Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen Season 17, Episode 5 of ABC’s “The Bachelor.”
It’s episode seven and ABC has apparently been forced to cut the budget due to all the emergency vehicles that have been dispatched this season. In an unprecedented move, they allow all six of our bachelorettes, plus Sean, to board the same seaplane bound for St. Croix. Goodbye ubiquitous scarves and Ugg boots best suited for the cold, harsh Canadian Rockies! Hello Virgin Islands! I’ve taken the liberty of creating t-shirt slogans to help commemorate this wonderful vacation.
I HEART SEAN
AshLee scores the first one-on-one date and makes Sean dog paddle her to the waiting catamaran that will take them to their own private island. Here, AshLee divulges that Tierra is different in front of him than she is with the other women of the house. Sean becomes bored rehashing the drama and shuts AshLee up by kissing her “From Here to Eternity” style on the beach. Later at dinner, AshLee confesses that she has a secret and then takes exactly 10 minutes to lead up to the horrific details of her adolescent youth. No, she does not have that weird addiction in which she eats fiberglass like it’s cotton candy as the very pregnant pause would lead one to believe. She was married at 17 and divorced by 18. Realizing that she doesn’t collect old pizza crusts in her spare time, Sean finds this childhood fact notable and doesn’t hold any ill will toward AshLee. She punctuates the magical night by shouting, “I LOVE SEAN” into the ocean’s tides. Sean turns red, coughs a little and then decides to kiss her before she says it again.
Shopping is Life. The Rest is Just Details.
Tierra finally gets the one-on-one she’s been waiting for and is immediately disappointed that her date card suggests they will be galavanting in St. Croix. Tierra, being from Denver, would feel more comfortable on a boat. Minutes in, she’s complaining about the heat, the mosquitoes and her parched throat. She quickly changes her tune when Sean starts buying her anything a street vendor is pedaling. Over snow cones, Sean asks if she’s adapting well to the house. She gives her standard, “girls are jealous of me” speech before using context clues that AshLee must have thrown her under the bus for Sean to be so distant. For good measure, she tells him she loves him and then sticks her tongue down his throat.
Sugar Mill or Bust
Sean wakes up the group date ladies at 4:42 a.m. and begins taking Polaroid pictures of what they look like without makeup. However uncool we all may think this is, the girls seem to embrace the spontaneity of the moment and are all excited when Sean’s red Jeep pulls up to the shore where they will watch the sun rise. But the road trip isn’t over yet — they spend the day making their way across the island, visiting the old sugar mill, a treehouse and a random donkey in order to watch the sun set in the west. Sean makes out with Lindsay, assures Des that she’s both a dead ringer for Joey Potter and that he wants to meet her family and consoles Catherine as she calmly tells her suitor that he will not be meeting her father should she get a rose. In the end, the date rose goes to the wedding dress girl (who would have thought?).
Lesley lands the last one-on-one date and she celebrates by putting on as much eye makeup as her lids and lashes can handle. They spend the day in a secret garden, picking huge avocados and generally not making eye contact. Sean pins her up against a fence, forcing her to look him in the face. Although her words are sweet, the action just isn’t there. Sean asks if they could try and break their Guinness record again because he’s so bored. It doesn’t happen.
I Can Control My Eyebrow, Can You?
Sean invites his sister Shay to help him decide which two ladies will be kicked off in the next rose ceremony. He shares that he thinks all the women could be his wife. Sean soon admits that Tierra’s name seems to be synonymous with drama. In a bit of stylized editing, the scene cuts back and forth from him defending the 24-year-old to Tierra arguing with AshLee about how she’s forced to sleep on a cot, her intimidating inner sparkle and the fact that she can’t control the judgmental cock of her own eyebrow. Sean chooses this moment to return to the bungalow to fetch Tierra so his sister can make an informed decision for herself. He finds her collapsed on her cot, an emotional wreck, with phantom tears flowing. She sobs air, wiping under her eyes for show, as she drones on about how unfair this entire process is. Sean looks her in the eye and tells her that it’s probably best that she goes home because this particular journey to find love just isn’t a good fit for her emotions. The entire Bachelor Nation stands and rejoices in this forward-thinking moment. Fortunately, she’s escorted to a waiting minivan and the rest of us sigh, relieved that we can now watch the remainder of the season.
This Bud’s for You … Not You
With Lindsay’s date rose secure, it’s no surprise that Catherine and Des receive numbers two and three. Although Sean warns the remaining women that Tierra was sent home because of her emotional meltdown, it’s unclear whether he would wedge AshLee into that same category since she was a catalyst for the choking sobs that produced zero liquid from Tierra’s tear ducts. After a significant pause, he chooses to keep AshLee and send home Lesley. Again, there is no eye contact.
Next week, we travel to the homes of the remaining women and it appears that Des’ brother may pick a fight with Sean. BEST HOME TOWN DATE EVER!
To read the entire recap, visit www.iHateGreenBeans.com.
“The Bachelor” airs Mondays at 8 p.m. EST on ABC.