Sure sex is great, but so are Sour Patch Kids and that movie Simon Birch. You’re getting older and familiar places can become a little too familiar. I’m not saying that you should “try” to fall asleep during sex, but you also shouldn’t “not try” to fall asleep according to an article in The Atlantic entitled “How Sleep Deprivation Decays the Mind and Body.”
DO NOT cite the article when you get thrown out of bed—it doesn’t fly. You’ll say that your sense of humor is too “nuanced” and then the person you were having sex with will get even more mad. Count your sheep you eager Stallion because there’s no way you’ll be able to fuck your way out of this one, compadre.
1. You hosted a Chicken Pot Pie Potluck earlier that night.
Chicken Pot Pie, bottles of wine, laughs, hugs, foreplay, yawns, tears, slammed doors, and a call to your mom in the middle of the night about how your relationship is ending and you don’t know what to do.
This will be one of the best nights of your life because you will spend the evening laughing, getting drunk, catching up with old friends, and eating your favorite food, Chicken Pot Pie. This will be one of the worst nights of your life because you will fall asleep while your partner is naked on top of you and when they shake you and ask if you’re awake the only thing you will say is, “Do you think there’s some leftover Pot Pie in the fridge?”
Try your hardest to STAY AWAY from hosting potluck parties, especially if you’re in a fresh and new relationship because there’s no way you’ll be able to fuck your way out of this one, compadre.
2. You and your partner thought it would be fun to do edibles and go see a Phish show.
Wow. Congrats! You’ve found yourself in an “adventurous” relationship. You and your partner are challenging each other to try new things and go out of your comfort zone.
Guess what? Your girlfriend/boyfriend is a HUGE Phish fan and they just picked up some super cheesed-up space edibles from starts Spuds, a part-time busboy/author/Frisbee golf referee/poet/friend to all.
You get to the show and as the band starts playing the edible slowly starts to kick in. As you begin to become one with the menstrual cycle of Mother Earth, and the chakra of the people around you combines into one living, breathing organism, you look to your boyfriend/girlfriend and think to yourself, God damnit I cannot believe this person makes me so happy.
Cut to five hours later when, due to a large amount of THC floating in your brain (I think that’s how it works, I honestly have no idea), you and your boyfriend/girlfriend have fallen asleep inside of each other and you are only awakened by the sound of your farts.
So rest easy, because there’s no way you’ll be able to fuck your way out of this one, compadre.
3. In the middle of having sex you get a Facebook message from your friend Brian saying duck penises look like corkscrews so you stop having sex and Google pictures of duck penises until you fall asleep.
The internet. What an incredible thing! The ability to connect with people (like your friend Brian, shoutout to my main dog Brian!) all around the globe is truly inspiring. It’s almost as if you were lying in bed next to them completely naked.
Rejecting the opportunity to use the wonderful capabilities of the internet just to have sex with someone is a slap in the face to Bill Gates, your friend Brian, and every past generation of human beings who lived without the wonderful internet. They say if it looks like a duck it is a duck, and if it’s a duck’s penis then it’s kind of a corkscrew too, even if you do wake up to a smashed laptop.
Grab your board shorts you valiant internet surfer because there’s no way you’re gonna be able to fuck your way out of this one.
4. In the middle of having sex you aren’t sure if you’re awake or if you’re living in a dream so you stop having sex to see if you can run through the wall (you can do that in most dreams) and you knock yourself out and sleep on the ground the rest of the night and most of the next two days.
Uh oh, look out! Adult coming through!
You’re a grownup now and every day is starting to feel eerily similar. First you wake up, go to work, grab drinks with friends, cry a little, then sleep. Repeat every day for the rest of your life and you’ll start to wonder if any of it is real or if it’s actually a dream and your real body is still in college huffing glue with your biology professors.
On the night you take a lover, your minor intrigue has turned into full-blown obsession, and you run full sprint into the wall, fully naked, thinking that if this was a dream you would easily blast through the wall and hopefully into another dimension where Dippin’ Dots are still seen as “the dessert of the future.”
Unfortunately Dippin’ Dots are still a thing of the past, the wall you tried running through exists in this dimension, and your life will remain the same, except that you won’t be having sex for a long time due to the brain damage caused by running into the wall.
So run into that alternate dimension like Keanu in The Matrix, because there’s no way you’re gonna be able to fuck your way out of this one, compadre.