Yes, Chicken Little, things are really falling.
General Petraeus, Joe Paterno, the BBC guy, Jimmy Savile, John Edwards, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sandusky. Then we had Paolo Gabriele airing the Pope’s clean laundry, Prince Harry with his pants down, Lance Armstrong with his EPO up. Arnold published his Total Recall, My Unbelievably True Life Story which was pretty unbelievable and Rielle Hunter regaled us with the juicy details in What Really Happened: John Edwards, Our Daughter and Me.
As a savvy publishing company my plan was to scoop up one of the great fallen heroes of 2012 for the rights to their mega mea culpa. I put in a call to John Edwards in Raleigh, North Carolina.
“Mr. Edwards the time has come for you to tell your side of the story.”
“My side is the same as Rielle’s side,” he said and he hung up.
I called Mellow Johnny’s the bike store owned by Lance Armstrong in Austin, Texas.
“He can’t come to the phone right now. He’s fixing someone’s flat,” I was told.
Unfortunately, no other big name was interested in signing a contract with a startup publishing company for bupkus. Or even bupkus, plus points.
But My Little Publishing Company hadn’t gotten to where it is today by throwing in the towel.
I decided to find my own unknown fallen hero, help him write his memoir, give America a brand new sullied idol to feel superior to and in the process, add a sure-fire blockbuster to My Little Publishing Company’s spring list.
So it gives me great pleasure to announce the forthcoming Unbroken-up. A Story of Survival, Resilience and No Regrets by Malcolm Schnable.
The following is my interview with Mr. Schnable:
LU: Unbroken-up is an unforgettable memoir of a man’s journey into extremity, and a testament to the resilience of the human mind, body, and spirit. Tell me, what inspired your book?
MS: Well, beyond the $750 dollar advance, I welcomed the chance to clear the air and my conscience at the same time. My life is now literally an open book.
LU: What was the most difficult event in your life to write about?
MS: So many terrible memories, so many shameful episodes. But I would have to say my roasted artichoke addiction was the one thing that gave my family and me the most pain.
LU: Tell us a little about that.
MS: It started, as so many addictions do, with just one jar of Seggiano roasted artichoke hearts. A friend brought them as a house gift. The first artichoke made me feel a little sick. But the next thing I knew I had consumed the whole jar. And I wanted more. I went to Whole Foods and was appalled to see that one jar cost almost $20. We were living pretty hand to mouth trying to save for the kids’ college. But that didn’t stop me from buying a jar. You work hard, you deserve a little treat now and then, I told myself. The next thing you know I had a $100-a-week artichoke habit. The house went into foreclosure. I didn’t care about anything except where my next roasted artichoke was coming from.
LU: What has been your family’s reaction to this book?
MS: My wife had already started divorce proceedings way before I even wrote the first chapter. After she read the galleys, she doubled her alimony demands. She thinks Unbroken-up will be a bestseller. My kids, thank God, all support me. They have issues of their own so they really understand. I’m proud to say that my daughter Stella is in recovery for her addiction to eyelash extensions. And Butch, well he’s still struggling with his Lindsay Lohan obsession. (Lindsay, one call wouldn’t kill you, would it?)
LU: What is your advice to scandal-ridden celebrities out there who are afraid to publish their memoirs?
MS: I say why deny yourself the healing process of publication?
LU: What is the main message of your book?
MS: It’s about never having to say you’re sorry. Or, having to say you’re sorry but not really meaning it. It’s also about how love makes the world go around. It’s also about how he who throws the first stone. Also, how the first step is the hardest. And finally, it’s about how I cried because I had no shoes.
LU: Are you planning a sequel?
MS: Yes. I’m already half way through Unsmoken: How I Gave Up Cigarettes and Found Chewing Gum and God.