04202014Headline:

Candles ignite stripper’s fart: explosion injures 20 Shriners in Massachusetts!

SPRINGIELD, Massachusetts (ABSNN) – A nude dancer performing an “amazing, near flawless split” accidentally passed gas and nearby table candles ignited the fart “causing a huge natural gas explosion at the Scores Gentlemen’s [...]

Gordy Grundy: Pussy Riot Vodka, Part Two: We Will Not Forget!

In Pussy Riot News, we are at the part of their epic saga in which the two remaining brave artists have been sentenced to two years in prison. Separated and sent to remote gulags, the girls will not be able to cause any more trouble to the [...]

BP CEO: ‘We Deeply Regret The Tragic Loss Of $4.5 Billion’

LONDON—After his company agreed to plead guilty to 14 criminal charges in connection with the Deep Horizon accident and oil spill, BP chief executive Bob Dudley released an official statement Thursday expressing his “profound and [...]

Tornado Chasers Accidentally Drive Into A Forest Fire

WICHITA, Kansas – Two of the Midwest’s most popular and experienced tornado chasers, Sterling Vittybird, 27, and Tranquillo Razzle, 24, recently got caught up in their work. The two were on Interstate 35, chasing a category 6 tornado [...]

Kevin Welner: A Modest Hurricane Proposal for Honoring Climate Change Deniers

For almost 70 years, we have given tropical cyclones names. We now, for example, are focused on Hurricane Sandy. The “S” in Sandy means that this is the 18th tropical storm of the season. Next year, the first ten will be named Andrea, [...]

Big Tex Catches Fire and Burns – Romney Blames President Obama

DALLAS – Big Tex, the legendary 52-foot tall statue at The State Fair of Texas for 60 years, caught fire and completely burned. The Lone Star State icon with the 75-gallon hat first appeared at the State Fair Park back in 1952. Big [...]

Debate Cut Short As Lantern Fire Burns Down Ol’ Town Hall

HEMPSTEAD, NY—A time-honored tradition ended in calamity tonight when, less than an hour after presidential candidates Mitt Romney and Barack Obama gathered together in the town of Hempstead, NY to debate their political views before [...]

Iran Announces: Here Comes The Grandmother of All Oil Spills

TEHRAN, Iran – A highly personal in-house memorandum between Iran’s Ayatollah Abdul Musaweewee Abacus, 67, to Ayatollah Ali Mohammad Open-Sesame, Jr., 71, has been intercepted by CIA operatives and forwarded to President Obama via [...]

Fire Chief Grants Fireman 3-Day Extension On Difficult Fire

NEWTON, MA—Shortly before leaving work Monday, local fire chief Pete Wilkes reportedly approved firefighter Joseph Ainslie’s request to take an extra three days on a particularly tough fire, advising him to “take [his] time” [...]

World Ends!!! – Planet Earth destroyed in cosmic blast

New York – In an emergency appearance today before the United Nations, a team of international scientists reported that the world has ended. The stunning announcement came during a special session of the UN Security Council, during which [...]

American Voices: Explosion Seen On Jupiter

Earlier this week, two amateur astronomers witnessed and captured video of what appeared to be a 100-mile-wide fireball in the atmosphere of Jupiter, a phenomenon they believe was likely the result of a major meteor or comet impact.

For Sale: the Boston Red Sox Including Fenway Park

A fire sale may be occurring at Fenway Park. We may want to keep an eye on these owners who may torch the place for the insurance money. Rumors are swirling that the ownership want to dump the Sox team that is now in last place and looks to [...]

American Voices: NYPD Criticized For Shooting Amid Crowds

After wounding nine bystanders while killing a gunman outside the Empire State Building Friday and an earlier incident in which a knife-wielding man near Times Square was fatally shot, New York police face scrutiny over their protocol for opening [...]
tyler perry studio fire

Tyler Perry Studio Fire Will Only Make Him Richer

  The Atlanta studios of famous drag queen Tyler Perry caught fire last night, causing partial collapse of a building on the lot. ¬†Though firefighters can’t say as yet what the cause was, it is no surprise, as large amounts of [...]
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