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My Worst of 2013

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New Year, new “Worst of” list. It’s become my annual tradition. I like to reflect on all that went wrong in the 365 days that have passed, and look towards how I can avoid future recurrences. Fortunately, 2013 has been a great year for me, despite one ill-fated decision to cut bangs and the loss of yet another toenail.

In 2014, however, I’m hoping to work on my patience. Therefore, for this year’s “Worst of” list, I’m counting down the 15 times when I unreasonably lost my cool in public. To preface, several of these instances involve traffic or Starbucks, and I will also provide suggestions for how I intend to improve each scenario when they inevitably present themselves again.

If you were involved in any of my outbursts, my apologies, but you might have some work to do on your end, too.

Anyhow, here we go…

The 15 Worst Times I Unreasonably Lost My Cool in Public 2013:

1. Passing people who are feeding pigeons on the sidewalk.

I know these people love animals, and most of them are over the age of 90, in wheelchairs, or children, so in 2014, I promise to respect their feelings. But birds don’t need free bread. I can’t even imagine what homeless people think about this oversight. Plus, keep in mind, the sidewalk is not made to accommodate giant bird tornados.

2. Opening Vitamin Water.

The caps are human-proof, and I’ve gotten at least two blisters on my hands this year trying to unscrew them. In 2014, however, I’m not going to let it ruin my afternoon or waste a good tweet on it. I will have someone else open it for me like a five-year-old.

3. Honking at people who don’t immediately move in traffic when the light turns green.

I’ve only done it once (twice), though I’ve thought about it on countless occasions. I promise I not to do it again, unless I am absolutely positive the car in front of me needs me to.

4. Managing my Starbucks Gold Stars Rewards.

If the machine that rings up my Starbucks app and gives me gold stars, thus putting me on the fast track to a free drink, is broken, in 2014, I will not refuse to pay.

5. Not sharing the sidewalk with people who don’t share the sidewalk.

I agree not to bump into anyone this year when I’m running if their dog leash does not threaten my life, or when they’re walking in pairs, or if the second person neatly files behind the first or yanks him onto the grass, or they are not texting or reading a book while walking. If they’re reading a book, I’m definitely bumping into them.

6. Dealing with stray kids.

This may sound like I’m gearing up to be Mommy of the Year, but that’s not the case, since I’m family-less. I’m mostly referring to my relationship with children in grocery stores. They’re my least favorite kind of kid, second only to kids on airplanes, and just above kids feeding pigeons. This year, I’ll reserve all anger for their parents.

7. Responding to a “no parking spots” or “night time” or “trash day situation” on the block.

I promise not to move my neighbor’s recycling bins into the middle of the road in 2014.

8. Watching people debate what pastry they want when they get to the register at Starbucks.

I mean, WHAT were you doing the entire time you were in line?! But, I realize not everyone is at my level of multi-tasking, and scoffing does not move me forward any faster.

9. Tailgating cars that wait on pedestrians to get all the way safely onto the sidewalk before they turn right.

To begin with, there are a number of opportunities to turn after pedestrians have hit certain points in their journey when you won’t knock them off. This requires a diagram:

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If the pedestrian hasn’t even made it to the crosswalk yet, there should be no hesitation.

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I’ll try and zone out to the radio this year, but think of the people behind you!

10. Pedestrians. I won’t flick off anyone who walks slowly this year.

11. Yelling at Drake for not spending enough time with me because he’s always on the road or in the studio.

It’s like every other night in my dreams, but in 2014, I will come to terms with what it means to be the fictional girlfriend of a rap superstar, and either accept it, or move on to Aziz Ansari. The only thing is that I’m focusing on Aziz in real life, so I’m hoping Drake and I can find a way to work this out.

12. Rain.

It sprinkled twice this year in L.A. and each time was devastating, so I’m buying a super cool umbrella in 2014 to prepare.

13. Responding to the death of my iPod battery mid-jog.

I don’t even know what I’m going to do yet, but I’ve flagged it as a problem.

14. Colin Kaepernick.

Fine, I’ll give him a break, but only because Crabtree is back.

15. Learning that Trader Joe’s still does not have vegetarian meatballs in stock.

Each week I go, only to be let down over and over again. I may or may not refuse to shop there in 2014 if they cannot replace this item, however, regardless, I promise not to get mad at the employees. They don’t make the meatballs after all.

That’s it. Here’s to patience and less rudeness in 2014!

Happy New Year!

Read the Rest of this Article ->: Comedy - The Huffington Post on 27 December 2013




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