How to Sell Your Smoky Beanie Baby Collection, According to My Aunt Connie, A Non-Smoker Man Filming Childbirth Picks Up Some B-Roll Of Wife’s Vagina While Waiting For Baby To Crown Viacom Says “Yaaas” to Expansive First-Look TV Deal with Broad City Creators Abbi and Ilana – Viacom Corporate This Child Would Have Turned 6 Today If His Mother Hadn't Given Birth To Him In October Report: You In The Way Of Billiards Game Woman Spends Entire Date Wondering If This The One She’ll Mace

Fake News

4 Reasons You Will Fall Asleep During Sex in Your 20’s

Buy the Wine Cloud T-Shirt at Awkward T-shirts
dab on them haters t-shirt
I Believe in ReinCATnation T-Shirt Amazon.com
Funny Books Reading T-Shirt Amazon.com
Funny Breaking News T-Shirt Amazon.com
previous arrow
next arrow

Sure sex is great, but so are Sour Patch Kids and that movie Simon Birch. You’re getting older and familiar places can become a little too familiar. I’m not saying that you should “try” to fall asleep during sex, but you also shouldn’t “not try” to fall asleep according to an article in The Atlantic entitled “How Sleep Deprivation Decays the Mind and Body.”

DO NOT cite the article when you get thrown out of bed—it doesn’t fly. You’ll say that your sense of humor is too “nuanced” and then the person you were having sex with will get even more mad. Count your sheep you eager Stallion because there’s no way you’ll be able to fuck your way out of this one, compadre.

1. You hosted a Chicken Pot Pie Potluck earlier that night.

Chicken Pot Pie, bottles of wine, laughs, hugs, foreplay, yawns, tears, slammed doors, and a call to your mom in the middle of the night about how your relationship is ending and you don’t know what to do.

This will be one of the best nights of your life because you will spend the evening laughing, getting drunk, catching up with old friends, and eating your favorite food, Chicken Pot Pie. This will be one of the worst nights of your life because you will fall asleep while your partner is naked on top of you and when they shake you and ask if you’re awake the only thing you will say is, “Do you think there’s some leftover Pot Pie in the fridge?”

Try your hardest to STAY AWAY from hosting potluck parties, especially if you’re in a fresh and new relationship because there’s no way you’ll be able to fuck your way out of this one, compadre.

2. You and your partner thought it would be fun to do edibles and go see a Phish show.

Wow. Congrats! You’ve found yourself in an “adventurous” relationship. You and your partner are challenging each other to try new things and go out of your comfort zone.

Guess what? Your girlfriend/boyfriend is a HUGE Phish fan and they just picked up some super cheesed-up space edibles from starts Spuds, a part-time busboy/author/Frisbee golf referee/poet/friend to all.

You get to the show and as the band starts playing the edible slowly starts to kick in. As you begin to become one with the menstrual cycle of Mother Earth, and the chakra of the people around you combines into one living, breathing organism, you look to your boyfriend/girlfriend and think to yourself, God damnit I cannot believe this person makes me so happy.

Cut to five hours later when, due to a large amount of THC floating in your brain (I think that’s how it works, I honestly have no idea), you and your boyfriend/girlfriend have fallen asleep inside of each other and you are only awakened by the sound of your farts.

So rest easy, because there’s no way you’ll be able to fuck your way out of this one, compadre.

3. In the middle of having sex you get a Facebook message from your friend Brian saying duck penises look like corkscrews so you stop having sex and Google pictures of duck penises until you fall asleep.

The internet. What an incredible thing! The ability to connect with people (like your friend Brian, shoutout to my main dog Brian!) all around the globe is truly inspiring. It’s almost as if you were lying in bed next to them completely naked.

Rejecting the opportunity to use the wonderful capabilities of the internet just to have sex with someone is a slap in the face to Bill Gates, your friend Brian, and every past generation of human beings who lived without the wonderful internet. They say if it looks like a duck it is a duck, and if it’s a duck’s penis then it’s kind of a corkscrew too, even if you do wake up to a smashed laptop.

Grab your board shorts you valiant internet surfer because there’s no way you’re gonna be able to fuck your way out of this one.

4. In the middle of having sex you aren’t sure if you’re awake or if you’re living in a dream so you stop having sex to see if you can run through the wall (you can do that in most dreams) and you knock yourself out and sleep on the ground the rest of the night and most of the next two days.

Uh oh, look out! Adult coming through!

You’re a grownup now and every day is starting to feel eerily similar. First you wake up, go to work, grab drinks with friends, cry a little, then sleep. Repeat every day for the rest of your life and you’ll start to wonder if any of it is real or if it’s actually a dream and your real body is still in college huffing glue with your biology professors.

On the night you take a lover, your minor intrigue has turned into full-blown obsession, and you run full sprint into the wall, fully naked, thinking that if this was a dream you would easily blast through the wall and hopefully into another dimension where Dippin’ Dots are still seen as “the dessert of the future.”

Unfortunately Dippin’ Dots are still a thing of the past, the wall you tried running through exists in this dimension, and your life will remain the same, except that you won’t be having sex for a long time due to the brain damage caused by running into the wall.

So run into that alternate dimension like Keanu in The Matrix, because there’s no way you’re gonna be able to fuck your way out of this one, compadre.

Source link