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10 Signs You’re Not Going to Receive Your Hogwarts Acceptance Letter

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We all want to believe in fairy tales as children – we want to believe the world is a wondrous, magical place filled with wonders hiding right beyond the horizon, and that we’re actually very special individuals who get to partake in the wonders. And that’s why the idea of a Hogwarts acceptance letter struck such a deep chord in so many – people have an easy time relating to Harry Potter as a child: he’s frustrated with the world he’s come to know, he hates his home life, and he wishes for something greater. And the herald of his new life and specialness arrives from out of nowhere – his Hogwarts acceptance letter. And from there, he goes on to be the savior of the wizarding world and have lots of fun adventures and experience the most fantastical things imaginable:

…but here’s the thing: most people ARE NOT going to get a Hogwarts acceptance letter. You might even say ALL PEOPLE are not going to get one. But just in case you’re not sure if you fit into these categories, here are some telltale signs that your magical education is probably not going to happen.

1. You’re 30 Years Old

Most Hogwarts students receive their acceptance letter around age 11, so things are looking pretty dire for you.

2. You Have Never Exhibited Any Magical Abilities Nor Seen Any Existence of Magic

Typically if you have some sort of inclination towards magical abilities, they would start to exhibit themselves around puberty. By now, the fact that you haven’t had anything magical literally ever happen to you means your chances of getting into magic school are looking grim.

3. The Mailman Has Started Chucking the Mail At the Door From the Sidewalk Because He’s Sick of You Harassing Him and Accusing the Post Office of Losing Your Hogwarts Acceptance Letter

Please leave Gus alone, this is not his fault.

4. You Sit Outside All Day With a Rifle, Looking For Owls To Shoot Down In Case They’re Carrying An Acceptance Letter

The police have politely asked you to stop trying to shoot owls twice now. Especially because there really aren’t any owls in your neighborhood, and Mrs. Dorsey is getting very upset about you blowing away the blue jays she feeds regularly.

5. Your Constant Attempts To Slam Your Entire Body Into Brick Walls At Train Stations Has Left You With Mild Brain Damage

There isn’t actually a platform 9 and 3/4 at King’s Cross Station to begin with, so you randomly slamming your entire body against other brick walls at unrelated train stations seems like a particularly ill-advised move.

6. JK Rowling Has Blocked You On Twitter

To be fair, you were being very aggressive towards her and calling her names like “JK Lying”, which isn’t even clever.

7. That Stupid Voldemort Parody Account Has Also Blocked You

You know that’s not actually Voldemort, right? You know Voldemort not only isn’t real, but is also long dead in the fake world of Harry Potter?

8. Your Application Letters Keep Getting Sent Back To You Because You Wrote “Someplace In England But Hidden From Muggles ;)” In the Address Area

I think slamming your head into all of those train station brick walls taking a heavier toll on your cognitive ability than initially thought. Do you know how mail works?

9. Pretty Much The Same Deal With Your Applications to Beauxbatons and Durmstrang

I don’t think any of the magic schools even TAKE applications? Don’t they just, like, know who’s magical and reaches out to them independently? I don’t think you’ve thought any of this through.

10. You Do Not Live In A Fictional Universe. You Live In the Real World, Which Is Depressing – No One Is Going To Come To Your Door One Day and Reveal You’re Secretly Very Special And That They’re Going To Whisk You Away To A World of Magic Where All of Your Dreams Will Come True.

“Getting into Hogwarts” was a very fun thing to imagine as a child, but you  should have immediately realized it was a world of fiction – and while it was a compelling fantasy, it was not reflective of the real world. You are not going to suddenly win a lottery that turns you into a wizard and takes you to another world filled with wonders – but, on the other hand, a whole bunch of kids died pretty regularly at that school.

Also, they accidentally hired like a whole bunch of secretly evil people who tried to do messed up things to students. Quirrell, Gilderoy Lockhart, Barty Crouch Jr., and Snape (sorta). Really bad hiring practices at that place. It’s probably for the best  you went to public school. At least none of your teachers secretly had Magic Hitler living on the back of their head.

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