Homepage / Fake News / 3 Years After the Breakup, I Finally Stopped Drunk Texting My Ex’s Mom, Pam
Polite High School Football Team Runs Around Banner That Took Hours To Make The Trump Cabinet Quiz – Rod Bartchy, Humor Times The World Needs More Mr. Rogers Memes Over 417,000 Hours Of Private Presidential Conversations Discovered After No One Remembered To Turn Off Richard Nixon’s Tape Recorder ‘New York Times’ Announces Appointment Of Anonymous Source As Editor-In-Chief 6 Things That Are Obnoxious When Other Couples Do Them But Great When They’re Happening To You Pros And Cons Of Amazon Trump Asks Why Kavanaugh Accuser Didn’t Just Immediately Request Hush Money I’m Writing Today to Recommend My Student and His Viral Fail Video Congress Wishes They Could Help Puerto Rico But It’s All The Way Over There The Investigation Stalled, The Case Went Cold, We Had To Print Something Anyway Sony Launching Retro PlayStation Classic In December President Obama’s New Slogan, I Can Hear You Now Dracula’s Castle For Sale in Transylvania Stern Letters From Health Inspectors To Musicians Who Sang About Food Brad Pitt’s Foundation Sued For Building Shoddy Homes After Katrina Sweetheart, The Day You Were Conceived Was The Best Day Of My Life Al Roker Strongly Considers Retiring From Creating The Weather Can A Serial Marijuana User Like Josh Gordon Fit In With The Patriots’ Cocaine-Based Culture? Premature Evacuation: Exit Seat Employment Kevin Hart Just Going To Assume He’s In ‘Space Jam 2’ Unless He Hears Otherwise Hookers and Porn Models in Uproar after ‘Mario Kart’ Trump Dick Revelation 80% Of Women Currently Wearing Wrong Size Bra, Shirt, Shoes, Pants, Hat How Far-Out Is Trump’s War Policy? How Trump Is Remaking America’s Court System The GOP Hokey Pokey – Will Durst, Humor Times Jimmy Butler Gives Wolves List Of 29 Preferred Trade Destinations r/Relationships: I suspect that my GF [33] steals monuments GOP Officials Urge Calmer, More Reasonable Death Threats Toward Kavanaugh Accuser Ripping the Headlines Today, 9/18/18 Top 10 Reasons Trump Will Never Step Down ‘Sesame Street’ Writer Backtracks On Claim That Bert And Bernie Gay BBC announces spin -off series for the Bodyguard Weight Loss Hypnosis for Free, if that’s the Sort of Humbug you’re into Report: Make It Stop Stumbling Drunk Chuck Grassley Warns Kavanaugh Accuser She Can Testify All She Wants But No One’s Going To Believe Her Celebrity Slumber Party with Jack Black Trump Makes Light-Hearted Jokes With Dead Bodies Of Hurricane Victims During Visit To Carolinas 4th Grader Panics Upon Realizing Classmate Giving Presentation Had Exact Same Summer As He Did Sensory Homunculus Diagram So Fucking Hot New Beatles Box Set Features 172 Unreleased Songs About Wanting To Hold Hands Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum, Will You Give My “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt” Spec a Read? The Worst Hurricanes In U.S. History Senate Passes Bipartisan Opioid Legislation Supposedly Educated Professor Has No Idea How To Get Bird Out Of Lecture Hall We Have Proof That Muppets Have Sex and Bert & Ernie Are Gay How I Failed at Being a Gilmore Girl Kavanaugh Shouldn’t Be Held Accountable For Something He Did As White Teenager FEMA Dispatches Crews To Do Whatever They Need To Do To Look Busy Ink-Splattered Trump Boys Counter Media Bias By Hand-Printing Own Newspaper In White House Basement The Best of Precious Plum & Mama PlayStation Classic To Include Friend Who Always Whooped Your Ass To Complete Retro Gaming Experience Shocking Biblical Study Reveals Methushael Did Not Beget Lamech Paul McCartney Releases 18th Solo Album Local Man Unsure If Woman Type Of Lesbian Who Only Dates Women Your #MeToo “Apology” For Yom Kippur Has Been Rejected Ronco and The Franklin Mint Combine with Democratic Party on Commemorative Plate Set Clarence Thomas Returns To Senate As White Man Named Brett My Husband Les Moonvez Gave Us Young Sheldon, And That's Good Enough for Me! By: Julie Chen London Mayor Calls For Second Brexit Referendum Fraternity Brothers Make Note Not To Kill Pledge Whose Family Has Lake House Marc Benioff Buys ‘Time’ Magazine For $190 Million White House Increases Number Of Asylum Seekers Allowed To Enter Spike-Filled Refugee Compactor Ted Cruz Attempts To Connect With Voters By Wearing More Handsome Man’s Face As Mask Blood-Spattered Sarah Huckabee Sanders Holds Up Huge Dismembered Penis To Prove Presidential Member Completely Normal Woman Longs For Day When First Female President Can Have Tell-All Book Written About Disgusting Vagina Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 18, 2018 Video Game Character Stares Impotently At Forbidden Realm Beyond Impassable Waist-High Bush Emotional Le’Veon Bell Reveals Holdout A Result Of Forgetting How To Run Is This The Worst Life Hack Ever Made? How to Make an Atom Bomb While Your Roommates Are Out of Town Tips For Long Bike Rides Scientist Close To Developing Life-Saving Vaccine That They Can Rub In Faces Of Their Doubters RuPaul Makes History as Viacom Earns 8 Awards – Viacom Corporate A Massive Storm is Barreling Down on my Family and Conversation with Them Has Never Been Easier Semi-Humorous Meetings with Strange Creatures in the Night The Failing Donald Trump Hires a Posse White Castle Now Selling Veggie Burger Sliders Nationwide The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Buckwheat Luke, Owen Wilson Recall Meeting On Set Of ‘The Royal Tenenbaums’ Kavanaugh Defends His Originalist Position Fingernail Got Fucking Huge Out Of Nowhere We Want Your House – Howard Zaharoff, Humor Times Cash-Strapped Zuckerberg Forced To Sell 11 Million Facebook Users Senate Republicans Seek To Delay Kavanaugh Vote Until Accuser Properly Smeared Emergency Room Admissions To Soar On Trump’s FEMA Text Alert Trial Kavanaugh Sweating Bullets After Betting Life Savings On Being Confirmed To Supreme Court FEMA Airdrops Emergency Cyanide Pills For Residents Stranded By Hurricane Florence Don’t Blame Me, Blame The Stars! GOP Releases New Letter Supporting Kavanaugh Signed By Orrin Hatch 500 Times Steve Bannon Calls #MeToo Most Powerful Political Movement In World Marine Biologists Reveal That Majority Of World’s Oceans Remain Boring As Shit White House Raises Official Hurricane Florence Death Toll To -17 Our Weirdest Sex Misconceptions Koch Brothers Furious Kavanaugh Never Disclosed That Nation Might Care About Sexual Abuse I Read Your Guidelines, But I’m Submitting This Piece That Clearly Isn’t a Fit for Your Publication Because, Well, Just Read It and You’ll See Why Kavanaugh On Sexual Assault Allegations: ‘I Miss High School’ The Week In Pictures – Week Of September 17, 2018 Maxine Waters Fails Hearing Test | You make the news…We report it! Oh no! Elon Musk went on a heroin user's podcast and shot himself full of junk

Fake News

3 Years After the Breakup, I Finally Stopped Drunk Texting My Ex’s Mom, Pam

Mark and I broke up after a year and a half of dating. He told me that he didn’t see a future together, and dumped me in a Red Robin. I moved on fairly quickly (I always hated when he breathed), but I was devastated that breaking up meant losing his mom, Pam.

Pam and I were super close, and I wanted us to keep in touch. She told me to call her if I ever needed her, or even if I just wanted to say hello.

Big mistake.

The first time, it was innocent. It was about two weeks post-breakup, and I was watching TV, drinking my “go to sleep, bitch” wine, when I saw a commercial that reminded me of her.

This can’t happen again, I thought. Pam will ruin me at book club. I promised myself I wouldn’t text her anymore.

“Oh my goddd Have you seen that comercial with the penguins?” I texted her. “It’s sooo cute you luv penguins.”

She didn’t respond until the next morning.

“Yes, I did see that commercial. Very cute. Were you drunk last night?? Are you ok???” she replied.

I cringed as I typed. Pam wasn’t supposed to see me like this. “I’m so sorry. I’m really embarrassed. It won’t happen again, I promise!”

Six months after the breakup, it happened again. I was at a party trying to fuck some guy, the back of whose head looked like Mark’s, so I took out my phone and texted Pam.

“Pam I think Mark is at this party??” I typed. “Does he still wear the shirt I bought him 4 christmas?????”

She replied immediately. “Mark is in New York, sweetie. Are you alright? Do you want me to come get you?”

“Pam i’m FINE,” I responded. “Also pls tell Mark that he has fat handss.”

Then my phone died.

I ended up going home with Mark’s look-a-like (he had fat hands too). I charged my phone at his place and woke up the next morning with an angry voicemail from Pam.

“Lauren, I am sick and tired of receiving these inappropriate messages. Not to mention, you had me worried sick. I haven’t slept all night because I’m worried about you having sexual intercourse with a man you don’t know. It’s not safe and you should be ashamed. Also, please tell your mother I said, ‘Thanks for the buffalo dip recipe.’ The gals at work just love it.’”

This can’t happen again, I thought. Pam will ruin me at book club. I promised myself I wouldn’t text her anymore. I changed her contact name to, “DO NOT TEXT HER YOU DUMB SLUT” and prayed.

Three weeks later, I called her after getting margaritas with my coworker, Janice. Janice’s chlamydia was almost fully cured, and we wanted to celebrate.

“Paaaaaammmm you dumb slut. Answer your phoooooone. Do you wanna get some tacos? Oh and I can’t find my keys. Also, can you get the flu from a mosquito bite?”

This went on for the next three years. If I ate homemade chicken and dumplings, or heard Rod Stewart on the radio, or even saw a coupon for “buy one, get one” on all Tide products, I texted her. It was emotionally and mentally exhausting. I knew what I had to do: I had to break up with Pam.

I invited her to lunch at Red Robin, and told her that I didn’t see a future with her. She was confused and told me that didn’t make sense because we are “not in a relationship,” but paid for my meal anyway. I asked if she wanted to share a vanilla milkshake, her treat. She said no and we went our separate ways.

It was a rough few months after ending things with Pam, but eventually I moved on and started seeing someone new. I do miss Pam, but now that I’m dating Aaron, I have someone else to focus on: his mom, Diane.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.